I Want to be Your Sugar Mama, 'Hedwig'

One of the many reasons I would really love to win the lottery right now is so I can be a Sugar Mama for the local production of Hedwig and the Angry Inch. If I had $1,000 to spare, I'd gladly hand it over to the Bastard Theatre's Christopher Johnson. If I did, here's what I'd receive:

... permission to attend a closed music rehearsal with the cast and full band, an 11x17 print of an original illustration created for the 'Origin Of Love' montage and a guaranteed seat for you or a loved-one of your choice in the exclusive Car-Wash Chair (optional, depending on your own personal space issues / feelings about sweaty fishnet lap dances) during the night you attend the show. Additionally, The Bastard (Theatre) Artistic Director Christopher Johnson will cook and serve dinner to you and your chosen guests inside your home while in full drag. Whether or not you invite him to eat is up to you. He won't wear a hair net, and needs a cigarette break every forty-five minutes.

I don't know if Johnson is a good cook. I know from personal experience he's a hell of an actor, and my kid thinks he's nice. And my kid doesn't like everyone. But I'm ready to let Tucson know that I want the Car-Wash Chair option. Fishnet lap dances do not scare me. Bring them on.

My reality is I'm a broke writer, but a broke writer who is happy to see the return of Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Johnson first produced the show in 2009 when he was artistic director of Etcetera at Live Theatre Workshop. To bring the show back, Johnson founded the Bastard Theatre, with 10 performances at the Screening Room next month beginning on Feb. 14. This isn't just theater—this is a Valentine's Day love letter to Tucson. Take Johnson up on his offer, especially if you missed the last production.

Johnson is still raising funds for the show, which needs $5,000. He's raised almost $3,500 so far:

The Bastard (Theatre) is hellbent on bringing the internationally-ignored song-stylist back for Valentine's Day. Royalties have been contracted at $2,400, the venue is $1,500, paying stipends to 4 musicians and one actress is another $2,500—not to mention costs for marketing, costumes, band equipment and red glitter lipstick by the pound.

If it goes well, he's promising a return every February. Tucson could be a near-perfect city — home to professional soccer AND home to an annual production of Hedwig.

You can read more on the show's website, buy tickets and donate at www.hedwigtucson.com.