This Week’s Issue

1. Okay time to comment on the week’s issue, or at least as much of it as I can stand before my mind turns to paste.

   Mari Herreras leads off with a swirling, swishing cover story. “Swirl and swish. Swirl and swish.” Ooh, I just had a flashback to the junior-high bullies who flushed the toilet with my head in it. (Kudos to the editor for NOT using “Swirl and swish” in the headline.)

   I then had a vision of a dancer spinning to the music of Khachaturian. It morphed into a vision of a load of laundry on its spin cycle. Then I saw Charybdis….or Scylla, I’m not sure which is which. I got dizzy.

   This is a thorough article; so thorough, in fact, that after reading it I felt like I’d done the Tour de France and only had one testicle. Er, chronicle. The story is a chronicle.

   The article does falter a bit in the following graph:

   “One rider, bike builder and activist Evaristo Ramirez, aka Varo, was arrested, and his 7-foot unicycle was confiscated. University of Arizona students Nick Jett and Adam Piatkowski; Adam’s brother, Aaron Piatkowski, a Web designer; and artist Hunter King are the guys who started the Community Ride on Jett’s 21st birthday. The ride has been easy-going from the beginning–a slow-paced evening ride that was part-adventure, part-social activity, they said. They didn’t expect it to grow into a local social movement.”

   The reason it falters is I think it’s supposed to be two graphs. There’s a paragraph space missing between the part about Varo and the part listing the core riders. I spent several extra seconds trying to figure out what the relationship was between the first sentence and the rest of the paragraph. You might say I was spinning my wheels….ho ho ho.

   Mari Herreras skimps out on telling us why Varo was arrested, and why his unicycle was taken. She totally leaves us hanging….did Vari get back his “unit”? Herreras also never tells us why in the photograph Varo is wearing clothing that resembles a cow.

   A mass bike ride does sound fun, I guess, but Herreras conveniently forgets that bicycles are “gateway vehicles” that often lead to much more dangerous vehicles like scooters, converted shopping carts, and gyrocopters.

   Herreras also confused me with this:

   “According to Ryberg, Tarrant said there would be less of a police presence at the next ride on Oct. 30, with only six bicycle cops. If any motorcycle cops joined, they would be used to block intersections … Tarrant asked the group to do some self-policing, and if successful, there would be no need for a police presence during future rides … Tarrant also reportedly said that police would not continue to help unless the TPD was financially compensated…”

   Whoa, there! First the uninvited police are busting people for blocking intersections; then they’re joining in to block intersections; then they’re demanding blocks of cash to stick around? You’re moving a little fast for me there, Herreras.

   The other problem I have with this article is there’s no mention whether the bicyclists have those “SQUONK-A!” horns. Love those.

2. On to Tom Danehy’s column. I ran a few Google searches and it checks out. It’s Danehy’s original work. (Ha ha, notice Danehy ribbing me in the opening graph.)

   Anyway, Dylan Thomas did not write “Do not go gentle into that good night,” Rodney Dangerfield did. You know what Dylan Thomas did write, Tom? Your ass.

   Much of Danehy’s article seems like a ploy to keep us from criticizing him this week. “Oh, his friend died…” Then: “Awww, Tom Danehy does not have a best friend!” Finally, “Danehy’s friend was gay, and they went out to movies together? Danehy’s my new liberal hero!”

   If you haven’t yet figured out if I am joking around, I am, admittedly quite lamely. This was a pretty decent little slice-of-life (plus a few morsels of death, unfortunately) column. How many people prematurely vanish from earth and are never lucky enough to be memorialized in print?

   Danehy never mentions how his friend died. If you read between the lines of Danehy’s closing lines, it sounds like the guy might have taken his own life.

   I’ll bet a lot of people are going to get stuck renting movies like “Domino” now.

   I gotta agree with Danehy that “Out of Sight” is the best Elmore Leonard-based movie. As for “Get Shorty,” I never realized Danny DeVito was gay.

3. …but Herreras conveniently forgets that bicycles are “gateway vehicles” that often lead to much more dangerous vehicles like scooters, converted shopping carts, and gyrocopters.

   I laughed out loud on that comment… and then I ate a snocone.

4. Imagine my disappointment after reading the cover story and Danehy’s column and not finding anything to really sink my critical teeth into. Thankfully, Connie Tuttle’s column this week is delightfully full of suck.

   This is the column in a nutshell: “I took a red-eye flight. I intended to sleep. But there were various distractions. I NEVER SLEPT! Isn’t that just the dickens?!”

   Maybe you Tucson Weekly people can tell me: Is Connie Tuttle a dainty little old lady? Her descriptions made it sound like Miss Marple’s Mile-High Knitting Club. I kept waiting for the paragraph about how they confiscated her yarn needles at the security gate.

   Connie Tuttle’s all, “I had a neck pillow, and I brought a baggie of elixirs, and I drank water so I’d be hydrated, and I was wearing my extra-flexible girdle, and…” Then she drops this bombshell:

   “I sprayed the tray table and armrest with the anti-microbial my daughter had assured me would get rid of any airplane nasties waiting to take up residence in my lungs.”

   What…..the……hell?

   Note to Connie “gran’ma” Tuttle: There are about 100 times more germs in your kitchen sink and on your office telephone than there are in an airplane. Be sure to anti-microbial-ize your shopping cart handle next time you’re at the grocery store, too.

   Ewwwwww, Connie Tuttle is Felix Unger’s twin sister!

5. Imani Williams’ super-serious article about the “Transgender Day of Remembrance” is so humorless, it just cries out for mocking. Sorry, Imani!

   Imani sez: “Every year, we lose beautiful people to hate crimes, HIV/AIDS and suicide. The laws meant to protect simply don’t reach as far as they should.”

