Police Dispatch

No Great Shakes

East Valencia Road, March 27, 2:10 p.m.

Small children on a bus were surprised by a hostile, genital-exposing transient after school, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

A statement by a parent of two of the children involved--an 8-year-old and a 6-year-old--alleged that the bus had been stopped at an intersection off Interstate 10 when passengers viewed a homeless, middle-aged white male standing on the side of the road with a three-legged dog. Children on the bus witnessed the man drop his pants, expose himself and begin shaking his genitalia rapidly with his hand. The bus driver opened the door and told the man to "knock it off," at which point the transient began yelling obscenities and threw a rock at the bus.

An employee at a nearby convenience store stated that she had seen at least two homeless-looking men standing on the side of the road and yelling at passing trucks, but she was unable to describe the men or identify what they were yelling about.

No damage was caused to the bus, and no children were physically harmed. The transient was not located by law enforcement.

The Cactuses Were Unarmed

Orange Grove Road and La Cholla Boulevard, March 30, 6:56 a.m.

An unknown party engaged in a violent and possibly fatal attack on several young saguaros, said a PCSD report.

The incident was reported by a man walking his dog in the desert, who found that at least four young saguaro cactuses had been pushed over, uprooted and seriously gouged and slashed. Several cactuses appeared to have been stabbed brutally with a stick, and one looked to have been shot either with several small-caliber handgun rounds or possibly a shotgun. The wounds appeared fresh and wet.

One deep footprint appeared near the scene, but no other clues as to the crime's perpetrator(s) were found. The reportee stated that he and a friend would attempt to upright the saguaros so that they might have a chance at survival.

Construction Work Stinks

West Continental Road, March 24, 7:54 a.m.

An unfortunate construction worker's vehicle was used as a bathroom, said a PCSD report.

The supervisor at a construction site at West Continental Road near Duval Mine Road said that the driver's seat of one of his Caterpillar backhoes had been defecated on. The person who cleaned up the mess ("with gloves," noted the police report) claimed that the seat also smelled strongly of urine.

Security guards responsible for the area appeared to have missed the incident; no suspects have been identified.