Police Dispatch

Plant-Based Disquiet

Police Dispatch
Plant-Based Disquiet

North Highland Avenue

Jan. 17, 4:40 p.m.

A vegan collegiate believed his peers were subjecting him to secret psychological torture for eschewing animal products in his diet, according to a University of Arizona Police Department report.

Responding to a "harassment" call, a UA officer met the student at the Colonia de la Paz dormitory, 602 N. Highland Ave. He said he was hearing noises that made him feel so unsafe in his room that he hadn't been sleeping well—not at all last night—because "individuals" on the floor above him had placed a "microphone device" in the room "recording things he was saying and playing it back to him ... taunting him for being vegan."

Staff at Housing and Residential Life had offered to move him to a new room, but he thought the new room to been likewise "compromised" by the same anti-vegan bullies. Besides, he insisted, the entire Res-Life office had been talking about him behind his back when he went there.

And now that he'd reported the recording activities, he was even more anxious because this unknown group of people had allegedly threatened to "smoke up his room" with marijuana while he was sleeping if he tattled.

That's not all, he went on: The bullies had also recorded a "viral video" of him that "everyone ... on campus" had seen, so the whole college now made fun of him under their breath at the Student Union.

While he was being interviewed, the officer noted, the young man "looked disheveled, his hair was oily and unwashed, he had a smell of body odor." Beyond his obvious distress, the officer worried about the fact that he "did not find it odd that no one else had experienced the sounds that he was hearing."

The subject agreed to see a mental-health professional at Campus Health Services, where he finally seemed "put at ease." He agreed to go to a residential facility for more treatment and, presumably, vegan meals served without any taint of persecution.

Biggits Dont Nead No Buk Smurts

North Highland Avenue

Jan. 14, 2:18 a.m.

Someone lacking knowledge of simple spelling and mathematic symbols botched an attempt to ridicule University of Arizona LGTBQ students, a UA Police Department report stated.

An officer met with a residence assistant at the La Paz dorm who'd just seen that one of the community boards was tampered with. The board showcased an LGTBQ event called "Diva La Paz" and featured printed materials providing "definitions for different gender identities as well as facts."

To these, someone had added a hand-written sign reading, "STRAIGT—normal people" (evidently trying communicate an equivalent relationship between a "straight" identity and "normalcy").

At the time of the report, cops had no leads on the identity of the hate-mongers but photographed the scene for evidence. The sign was removed immediately.