I've Got a Little List

(with apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan)

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list--I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed--who never would be missed!
The brothers Bee, whose buzzing gives all Pima County hives,
While TPD busts minors, but a drunken cop survives;
And snowbirds fleeing urban blight in search of desert bliss
Who advocate more freeways in our fine metropolis;
And monolith Clear Channel, whose big billboards get us pissed;
They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!

There's UA's Campus Magazine, where white butts, beer and tits
Are the dominant aesthetic in a paper for nitwits;
And specious Mary Darling, who can fly a habitat
Of cactus in a chopper off to safety, just like that!
Trust-funder Rodney Glassman wants to serve the common folk
By flirting with Don Diamond--please, just give this guy a poke.
And people driving Hummers to the grocery store and back--
Get 'em off our city streets; let 'em go invade Iraq.
And Independents voting on the Dems' primary list--
I don't think they'd be missed! I'm sure they'd not be missed!

There's opportunist Kolbe voting party, not his heart;
Which way his wind is blowing's just a pachydermous fart.
Stephen Phinny kissing phanny for his eco-rapist schemes
Like Tucsonans sucking filling out of deep-fried Krispy Kremes,
And the putrid beige excrescencies of mighty KB Home
Cause our churning bowels to burble and our gaping mouths to foam.
The Dead Wildlife Museum, the safari hunters' Bundt:
Go stuff your beastly trophies, 'cause we'd rather get a Gundt.
And cell-phone-addled drivers--don't you get it? Here's the gist:
I don't think you'd be missed--there's none of you'd be missed!

Developers, car salesmen and assorted other turds
Who rail against "mass transit" 'cause out West them's fightin' words;
And the TMA director, she's so vicious and aloof
That she fired her best curator, but her donors hit the Rufe;
There's Jeff Scurran at Pima with his football team apart,
So apart, in fact, he's based it at the neighborhood Wal-Mart;
And the Citizen of Tucson--circulation's sunk so far
That it's kept alive now only by the profits of the Star;
And bonehead letter writers with their knickers in a twist--
I've got them on my list! They're surely on my list!

The dogs are off and running at the Tucson Greyhound Park;
Please, let them catch the rabbit, and then let the place go dark.
UA Parking/Transportation's brand-new Sixth Street car garage
Makes neighborhood integrity another sad mirage.
Verizon's SuperPages are a super waste of ink;
The items in their listings are more bogus than you think.
Downtown boosters whine and wail that they're losing their Walgreens,
But the drugstore's boiling over Tucson like a pot of beans.
They'd none of 'em be missed--no, they'd none of 'em be missed!