Imagine for a moment that a magnitude 7.5 earthquake hits Southern California. In its wake, 90 are dead, and 2,300 people are injured. It would be the top story on news channels and in newspapers for days.
Imagine that the next day, another tragedy hits the country, with 90 dead and 2,300 injured—but this time, there’s little media coverage. Surely that’s an imaginary situation, right?
Each day in the United States, it’s estimated that 90 people take their own lives, and 2,300 try to do so, according to 2007 data from the National Center for Health Statistics. Yet somehow, discussing the plight of these nearly 2,400 people isn’t common conversation.
Joshua Wheat, 32, isn’t afraid to discuss the suicide that occurred in his family. Jan. 7, 2003, is a date that’s seared in his mind.
“I had a new girlfriend, and we went out to bars in Sahuarita,” Wheat recalls. “I came home after the bars closed. I walked in, and the lights were on. … I found my father lying on the ground. I went to check on him; he (had) already passed. My mother was in their bed. She hadn’t woken up at all. She had been asleep when he shot her. And then he shot himself.”
Wheat says there was no suicide note and no overt sign that something was wrong. “We had a nice dinner (that night). Afterward, my dad went to his room to watch PBS. My mom and I sat in the living room and watched our TV.”
Life up to that point had been uneventful. “We talked, watered the back yard and walked the dogs. We did our normal routine,” Wheat recalls. “It’s taken quite a few years to figure out. We can’t explain it. I can’t beat myself up trying to figure out what I could have done differently.”
Still, the memory haunts him. “I’ll never get that picture of my parents out of my head. That’s probably the worst part—finding them and not being able to picture how my mom really looked before that. I can see her, but the main image is seeing her in the bed with a gunshot in her head.”
Wheat’s experience is not uncommon for our area. A BusinessWeek report published last year ranked Tucson as the 18th-unhappiest city, out of 50 metro areas. A National Association of County and City Health Officials report in 2004 said that Tucson had the third-highest suicide rate in the country.
Wheat says he wants to help prevent others from having to go through what he did. He’s hosting a fundraising event for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) at 9 p.m., Wednesday, June 9, at Hotel Congress. A silent and bachelor auction, along with performances from bands, comedians and pizza-throwing champions highlight the evening. Admission is free, but donations are requested.
Wheat is also participating in the annual Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk on June 26 and June 27, an 18-mile walk in Boston aimed to create awareness about suicide. Visit www.theovernight.org for more information.
Tyler Woods, program director of Survivors of Suicide Tucson, will be at the AFSP event at Hotel Congress, offering support and information. SOS Tucson (sostucson.org) offers support groups and services for those who have lost loved ones to suicide.
Woods says “postvention”—helping after a suicide—is prevention for the next generation. She says those dealing with the loss of a loved one by suicide have a double risk of trying the act themselves.
Woods stresses that we need to change the way we look at suicide. “Stop pretending it’s not a problem. It is a problem. … We have a physical and emotional immune system. Suicide is the depletion of the emotional immune system.”
She also says we need to remove the secret and shame associated with depression. “People have a fear of judgment. They are afraid people will say, ‘Only cowards get depressed.’ Or, ‘You have nothing to be depressed about. You have a job, money, a family.’ … Depression can be organic in nature, a result of stress or chemical imbalance.”
Wheat echoes the need to have open discussions about depression and suicide. “A lot of people are depressed, and no one knows it. … (Those who are depressed) need to find someone to talk to and not be scared or embarrassed. There are people out there to help with this. Don’t hold it in and do something disastrous.”
Consider that in the time you work an eight-hour shift, about 30 Americans will take their lives. This continues day after day. It’s a toll that deserves its share of headlines.
Suicide Hotlines:
SAMHC
Behavioral Health Services
2502 N. Dodge Blvd.
Suite 190
Tucson AZ 85716
www.samhc.com
(520) 622-6000
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
1-800-273-TALK
Press 1 if you are a veteran
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Spanish
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
1-888-628-9454
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Hearing/Speech Impaired with TTY equipment
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
1-800-799-4889
Teen Lifeline
Based in Phoenix, serves all states
www.teenlifeline.org
1-800-248-TEEN
LGBT Youth Suicide Hotline
www.thetrevorproject.org
866-4-U-TREVOR
This article appears in Jun 3-9, 2010.
