Saturday, March 30 (BBC America)
Spring Premiere: The Only TV Column That Matters™ doesn't claim to know much definitively about the long-long-long-running Doctor Who, other than it's not Dr. Who (because he was a few credits short of graduating?), he usually has a cute-but-doomed sidekick (recently Karen Gillan, but ...) and Alex Kingston occasionally shows up looking absolutely mental (her best look, really). As Season 7 resumes, the Doctor (Matt Smith) picks up a new time-traveling companion (Jenna-Louise Coleman, adequately cute) in present-day London and plunges headlong into battle with ... wi-fi monsters? I knew the cloud was evil!
Game of Thrones
Sunday, March 31 (HBO)
Season Premiere: Think you're having a bad endless winter-spring? Wait till you see the opening scene of Game of Thrones' Season 3 premiere, that's all I'm sayin.' George R.R. Martin's epic fantasy continues to pile on new characters without killing off old ones at a commensurate rate, but at least a massive army of Wildings are trudging south for the slaughter, and Daenerys Targayen's cute dragons are back. If none of this makes sense to you, please begin at Season 1.
The Walking Dead
Sunday, March 31 (AMC)
Season Finale: Everybody's gonna die! OK, just a couple of characters. And maybe a showrunner.
Sunday, March 31 (PBS)
Series Debut: After eight seasons as Ari Gold on Entourage and a handful of questionable recent film choices (including a Miley Cyrus action flick—yes, that happened), it's easy to doubt that Jeremy Piven could pull off much else anymore. Which is why his damned-fantastic portrayal of early-1900s retail magnate Harry Selfridge is so satisfying: Ari's killing it! On PBS! Suck it, Turtle and Drama! American Selfridge opened Selfridge's department store in staid 1909 London, attracting women with the then-revolutionary idea of shopping for fun rather than necessity, and by creating an "experience" (admit it: you go to Target to meditate—thank Harry). Mr. Selfridge is livelier and sexier than that other British period piece, and Piven—in every sense—sells the hell out of it. Don't do the Entourage movie now, Jer, just don't.
Friday, March 29 (ABC)
New Night: So, yeah ... you should probably watch Happy Endings while you can—being banished to Fridays is rarely a sign of longevity, even if your show wasn't replaced by Celebrity Longboarding or whatever ABC airs on Tuesdays now. You'd think the network would want to keep this cult comedy around, since they've launched zero new hits this season (unless you count Neighbors, which no one should) and the replacement bench ain't deep. Upside: There will be only 50-something hilarious episodes for you to catch up on after it's gone, at which point you'll ask me, "Why didn't you tell us about Happy Endings?!" Sigh.
How to Live With Your Parents
Wednesday, April 3 (ABC)
Series Debut: The full title is How to Live With Your Parents (For the Rest of Your Life), but by the time you finish saying it this'll be cancelled. The setup: A single-mom divorcee (Sarah Chalke) falls on hard times and moves back in with her parents (Elizabeth Perkins and Brad Garrett). Funny cast; stale Old People and Young People Sure Are Different! execution; a waste of their and your time. I hear there's a comedy on Friday nights you could replace this with in a second, ABC—tweet me.
The Baytown Outlaws
When her crime-lord ex-husband (Billy Bob Thornton) shoots her and takes her godson, Celeste (Eva Longoria) hires redneck goons to get the kid back. In response, Mr. Crime Lord hires stripper ninjas and other assorted assassins. Nice. (Phase 4)
The "docudrama" miniseries touted as a History Channel "original drama" that some Christians have labeled as "inaccurate" and "not danged factual." To recap: A TV show about a fictional book featuring fabricated characters ain't real 'nuff. (Fox)
Hemingway & Gellhorn
As for actual history: Writer Ernest Hemingway (Clive Owen) and journalist Martha Gellhorn (Nicole Kidman) begin a torrid literary relationship spanning a decade. Sweet, but would you believe ... Lars Ulrich as a communist filmmaker?! (HBO)
John Dies at the End
A street drug called Soy Sauce allows users to span time and dimension—but some come back as zombified monsters. Can slackers John and David save the world? Oh, hell no. But you had me at "From the director of Bubba Ho-Tep." (Magnet)
A hired clown (Ross Noble) inadvertently murdered at a kids' birthday party returns six years later, via black magic, to exact his revenge by slaughtering said kids in typically clown-like fashion. You know, if clowns killed. Which they totally do. (Dark Sky)
More New DVD Releases (April 2)
D4, Freeloaders, Hitler's Children, Knuckleball, Luv, Mariachi Gringo, Meet the Fokkens, The Return of Johnny V, Route 66: Season 4, Skew, The Sweeney, Tombstone Territory: Season 1, White Elephant