Favorite

Ask a Mexican! 

click to enlarge mexicanlogoweb-1.jpg

Dear Mexican: A Mexican man recently broke up with me. We had great sex, but a somewhat distant relationship. Anyways, the reason he left me: his immigration status. He says he can't "be with me mentally" because he's somewhere else mentally—that's to say, not knowing where he might be living in the next days and months is really bothering him. Aside from the fact that he can't find work now because of Efile. I'm trying to find closure. It's only been a few days since he left me but I'm struggling with finding peace in myself. My friends say things like, "You're better off without him" and "Things happen for a reason." I miss him, miss the great sex (adventurous, great oral, got very close to anal) and most of all, I miss the idea of him. He's liberal politically, helps his family here and in Mexico, he's a good person, helps others and he's very organic. I forgot to mention he has beautiful long hair and is "como un tren," which means he's solid like a football player and made me melt when I touched his "guns." Please help me deal.

—La Heina No More

Dear Ya No The Chick: Man, you know Trump is destroying lives when Mexicans can't even have sex with gabachas anymore without deportation on their mind (quick thought, gents: Think of 45's blobbish physique to hold out just a bit more). It seems like the two of you had a great relationship outside of el sexo, and he's obviously concerned about the livelihood of him and his fellow undocumented friends and family, so don't take it personal. The most important thing right now is for you to be there for him, even if he's unavailable physically. Protest whenever the inevitable migra raids inflict terror on the barrios in your city. Bombard your congressman and senators demanding they oppose Trump's wall of shame. Donate to nonprofits designed to help out people like your hombre. Remember: The most important body part of his to have right now is his back. Oh, and #fucktrump

This past Thanksgiving weekend for me was a bit surreal. I'm born and raised here in the beautiful city of Nuestra Señora de Los Angeles and decided to visit my mother in Arkansas, where she recently moved with her new husband (her husband is from the state of Guerrero!). Before my boyfriend (who is white) and I arrived my mother, told me that they (her husband's family and friends) were going to kill a goat in honor of me and my boyfriend's arrival and have a huge fiesta on Saturday. I thought she was pulling my leg. Thursday, we had the traditional turkey; come Friday evening, there was a weird stench coming from the back yard of the house. My boyfriend and I noticed that my mom's husband and his friends were preparing the goat. Mind you, my boyfriend and I only eat three meats in our diet—chicken, beef, and a little bit of pork. Someone told me that this tradition happens in many places in the world and the type of animal they kill in your honor depends how important you are. So do Mexicans really do this, or am I just super special with my family?

—Turning Vegetariana Very Soon

Dear Gabacha: I have always maintained that only the world's superior cultures go crazy for goat. That means that the GOATs of the world are Jamaicans, Vietnamese, Korean, Pakistanis, and, of course, Mexicans. If your 'billy mom is now with a guy who's immersing her in the art of cabrito, consider yourself blessed. That he and his compas slaughtered a goat in your name is nothing but respect. "Weird stench"? Watch your manners—and be glad they didn't make you a taco bowl.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net. be his fan on Facebook. Follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

More by Gustavo Arellano

  • Ask a Mexican!

    I don't endorse this kind of hit-and-run behavior, but I'm telling that little anecdote so that the dumbasses who leave their cars in the middle of the street aren't too shocked when they find their '83 Buick Skylark in pieces...
    • May 25, 2017
  • Ask a Mexican!

    The easy answer is to presume that the city is muy racist, but it's also home to the largest Bosnian Serb population in the world outside of the Balkans-and most are Muslim.
    • May 18, 2017
  • Ask a Mexican!

    Dear Gabacha: There's ambition, and then there's selfishness, and you, ingrata, are the definition of the latter.
    • May 11, 2017
  • More »

Comments

Showing 1-1 of 1

Add a comment

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-1 of 1

Add a comment

Readers also liked…

  • Ask a Mexican!

    Dear Mexican: Math problem: If there are 20 Mexicans, 20 Indians, 20 Chinese, 20 Puerto Ricans, 20 Blacks, and one white person on a room, then how many people are there in the room who's identity is used as a benchmark to establish the identities of the rest of the people in the room? (Hint: not a colored person.)
    • Nov 17, 2016
  • Ask a Mexican!

    Dear Readers: This guy followed with me in a private email that whined, "I don't think you have the balls" to publish his letter. Well, guess what, Chicano Charlie? Not only do I have the huevos, I also have the facts.
    • Dec 24, 2015

Latest in Ask a Mexican!

  • Ask a Mexican!

    I don't endorse this kind of hit-and-run behavior, but I'm telling that little anecdote so that the dumbasses who leave their cars in the middle of the street aren't too shocked when they find their '83 Buick Skylark in pieces...
    • May 25, 2017
  • Ask a Mexican!

    The easy answer is to presume that the city is muy racist, but it's also home to the largest Bosnian Serb population in the world outside of the Balkans-and most are Muslim.
    • May 18, 2017
  • More »

Most Commented On

Facebook Activity

© 2017 Tucson Weekly | 7225 Mona Lisa Rd. Ste. 125, Tucson AZ 85741 | (520) 797-4384 | Powered by Foundation