Freshman Disorientation

Your utterly irresponsible UA campus survival guide, compliments of the 'Weekly' interns

You've been through orientation. You've wandered around campus. You've seen Animal House. But there are still a few things you need to know to get through your college years in one piece.

We put our interns to work this summer compiling the tips and tricks that will really make your life easier. Avoid 'em at your own risk!

How to Go the Entire Semester Without Buying Books

Most of you poor college students desperately need to hold on to the little disposable income you have for keg night. Your need for books pales in comparison to your need for beer. (Assuming you're older than 21, of course!) It is possible to avoid buying those overpriced--and overrated--tomes, especially for gen-ed classes. Why slap down $250 for a shrink-wrapped package of coloring books that you'll probably crack only once, anyway? The seven easy steps:

  1. Look for courses that don't require lots of books. There are gen-eds that revolve around discussing films you've watched, and the journalism department is chock-full of classes where all you need is a pad of paper and a willingness to talk to people.
  2. The library carries textbooks, so check there.
  3. If all else fails, show a little leg and make friends in the classes where books are expensive.
  4. Get the book lender's phone number. Call him or her a few times to hang out. Bring lunch; buy him or her a beer or whatev--just make sure you leave a lasting impression of your generous nature.
  5. Call the week before the test or homework assignment, saying that somehow you misplaced your copy of the textbook and ask if it would be OK if you borrowed his or her copy.
  6. Make photocopies of important pages, or study as a pair!
  7. Return the book in a timely fashion--you never know if the book lender will be in your next TRAD. Capitalize on that shit!

How to Get on Your Professor's Good Side Without Resorting to Seduction

No one likes a suck-up, yet it's often advantageous if your professor likes you. The key to getting on a first-name basis: Make some sort of connection, and pretend you enjoy the class. On Day 1, fire off an e-mail to your professor saying the class looks pretty interesting and you look forward to it. After breaking the ice, approach the prof afterwards and point out something you have in common. (Lie if you have to; who knew you both collected grillz?) During class, laugh at the prof's jokes and look interested. Invest five minutes in stopping by during office hours at least once. When the year winds down, and you need to bump that F up to a D, your professor will remember you and feel generous.

How to Get an Incomplete When You're Skidding Toward Failure

If there are only a few weeks left in the semester, and you've only done two assignments and missed half your classes, you can count on failing. Your best bet: Play on your professor's sympathies with a one-two punch that involves (a) a family member with cancer and (b) the total loss of your financial aid, which will result in your life being irrevocably ruined.

Dorm-Room Recipes

Keep in mind that if you eat most of these foods for every single meal, there is a chance you might gain the dreaded Freshman 15. So, uh, get off your ass or something.
  1. Ramen = your BFF. Crack an egg into the bowl while the water's boiling, and throw in a few spinach leaves for roughage.
  2. Mac 'n' cheese. Just guess at the right amount of key ingredients (milk and butter). Stir in a little parmesan for some tang.
  3. Bagel Bites. Pizza on bagels.
  4. Peanut butter and banana sandwiches. If it's good enough for Elvis, it's good enough for you, bitch.
  5. M&M's. That's a lot of chocolate packed into a colorful candy shell.
  6. Cereal. God, you're lazy.
  7. Keep Papa John's on speed dial. They take CatCards!

How to Avoid the Freshman 15

  1. No eating after sunset.
  2. No beer.
  3. Dance Dance Revolution. 'Nuff said.

Where to Take a Nap

Who knew sitting through class was so tiring? When you need to get a little extra shut-eye, the best place to sack out is the TV lounge in the basement of the Student Union, where you'll find several comfy couches in air-conditioned splendor.

How to Dump Your High School Boyfriend/Girlfriend

Traumatized that your significant other went off to Georgetown to meet wealthy, buxom coeds? All you have in common with your high school sweetheart is the past; college is about the here and now, so end it as fast as you can.

UA sophomore Brogan Saunders ended a relationship with her high school boyfriend, who attends school in Boston. Saunders said it was difficult to stay committed in a long-distance relationship. "It was really hard, but we both wanted to enjoy our own experience in college," Saunders said. "We are still friends."

Thanksgiving break is the perfect time for cutting the cord, because everyone's nice and mellow from the tryptophan. We call it the Turkey Dump.

How to Avoid Getting Your Bike Stolen

It turns out conservative Christians are right about one thing: Abstinence is the only answer, especially when the campus is crawling with meth-heads sporting bolt cutters. Sgt. Eugene V. Mejia of the UA Police Department says 245 bikes were reported stolen in 2006. So you should probably leave your expensive Cannondale with your 'rents in Scottsdale and buy some cheap 10-speed down at Value Village. If you must tool around campus on your hot-pink beach cruiser, purchase a U-lock, which you can get for the bargain price of $13 from UAPD. You can also register your bike with Parking and Transportation Services to get a serial number that can help track it if stolen. As if.

