Police Dispatch

The Absent-Minded Shoplifter

West Valencia Road, Feb. 1, 10:30 a.m.

A scatterbrained criminal ended up destroying his own property instead of making off with someone else's, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

A Circle K store clerk stated that at 9:59 a.m., a dark-haired, 200-pound male entered his store and was acting very strangely. The man then took two 30-packs of beer and exited the store without paying. Once he got outside, the clerk said, the man realized he had locked his keys in his gold Chevy Malibu.

The subject put the beer down and re-entered the store to casually ask if the clerk had anything that might help him open his vehicle. Since the clerk had just seen the man stealing, he did not answer. The subject became very angry, walked outside and tried to smash the driver's-side window with one of the 30-packs. Instead of breaking the glass, he broke open the 30-pack, spilling cans all over the parking lot. Leaving the other 30-pack where it was, he broke the window with a rock, entered his vehicle and drove away. The store clerk was unable to get the subject's license-plate number but did retrieve the unbroken 30-pack.

As the clerk was cleaning up the beer in the parking lot, a young woman exiting the store--who evidently had not been allowed to buy beer there--swiped four to six intact beers from the ground.

Stomach Acid--Yum!

North Calle Rinconado, Corona De Tucson, Jan. 27, 5:25 p.m.

An apparently inebriated man found soaking in his own vomit refused to admit he had consumed a drop of alcohol, a PCSD report said.

A deputy was told that a white Ford pickup had been speeding--at about 90 mph--and weaving on the roadway. The vehicle then reportedly stopped, and an obviously intoxicated Hispanic male exited and urinated in the street.

The deputy located the pickup, which was still running, but was parked in the center of the road. When he tried to get the attention of the man inside, who was slumped down in the driver's seat, the man looked up at him just long enough to show his extremely bloodshot eyes. Another deputy described the front seat as being "messy with food that appeared to be vomit." The subject had vomit all over his face, hat and shirt, and was "licking his fingers and wiping stuff off his face" when the deputy approached.

The subject took three to four minutes to pull up his pants, which were still around his ankles. He had such difficulty standing and following simple instructions that it was deemed unsafe to administer field-sobriety tests.

After being checked out by fire-department personnel, the man was transported to jail. He insisted he'd had no alcohol that day.