The Right to Die
I am a survivor of suicide and I CARE! My husband of 30 years opted out of life in an effort to take control over the one thing he believe he had the ulitimate and final say over. I am here to tell you that his suffering and unhappiness did not end with his passing, but rather, it lives on in those of us he left behind. My youngest daughter said it was as if dad passed his pain onto us and it is true. Here we are 4 years later still suffering the fallout of this un natural disaster. I say un natural in the sense that it goes against what a normal reasoning and healthy brain would decide upon, unless you are a completely and truthfully self centered person who cares nothing for those they leave behind, which in most cases simply is not true.
In defense of the right to die; I believe that a person whose quality of life has been so severely compromised may very well have the right to die. What I do suggest is that those of us who have been left to grapple with their decision and live with their unmanaged pain is not a decision we made. So how does that work. Yes you have ultimate control over ending your life, but what about the lives of those you leave behind? Yeah, I know, you don’t care, but do you have the right to take theirs too? Because this is exactly what happens. I don’t suppose you consider yourself a murderer, but taking someone else’s life is a crime rather or not you actually kill them. Most folks never fully recover and they live with the suicider’s pain and frustration for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately survivors are punished for your crime against yourself by the stigma associated with suicide followed by being socially ostracized. Do you have that right?
Generally speaking I have compassion for those who struggle every day with suicidal ideation. I had the misfortune of living my husbands’s dying. He wanted to live and he actually did consider the impact on those he left behind. He was not a selfish person but his need for relief from his suffering became the center of his life up until he completed. I also know that he had no idea in his twisted thinking just how much of his pain he would transfer onto those left behind. Suicide has a ripple effect and it leaves a wide swath of pain and un answered questions that torment the surviovor forever.
So, if you must end your life, then please be certain that those you leave behind understand that you are making a personal choice and that it is not about them. Be sure to let the police know that you did it to yourself so that your friends and family don’t have to be under suspicion for murder and then don’t leave your body for your friends wife or children to find.
Dawn Harward, CEO
SuicideSurvivors.info
Thank you Irene Messina and all the other great weekly staff who are finally putting suicide in the papers. Thank you for not being afraid to publish these stories. Because of you, and the others at the Weekly, you have saved lives because reading and educating ourselves is prevention.
When someone takes their own life, we have no idea what goes through their head. Once a woman attempted suicide and was almost successful. I was asked to visit her at the hospital. I did so. She had tried to take her own life in front of her two small children. When I asked her what she was trying to do, she said her pain was so great, she did not even see her children. She could only see the pain that was right in front of her.
Her story took my breath away and more and more people who have attempted suicide have shared similar stories. It is so hard to suffer from a pain that literally blinds you. We must have compassion for these people, and we must give everything we can to those who have lost their loved one to suicide. They are left with a legacy of pain and suffering and questions that can never be answered.
No, the woman had no idea her children were in that room and her pain and suffering blinded her. By the way, she lost her mother to suicide and could not cope with it. That is the legacy that it leaves behind. So what we are left with is how to do comfort and help give those who survived an opportunity to live again? By doing what Josh is doing, or doing what Dawn is doing, or doing what I am doing. Reaching out to the community and providing opportunity through awareness.
Thank you Weekly for doing that and thank you Irene.
As a hairstylist, I once followed the lives of 2 women clients whose sons had taken their own lives. Month after month I heard their stories of emotional pain. They talked to me because I would listen with compassion and this continued for over 2 years, long after their friends had stopped listening, believing these women should be getting on with their lives. Just hearing the stories left a mark on my own life. I learned something about death from them that changed me. Mostly more compassion for those who are left behind. This article deserves to be shared with as many people as possible. I was like a bystander at a train wreck. I’m a listener and I believe that is all I can do, so I listen when a friend tells me his girlfriend committed suicide and I continue to listen as long as these survivors need me to listen. Thank you Irene for this article, it has great value.
My then-19 year old son committed suicide 11/05/05….Since that date, I have learned more about suicide than I ever knew. And thanks to Tyler with SOS of Tucson, and also thanks to articles like this, I have been able to talk without feeling ostracized about suicide. The comments before mine touch in part what we as survivors of those who have committed suicide go through every single day…and probably will until we die…but I’m grateful for all of you…and for any and all help…to get through the pain.
robin