Police Dispatch

Pubescent Palate, Creative Cover-Up

North Highland Avenue, May 3, 2:23 a.m.

A local man craving an interesting combination of foods was caught trying to steal candy by passing it off as some kind of strange side dish, a University of Arizona Police Department report stated.

A UA officer met with the manager of Highland Market, 525 N. Highland Ave., who said someone had come in, ordered some chicken nuggets, paid for them, and then walked out with them, as well as a bag of pistachios and a bag of Sour Patch Kids candy on prominent display for sale—which he didn't pay for.

Luckily, the store's security guard had seen the pistachio-and-candy theft and stopped the shoplifter outside the store, making him return to pay for the items (he did have enough money to do so, as it turned out) and then sat him down to wait for the cops.

Upon interview with the reporting UA officer, the subject said he hadn't paid for the candy because "he thought he could substitute the Sour Patch Kids for chips that (are) usually included with the chicken nuggets" and he "'just forgot' that he also grabbed the pistachios."

Since it was the manager's policy not to prosecute for the first offense, the lying larcenist was let go with a warning that he'd be arrested for any future fast ones.