An open letter to the president, with some advice for the next four years

Dear Mr. President:

For years, my Republican friends have told me that because of my ascetic lifestyle (no alcohol, tobacco, drug or even medicine) and my strict adherence to the anachronistic concepts of family, monogamy and religion, I should shed my silly liberal politics and come over to the Right side, where you (and, apparently, a majority of Americans) are.

(You should know that I don't mean "right" as in conservative, 'cause Lord knows that anybody who destroys a balanced budget like you do and doesn't give a shit about the environment isn't really conservative. Instead, I mean "Right," as in when you can say just about any crackpot thing, and a majority of Americans will nod in a sheep-like manner and say, "Y'know, he's Right.")

Well, I'm tired of being Wrong.

My life's half over by now, and I don't want to continue wandering down the road with the rest of the losers who believe in stuff like civil rights, individuals being more important than corporations, taking care of the environment, balancing budgets and actually having a reason to go to war.

We don't need a reason. Or Reason, for that matter. We're the United Damn States of America, and we'll squoosh you like a bug if you look sideways at us. And after we do, a majority of us will be convinced that it had something to do with fighting terrorism.

And another thing I'm tired of is people calling you dumb. You're obviously a very astute student of history. I'm sure you saw how your daddy lamented the fact that the First Gulf War wrapped up so quickly, leaving him 18 months to screw up in office and get booted out.

You, on the other hand, were smart enough to realize that if we just focused on Afghanistan and Osama bin Laden, that fight would have been over too early in the election cycle, so you wisely got us into a quagmire in Iraq, using too-few troops in the process, to guarantee that we'd be stuck in a war come election time. That's not only wise; that's presidential.

I was mad at you in 2001. You had lost the popular vote and had used Antonin Scalia and his personal bitch, Clarence Thomas, to steal the electoral votes in Florida. You even thumbed your nose at the Constitution by having a running mate who lived in the same state as you. (Cheney hasn't lived in Wyoming for decades.) I thought you would be modest and conciliatory, but you ran wild with Cheney's agenda even before you had that ultimate stroke of good luck when those planes crashed into the buildings.

This time, you actually won the popular vote, so you'd better look at that 51-49 margin as a freakin' MANDATE and get to work. You've only got four years to re-make this country in your image.

First off are tax breaks. You know how you gave tax cuts to the rich? I've got a better idea: Eliminate taxes altogether for the wealthy. That'll make everybody REALLY want to be rich. Just say that if you make more than a certain amount of money, you don't have to pay any taxes. But if you make $1 under the limit, you pay through the nose. That'll spur some entrepreneurial spirit and create a vibrant, cutthroat economic environment. And all the people with old money, like you and your buddies, won't ever have to worry about paying taxes.

Then, you have to tell us who we're going to invade next. Personally, I've always found Belize to be a little too cocky for its own good. What was wrong with "British Honduras?" Speaking of names, what's the deal with Burkina Faso? You tell those African twerps that either they change their name to something Americans can pronounce, or they're 12th on our list. All you have to do is tell the American people that the official language of Burkina Faso is French (ewww!) and that in French it means "We're harboring terrorists."

One of the funniest things in the campaign is that you and Kerry had basically the exact same stance on the question of gay marriage (Kerry repeatedly said he was against it), but somehow, the Right people saw him as being in favor of it and you as the defender of the faith. You really need to take the initiative here. Spend some of that mandate you've built up and solve the problem once and for all. Instead of banning gay marriage, why not just ban gays?

Round 'em all up and put 'em in Wyoming someplace. Since they don't reproduce, they'll be like the Shakers and just die out eventually. And since there won't be any more of them running Hollywood and corrupting our young people, they won't be able to recruit any new people to their club. You could put Dick Cheney's daughter in charge of them. That way, at least one member of the Cheney family will actually live in Wyoming.

Heck, this could be so much fun, you could probably get a reality TV series out of it. Reality being what it is these days.