Guest Commentary

Thanks for taking a bullet for Bush, red states!

As you read this, President Bush is heading toward his inauguration, or has already been sworn in as Commander in Chief. Don't get too excited, though; there are other reasons to be grateful. Here's to a few of the things that Billionaires loved about 2004!

First off, Billionaires are grateful that gay marriage is an issue. Many people in America, Arizona and even our beloved Tucson are thrilled that 11 states voted to ban gay marriage. Billionaires are thankful for the way that media conglomerates such as Clear Channel and Fox discuss family values in order to make a buck and get our deregulating political cronies elected to national office. We don't even mind when they openly oppose family planning, child care, AHCCCS and other costly measures that help working families. Cutting these programs means more tax cuts for Billionaires who worked so hard this election season to make even more cuts possible. With gay marriage in the forefront, there is thankfully no public outcry about local taxes and fee increases or reductions in city services.

Billionaires are happy that Bush will have the chance to fix the mess he started in Iraq. The police investigate police misconduct, and corporations clean up their own pollution, why shouldn't Bush have to clean up his own mess? Billionaires like the idea of voluntarily cleaning up, especially when we make millions volunteering to do it. Volunteerism is the one thing we value most, and that is why we make sure our maids, butlers, cooks and employees get their kids to volunteer for duty in Iraq. The economy would collapse if Billionaires sent their kids. After all, who would buy a Rolls Royce, a yacht, platinum golf clubs or go to Harvard or Yale if Billionaires' kids had to go to war? Let the unemployed fight; isn't that why they were created? Billionaires send their staff to clean up our mansions, and Bush has his poor kids to clean up Iraq. We weren't born to get our hands dirty; Billionaires were born to get others to do it for us. Thankfully, Bush was well-bred and understands this.

Let's not forget to give thanks for Proposition 200. While gay marriage was the champion Republican vote-getter in much of the country, immigrant-bashing surely helped the Billionaires' candidates win in Arizona. Just keep thinking that it is the immigrants who are robbing you blind. Don't look at the Billionaire of Oz, who's really pulling the stings. While people in the United States were worrying about poor immigrants cleaning their yards and cooking their meals, Bush cut veterans' benefits, stopped a raise in the minimum wage and cut taxes for millionaires while cutting funds to state programs, including his own "No Child Left Behind" law. Thanks to the trickle-up economics, Billionaires are no longer endangered; there are 313 billionaires in the country, up from the 262 in 2003. Thanks to the focus on immigrants, these facts have been ignored. Also underreported is the fact that more people have entered poverty in the United States every year since Bush was elected. Don't worry; with poverty going up, we have a larger pool of soldiers and low-wage workers. High rates of poverty just make the United States a more attractive trading partner for the first-world nations of Germany and Japan. We Billionaires can be thankful for that.

While giving thanks, let's not forget the Democrats. Billionaires are thankful that a fellow Billionaire, John Kerry, was chosen as their standard bearer in 2004. Even the Democrats understand that Billionaires rule! We like that Kerry was willing to concede the election without waiting for a complete vote count. Waiting 24 hours would have hurt the country. I am also glad that Kerry was polite enough not to use the word "liar" when talking about Bush. That unpredictable Howard Dean might have done just that. Thanks, Democratic Leadership Council, for getting Kerry the nomination and moving right, with us!

Thanks for not paying attention, America. Thanks for not caring about jobs, education and people dying in Iraq. Keep it up! Unless you're a Billionaire who receives everything you ask for from Bush, thanks for taking a bullet and voting to hurt yourself and America's families for our benefit. We thank you for it.