Police Dispatch

Found at the Pond, Sent Up the River

North Park Avenue

Nov. 1, 7:55 a.m.

A man—looking not unlike a sleeping turtle himself—was found curled up on the grass near the University of Arizona's "Turtle Pond" with some odd possessions strewn around him, according to a UA Police department report.

UA officers arrived at the scene, formally known as the President's Pond, between 7 and 8 a.m. to find the man "passed out" with his head tucked inside a hooded sweatshirt and the rest of his body clad in military-grade camouflage (which failed to completely conceal him amongst the grass and transplanted wetland flora). Numerous objects—presumably his possessions—were scattered around him.

Roused from his slumber, the subject stood, timidly emerged from his hoodie and handed the cops his ID, which showed him to be a non-student with four warrants out for his arrest from the Tucson Police Department.

Officers found in his pocket a small vial containing white powder, which field-tested positive for methamphetamine.

Gathering more items strewn around the man's grassy napping spot, officers found ordinary personal belongings like underwear, socks and toothpaste—and some not-so-ordinary items, including a "black flower pouch" (some sort of black purse decorated in a floral motif) holding myriad unnamed "keepsakes," as well as a plastic flower and plastic elephant (not described in detail).

The subject was jailed for his quadruple warrants. On a positive note, he was only additionally charged for drug-paraphernalia possession (rather than drug possession) since his vial contained so little meth. He also got a real bed, indoors, in which to curl up again.