Police Dispatch

Mortiferous Melodrama

Foothills Beat

Jan. 6, 11:55 p.m.

As if starring in a derivative Hollywood action flick, a black-clad lone male delivered a trite one-liner before committing some seriously dangerous acts at a gas station, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

A sheriff's deputy responded to a northside Circle K whose clerk described the trouble-causing subject as a Caucasian male in a long ponytail and black hoodie. She said she'd let him use the store's phone four times, but after the fourth time, when he took it outside against her protests, she declined to give it to him yet again, pointing out it'd been a great courtesy for her to let him use it at all.

He then became belligerent, she said, storming out the door yelling, "Karma's a bitch!" before going on a rampage outside—first grabbing trash cans and bundles of firewood for sale and slamming them it into the window, trying (and failing) to break it. After she poked her head out the door and warned him, "The cops are coming," he deliberately placed a lit cigarette directly on top of a propane tank before dramatically driving away.

Luckily, the clerk was able to promptly retrieve the cigarette from the gas-station area and extinguish it before an explosion could occur. But she was obviously very upset by the situation, even tearing up while talking to the reporting deputy.

The flippant butt-flicker hadn't been apprehended at the time of the report.