   Uhhhh….. The way these two sentences are juxtaposed makes it sound like you want more severe laws against AIDS and suicide. As for hate crimes, do you really want the laws to go farther? Seems to me that “murder” is “murder” whether it’s a bigot killing a homosexual or a super-idealistically-wonderful person killing a non-gender-specific sorta-hard-to-categorize something-or-other person.

   Imani: “Films like Transamerica and Sundance Channel’s Transgeneration bring to light and chronicle the day-to-day lives of what some in the trans community experience.”

   You forgot “Transformers,” the movie about sex-changing robot/cars. “I’m a Mustang, but I really want to be a Volkswagen Golf.” Chonka, chonka, foom….I’m a Golf! And I’m self-actualized!

   “We need to celebrate those in the “T” community who were brave enough to let their voices be heard, speaking with clothing and spirit of their hearts, finding courage to identify with the woman or man within.”

   I’m all for people doing what they have to do to be happy. But I’m not all for people writing about it using such icky, creepy, Richard Simmons-sweater-style language. This column sounds like it was written by the folk-singing teacher in “Beavis and Butt-head” — the one who sings “Lesbian Seagull.”

   “I stand with my trans brothers and sisters for truth and justice.”

   This just in: Imani Williams is a superhero.

6. More later.

7. Dear Sin Twister,
   After some time has passed after last week’s pas de deux (if you’ll, ahem, pardon my French), I think I owe you a debt of gratitude. I’m going to work extra hard to be fresh and original and the best I can be. I don’t want any more misunderstandings. One small note: I wrote the column about Tom before our weekend exchanges. Take care.

8. Hey Tom! Thanks for your note. You’re a good man, Charlie Danehy. I am glad if I lit a fire under your butt, though it seemed more like a match that burnt my fingers. (There are too many things wrong with that metaphor….best not to continue it.) I look forward to your future writings. I hope you always enjoy yourself and learn things while composing your columns.

   As long as I am here I will tell you that I vividly recall friends from yore reading the Tucson Weekly and laughing, and when I asked why they had read some turn of phrase or other comment in one of your columns.

   I dug them too. Another columnist I liked, back then, was Jeff Smith. I recall a friend of mine getting teary eyed after reading Jeff’s column about how the companionship of a pet can sometimes be the only thing that makes life bearable. I also remember a Jeff Smith column, I’m guessing about domestic violence or some related crime, where he made a point of emphasizing that women should never, ever be hit, under any circumstance. I remember that because it’s the first time I’d heard somebody state that so unequivocally. Sometimes just stating the obvious in makes a memorable and effective column.

   I used to read your columns, and Jeff’s, and everybody else’s stuff, while going to college at the U of A. It was a weekly ritual, grabbing the paper in the Student Union while bustling between classes, then at lunch paging through it and locating various points of interest and mirth and, best of all, oddity. I love the anything-goes, anarchistic, stratch-your-head, what-the-hell, subversive, irreverent, weirdness-celebrating, and altogether more human approach that papers like the Tucson Weekly take. (Note: Reading the Weekly seems to go especially well with a Japanese food lunch, what with the patterns that soy sauce make on the paper pulp. Mexican food too, depending on style of hot sauce.)

   In high school in Phoenix I used to have a similar ritual with the New Times. I’m pretty sure it came out Wednesday morning, and I always grabbed one at 7-11 or Circle-K at lunch time, then read it during one of my less strictly monitored classes. This is back in the days of Matt Groening’s “Life in Hell” (long before The Simpsons), Cecil Adams’s Q&A column, Joe Bob Briggs’ drive-in movie reviews, and a juicy sex-and-relationships column that I can’t remember who wrote. My favorite of all was Bob Boze Bell, who drew freaky-looking, sketchy-style cartoons based on topical issues and local characters. It was extremely irreverent and caustic, and often his drawings/comments would be a centerpiece or spread in the middle of the paper. I ate that stuff up. Many of the other kids in high school had no idea why I was reading the paper or even what was in it. They missed out.

   So I think of that when I think of all the possibilities of writing… There are so many angles to take, so much fun to be had. And there are thousands of people (like 50,000 people at the U of A) who will eat it up if it is done well and with inspiration. Too bad they don’t offer more feedback in forums like this one.

   Another of my favorite columnists was the late Molly Ivins. She was spot-on with her incessant criticisms of “Shrub” and she always had all the nitty-gritty facts and details to back up whatever she was harping about. Even though she is Texan, her style and earthy, no-B.S. approach remind me of a lot of the great people in Tucson.

   Another columnist who I wholeheartedly recommend you (and others) check out is Jonathan Ames. I think he’s writing lots of higher-end freelance stuff now (recently he interviewed Marilyn Manson for Rolling Stone), but his early stuff was some sort of personal-experience/anecdote column for one of the smaller New York weeklies, I forget which. His articles are anthologized in a book called “What’s Not to Love?” and if you haven’t read this you HAVE to pick it up. The writing style is simple and direct, and his stories are plain old slice-of-life, but his underlying honesty — especially about embarrassing subjects — is consistently amusing.

   I was thinking of what I would do if I had a regular column. I would probably sit down with a bottle of wine and a yellow pad, and just make a big-ass list of ideas for column subjects. Because I know I’d balk if I had to think up a new column idea each week, 52 weeks a year….I’d want a bunch of stuff already figured out in advance. Otherwise I’d end up falling back on topical issues and whatever’s in the local newspaper, and that’s often not the stuff of greatness (though it can be).

   That said, I bet if one were clever enough, one could write a column about clipping one’s toenails and have it turn out readable.

   Anyway, carry on Mr. Danehy.

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