EVILNET: When you're done with your long day's Web surfing, having checked out all the light-bulb jokes, lame fiction and celebrity nudes that Salon, The Onion and PCWeekOnLine have to offer, you might find yourself wondering, "Why was the media so convinced that the Internet was going to be a source of evil, rather than a source for the worst of Letterman's Top Ten Lists?"

Well, evil does lurk on the Internet, you just have to dig past the banner ads for free-trial subscriptions to Granta and ManLove to find it.

What is evil? Obviously, drugs are about the most evil thing in our society, based on the amount of money the government spends to suppress them. While there are lots of pro-drug sites, like www.norml.com (webquarters of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws), what we really need for evil is people selling drugs, preferably to children, over the Web.

For that, head to marijuana-buds.u4l.com/, where you can actually order sativa, indica and other fine strains of god's gift to hippies, to be delivered to your door, COD. Wow, that is Pure Evil!

If you just want to grow your own, try one of the many seed dealers on the Web, rated for reliability at www.yahooka.com/pages/Goods_and_Services/Seeds. That site also posts reviews of hash bars around the world, including several found within the nearby boundaries of our giant, furry, teddy-bear-like neighbor to the north, Canada.

Okay, you're no doubt thinking, "So you can buy pot on the Web. Big deal. Where are the online heroin dealers?"

Well, I'm searching--and as soon as I find them, I'll let you, the concerned consumer, know where to look.

-- James DiGiovanna