¡Ask a Mexican!

Dear Mexican: Whenever I see the television show COPS, the white folks pull over and hope no one searches anything, but the police usually find at least three syringes, one crack pipe and enough pills to make the CVS Pharmacy look like a corner drug store. The black folks are being pulled over for just leaving the scene of a domestic dispute after slapping the bitch and kicking her new man in the crotch, regardless of the fact that they have been separated, divorced and issued restraining orders at least TWICE in the last two years.

But why is it that every time a cop tries to pull over a Mexican for a bad taillight or some other minor infraction, it turns into a high-speed chase, until all the tires are shot out, and the wheels fall off, and then the Mexican bails out and tries to outrun the German shepherd? Couldn't they for once just pull over and take a ticket? I mean, the police are not the Border Patrol, and the police dogs are not, like, Chihuahuas.

Gringo Out in the Suburbs

Dear Gabacho: COPS is hardly as credible of a source in documenting the Mexican criminal mente as, say, Dora the Explorer. Not only do I rarely see high-speed chases involving Mexicans on the Fox program, but stats are not kept pertaining to ethnicity and police pursuits.

What bean-counters do know, however, is that foreign-born Mexican men are less prone to visit the slammer than your local Minuteman Project chapter will have you believe. A 2006 study led by University of California at Irvine Prof. Rubén G. Rumbaut found only .7 percent of Mexican-born males in the United States were incarcerated, a figure less than half of the 1.71 percent for gabachos.

But not all is right in Aztlán: Rumbaut's findings also revealed that 5.9 percent of U.S.-born wabs are in the pokey. Why? Billions have been spent researching that question, so the Mexican won't bother with his thoughts except to add that it ain't something inherently criminal in the Mexican soul--again, look at the jail rates for Mexican immigrants. Sorry for the downer ending, but if you want jokes to accompany unfunny Mexican pathologies, go yuck at Carlos Mencia.

I'm in love with a Mexican man who's very traditional in his beliefs. He has already given me a blue rose, which I will treasure forever. What can I do to show him that I have the same feelings for him? I've researched the traditions and am finding only things that the man can do for the woman. Does the Mexican woman not have any traditions in displaying her love for the man?

His Spanish Eyes

Dear Gabacha: Of course our mujeres have traditions to show their affection for an hombre: wonderful meals, a kind heart and knowing their way around the ol' chorizo.

Why do the Mexicans hate the word "wetback" or mojado? I grew up fighting all the time, because my jefita from El Paso told me to never let any gabacho call me a wetback. But as I got into high school, I learned that you can really piss off a gaba by not affirming his racist comments. Whenever they would call me a wetback, I'd just touch my back and tell the pendejos, "Hey, my back isn't wet." They would walk away so red that they looked like a walking pimple ready to bust.

From a Fan, Ese

Dear Wab: Gracias for your inspiring tale, Ese. If all Mexicans had the same wit and gumption as you, we'd be able to retake the American Southwest with ease. As is stands, our zygotes will have to keep doing the trabajo.

Get your Mexican needs at YouTube, MySpace and by e-mail! And go see the Mexican at 2 p.m., Saturday, May 10, at Borders, 4235 N. Oracle Road!

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