Oh, 2014: The year the Democrats got smacked. Sony got hacked. Pima County Supervisor Ally Miller cracked.
A saguaro went on the attack. And, if you're anything like us, you didn't end up with jack.
While other, more reputable publications will recap the big stories of 2014, we're once again remembering the little ones: The ladies who went into healthcare biz by injecting a "non-approved FDA substance" into the butts of girls who wanted more junk in their trunk. The federal government's decision to spend $680,000 per home on housing for Border Patrol agents in Ajo. Actor Steven Seagal's brief flirtation with a gubernatorial run in Arizona. (Looking back on how that race went, we wish he had done it.) Congressional candidate Adam Kwasman's Comedy Central moment, when he mistook a bus of laughing YMCA campers for undocumented Central Americans.
In short: It's all of the buffoonery we witnessed, read about or saw on the TV news.
And so, in memory of Esquire magazine's late and lamented Dubious Achievement awards,
we give you the Weekly's year in review.
WE'VE HEARD SOME OF THESE COUNTY PEOPLE DON'T EVEN FLOSS
The Pima County Board of Supervisors put off a vote to no longer hire smokers and to penalize workers already in their employ who smoke or use tobacco products. Prospective employees would be tested for nicotine, and those who test positive would have to be tobacco-free for a year before reapplying. County Administrator Chuck Huckelberry predicted the move could eventually save the county more than $1 million a year on health care costs.
THE TEE HAS MYSTERIOUSLY VANISHED
A woman sued Playboy for half a million bucks claiming severe injuries when comedian Kevin Klein hit a golf ball off a tee jammed into her butt. At a golf tournament in L.A., the babe in question, Liz Dickson, posed for a photo by lying on her stomach and letting Klein take a full swing on the teed-up ball.
WE PROVIDE JUICE BOXES AND JUMPING CASTLES, THEY BRING THEIR OWN 9 MILLIMETERS
A report by Townhall claims at least 16 of the unaccompanied undocumented minors held at the Nogales placement center this summer were members of the brutal MS-13 street gang. Citing an internal Border Patrol executive summary, the news site said the gang members left graffiti on the walls of the center's restroom.
BUT NOT AS SAD AS ADAM AFTER HE FINISHED LAST IN THE GOP PRIMARY
A Republican candidate for Congress in Arizona's District 1 saw a busload of children heading to a YMCA camp and mistook them for migrant children on their way to a holding shelter nearby. Tea Party fav Adam Kwasman attended a protest in Oracle at which he snapped photos of the bus and tweeted: "Bus is coming in. This is not compassion. This is the abrogation of the rule of law."
Told by reporter Brahm Resnik that they were campers and not undocumented children, Kwasman said, "They were sad too. I apologize. I didn't know."
HERE'S LOOKING UP YOUR ADDRESS
Police in Sanford, Florida, arrested a man walking around a Walmart with an iPod inserted into a hole in his shoe to videotape up women's skirts. Customer Lillie Kent was in the toilet paper aisle when a suspicious man "appeared to be attempting to sneak up behind her." The alleged perv was a 40-year-old software engineer.
OREGON 51, ARIZONA 13: NOW THAT WAS A CRYING GAME
UA football coach Rich Rodriguez said: "My family teases me that I never go to a movie. Well, about 15 years ago I went to see "The Crying Game" and it was the biggest waste of three hours in my life. I didn't go back to the movies for 10 years in protest."
GREAT IDEA! THEY'LL EAT THE TOURISTS WHO PAY THE BILLS!
The Tucson-based environmental group Center for Biological Diversity petitioned the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to return grizzly bears to the Grand Canyon and other areas of Arizona and the Southwest. The plan would allow for the introduction of up to 4,000 grizzlies.
THE DUCEY DOUBLE STEP
In an interview after he won Arizona's governorship, Republican Doug Ducey acknowledged it will be difficult to keep his promise to balance the state's budget without tax hikes or borrowing. The former Cold Stone Creamery honcho ruled out rescinding tax cuts, but said he might have to raid some state funds, use creative accounting maneuvers and, yes, borrow some money to bring the budget into balance.