How to Get Into Crowded Classes

Can't get into that crowded lecture that you need in order to take upper-level classes? Follow these steps:

  1. On the first day of the maxed-out class, head over to the Administration building and pick up a drop/add form. Attend the class, even if you're not enrolled in it.
  2. Wait for the professor to mention there is a waiting list, and get added to it.
  3. By the end of the week, students will drop, and spots will open up, because most students stock up on classes before they realize they don't need them.
  4. If no one is dropping, offer to pay a student to drop and make room for you.

Where to Get Cheap Drinks

Cactus Moon (5470 E. Broadway Blvd.): Drinks are 25 cents for the ladies until 10 p.m. on Wednesday nights.

Dirtbag's (1800 E. Speedway Blvd.): Well drinks are $2 for guys and girls on Tuesday.

North on Fourth (536 N. Fourth Ave.): Specials all around on Monday nights.

Jett's Wildcat (501 N. Park Ave.): Great deals on 30-packs of cheap beer--a college kid's best friend!

Club Congress (311 E. Congress St.): Dollar well drinks on Mondays and Thursdays.

How to Avoid Boring Chit-Chat When Looking for a Hookup

Do you really want to make awkward small talk with that hot tamale you want to get into bed? You'll save time for both of you if you just build your relationship through text messaging. Added bonus: You can pursue four or five targets in the time it used to take you to chase one!

How to Handle Brother Jed

Tell the most fervent of campus missionaries that you're going commando under that demure dress he likes so much.

"He said something to the effect that I know how to dress like a lady," said UA student Viola Sanderlin, who once crossed paths with Brother Jed while wearing a long skirt. "Then I told him I probably have more notches on my belt than he does on his."

Hey, ladies: Lay a passionate kiss on one of your female friends for bonus points!

How to Eat on $7 a Day

First, skip breakfast. Nutritionists say it's important for learning, but by limiting your calories, you'll be able to avoid the Freshman 15.

Next, search for daily specials at fast-food outlets near campus. We look forward to Teriyaki Tuesdays at Yokohama Rice Bowl and the daily deals at Subway.

That should leave you roughly $4 at the end of the day, which can cover the cost of two packages of Top Ramen, with enough left over for a well drink at Dirtbag's on Tuesday.

How to Get Pulled Over When Driving at Night

Enroll in the UA's vehicle anti-theft program. Part of the statewide Watch Your Car program, it's free, and you give the cops the right to stop you if you're out driving in the wee hours, when most cars are stolen. You get free decals indicating you're part of the program, too!

"When you have these decals on your car, you're asking an officer to pull you over and verify that you are the owner of the vehicle," said UAPD Officer Frank Romero.

If you really can't resist signing up for the program, call the UAPD at 621-UAPD for more details.

.com-off facebook
Get hit on by 55-year-old men Get "poked" by the football team
Join groups like "Society for the Impalement of Babies onto Spikes," "Brunettes, Bongs and Bondage" and "Nosebleeds Are Sexy" Join groups like "Helen Keller is Alive and Driving in Tucson," "I Had Sex With Ben the R.A." and "Yea, I Went to Public School, Now Sell Me Drugs!"
Receive friend requests from big-breasted Russians who want you to watch their webcam shows Receive friend requests from nerds in your Russian Lit class who want you to watch their video podcasts
Post incriminating photos of yourself to share your naughty secrets with the world Have friends tag you in incriminating photos meant to share your naughty secrets with the world
Get all pissy when you’re removed from someone’s Top Friends list Get all pissy when the news feed tells you your ex is in a new relationship
Stalk people and take passive-aggressive behavior to new heights Stalk people and take passive-aggressive behavior to new heights

Late-Night Eats

  • Broadway Café, 4430 E. Broadway Blvd. Open 24 hours.
  • Brooklyn Pizza Company, 534 N. Fourth Ave. Late-night slices available Friday and Saturday until 2:30 a.m.
  • Grill, 100 E. Congress St. Open 24 hours.
  • In-N-Out Burger, 3711 E. Broadway Blvd. Open Sunday through Thursday until 1 a.m.; open Friday and Saturday until 1:30 a.m.
  • Los Betos, 32 N. Campbell Ave. Open 24 hours.
  • Nico's, 1855 E. Fort Lowell Road. Open 24 hours.
  • Silver Mine Subs, 760 N. Tyndall Ave. Open until 3 a.m. every day.
  • Something Sweet Dessert Lounge, 5319 E. Speedway Blvd. Open Sunday through Thursday until midnight; open Friday and Saturday until 2 a.m.
  • The Taco Shop Co., 1350 E. Broadway Blvd. Open 24 hours.
  • Viva Burrito, 2645 E. Speedway Blvd. Open 24 hours.