HE DELIVERED VERY EFFECTIVE NOOGIES, TOO
Brad Lee Davis, 33, of Oklahoma was accused of murdering his stepfather by giving him an atomic wedgie. During a drunken fight, Davis allegedly got hold of the elastic waistband of 58-year-old Denver St. Clair's underwear and pulled it over his head and around his neck, asphyxiating him.
HAS ANYONE SEEN THE MUSTACHE?
An analysis by the Arizona Republic and a government transparency group showed that Democratic Rep. Raul Grijalva missed 13 percent of votes in the House of Representatives in 2013. The paper said the Congressman "missed more votes than at any time in his career, earning him the 13th-worst voting record in the House and placing him behind all but one member of the U.S. Senate."
SHE PROCEEDED TO ASK IF HE'D TAKE HER ORDER FOR CHINESE TAKEOUT
Pima County Supervisor Ally Miller called 911 to complain about a Tucson Weekly story and asked the dispatcher if he could do something about taking the story off the Web.
"I'm just a dispatcher, ma'am," the befuddled operator said. "I can't do anything."
WE WERE DIETING ANYWAY
City inspectors found nearly 100 violations at the Tucson Convention Center, one third of them the responsibility of concession and catering contractor, Aramark. The lapses included rodent droppings and dead cockroaches near a soda fountain and dead mice in a concession area. The company passed two earlier Pima County Health Department inspections and a spokesman said, "The issues raised in the audit were addressed and receive our continued attention."
HEY, MOM, TWO JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES ARE AT THE DOOR!!!
TUSD Superintendent H.T. Sanchez and Mayor Jonathan Rothschild walked door-to-door to the homes of school dropouts to encourage them to continue their educations. The effort is part of a program called Steps to Success. The mayor said, "It is my hope that reaching out to students will let them know that education is important and that they are important—to us and this community."
A WEE BIT WITHDRAWN
The CEO of a group that advocates for those with shy bladders criticized a DirecTV ad in which actor Rob Lowe portrays a man who cannot urinate with others in the room. Steve Soifer complained: "The portrayal is making it look ridiculous, that this guy is a loser for having a problem."
OH, NO! ... NO, NO, NO! ... GOD HELP US, NO!
Actor Steven Seagal, a member of Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio's 3,000-strong civilian posse, said he is considering running for governor of Arizona. The 61-year-old martial arts expert, who has been deputized by sheriffs in three other states, says he wants to increase border security.
HIT AND RUNS
Oro Valley resident Persis Draper, 92, told the Arizona Daily Star she fled the scene after hitting a pedestrian with her car because she had an attack of diarrhea.
"The diarrhea started up again after the accident happened," said Draper, 92. "I was going to stop, but then the diarrhea came and I didn't stop."
IF WE SAW THIS THING, WE'D NEVER SLEEP AGAIN
During a routine inspection, Nogales customs officials seized a mask covered in dry chicken blood and feathers. The owner of the mask said it had been prescribed as a sleeping aid by a Mexican natural healer.
MUSIC IS HER LIFE
An 18-year-old Mexican national was busted at the port of Nogales for allegedly trying to smuggle almost 5 pounds of methamphetamine into the U.S. inside an accordion.
BREAKING REALLY BAD
Methamphetamine is surging across the Arizona border. In fiscal 2012, U.S. Customs and Border Protection reports that its officers seized 1,722 pounds of meth being smuggled into this country. During the first 11 months of 2013, the figure was 2,897 pounds, about 70 percent of that in Nogales.
SLOUCHING TOWARD APPOMATTOX IN THE DRUG WAR
Testifying before the Senate Armed Services Committee, Marine General John F. Kelly, head of the U.S. Southern Command, said he lacks the resources to go after the illegal drugs flowing into the U.S. from Latin America. In spite of the billions spent in the war on drugs, Kelly said he is able to interdict only 20 percent of the drugs leaving Columbia.
As for the remaining 80 percent, Kelly said he has to "sit and watch it go by."