Where to Find Good Music

The dorks that handle dorm-room IP addresses are tracking your every move, which you might want to keep in mind when you're visiting It also puts a damper on downloading music illegally, because it can get you Web-banned, which means no Facebook. (Oh, the humanity!) Like it or not, buying songs on iTunes and at local music stores will save you from this devastating situation.

You could also support live music, too, although most of you aren't that cool. Go see a concert within walking distance at Solar Culture (31 E. Toole Ave.), Club Congress (311 E. Congress St.), Plush (340 E. Sixth St.) or the Rialto Theatre (318 E. Congress St.).

Surefire Ways to Signal You're a Stereotypical UA Student

  1. Flip-flops
  2. Gucci sunglasses
  3. Frat/Sorority T-shirts
  4. Using outdoor voices while talking on a cell phone inside
  5. Wearing jammies in public
  6. Lack of knowledge about currents events and geography

How to Go the Entire Semester Without Doing Your Laundry

Too lazy to wash your clothes, but worried about smelling like a month-old pot of beef stew that's congealed in a house with no AC? Go for a few squirts of Febreze to replace that meaty B.O. with the fresh scent of meadows and rain. The Wildcat Wash Well, 902 E. Speedway Blvd., will also do your laundry for you, fluff and fold included--for a nominal fee, of course. Call them at 624-1358.

How to: Fail a Class Without Even Trying

Cheat conspicuously. You can also forget to have your instructor sign a drop/add form after the midsemester deadline. Many a happy-go-lucky student has received a rude awakening when grades come back at end of the semester. Here's to success!

How to Prepare for Spring Break in Rocky Point

  1. Lose a few pounds.
  2. Buy a new swimsuit and sunscreen.
  3. Visit the Campus Health Service Pharmacy to purchase 250 condoms for just $25.

How to Dress Like a Slut

You've entered that period in your life when you no longer have to abide by high school dress codes, and you don't need to dress to impress for a job yet. Translation: Anything goes! True sluts wear Gucci sunglasses, shirts that expose the midriff and cleavage, and a pair of "coochie cutters" (aka Daisy Dukes).

Where to Satisfy Your Sense of Schadenfreude

Enjoy laughing at the misfortunes of others? We recommend the campus paper's Police Beat and the Weekly's own Police Dispatch, which hilariously chronicle what happens when you mix dumb college students, leafy green substances and the law. You might also read about someone who's just passing through the UA campus to indulge a hobby, like FBI agent Ryan Seese, who was arrested on charges of masturbating in a women's restroom.

How to Score a One-Night Stand

The bars on Fourth Avenue and downtown are crawling with likeminded students who are on the prowl for an evening of not-so-clean fun.

If you go back to your new friend's place, you have the advantage of being able to leave whenever you want to avoid the awkward morning after, as well as avoiding those damning condom wrappers that you don't want your parents/roommates/current SOs to see.

How to Avoid a One-Night Stand

No one likes running into a one-night stand after the love (or, more accurately, lust) has died, and though the campus is big, it's easier to encounter someone you've boinked than you might imagine. Change your hair color frequently; wear dark glasses; take different routes to class. Work on a fake accent if the person approaches you and wants to rekindle that short-lived flame. If all else fails, fake amnesia.

Drugs and alcohol: Great by themselves, but mix the wrong ones together, and you've just bought yourself a one-way ticket to Blackout City! Unless you want to end up getting deadhorsed by a sicko who spikes your Kamikaze with GHB, Rohypnol or ketamine, never allow your drink out of your sight. A second, more socially awkward option: Bring along a geeky friend to taste everything for you.

How to Avoid Getting Roofied!

Drugs and alcohol: Great by themselves, but mix the wrong ones together, and you've just bought yourself a one-way ticket to Blackout City! Unless you want to end up getting deadhorsed by a sicko who spikes your Kamikaze with GHB, Rohypnol or ketamine, never allow your drink out of your sight. A second, more socially awkward option: Bring along a geeky friend to taste everything for you.

Essential UA Acronym Guide

  • RA: Resident Assistant/Resident Asshole
  • MIP: Minor in Possession
  • DUI: Driving Under the Influence
  • BUG: Bi Until Graduation
  • GGG: Good, Giving and Game
  • TA: Teacher Assistant/Tight Ass
  • PILF: Professor I'd Like to Fuck

The Sex Scorecard

Take the Tucson Weekly challenge! (Partner required.)

1 Point: Your roommate's bed.

2 Points: Parking garage, upper deck.

3 Points: Couches in the UA Bookstore.

4 Points: Set of Arizona Illustrated.

5 Points: Bouncy bridges at the Aerospace and Mechanical Engineering building.

6 Points: Glass study rooms at the library.

7 Points: Inside the UA's nuclear-reactor building.

8 Points: Student Union DDR machine.

9 Points: President Shelton's desk.

10 Points: First 10 rows of McKale Center during a men's basketball game.