When our 3-year-old granddaughter woke up from where she slept next to her father, the first thing she saw was Grandma screaming at daddy, pulling him by the arms from the couch, pounding on his chest and slapping his face.
She calmly looked at me and said, “Daddy’s sick, Grandma, Daddy’s sick.” I looked her right in the eye and said, “Yes honey, you’re right. Daddy’s sick.”
His lips were blue; his eyes had rolled back. A syringe dangled out of his arm. Less than a month after a near-fatal car wreck, my son was overdosing on heroin—in our home, in front of his mother and his daughter. This was not the first time.
Our son’s drug abuse and alcoholism put everyone who loved him through hell, but there are a lot of us who love still him. How could we not? Before the booze and drugs captured him, he was an angel. People were drawn to him, young and old, for he was kind and gentle, beautiful and wise beyond his years.
As a baby, he rarely cried—or smiled. He was very quiet, and his most common facial expression resembled a melancholy weariness. I remember wondering how such a little baby could look so sad. A nagging worry began to grow, but the bond between us was so strong that I naively thought no person or thing could ever come between us.
As a young boy, Carlos was the most thoughtful, observant and calm child I’ve ever known. He loved nature, animals and a favorite desert arroyo he never tired of exploring. As he grew, Carlos began focusing his attention on the human world, and I watched an anger awaken in my son at the unfairness and cruelty he saw. Sometimes, that cruelty was directed toward him. When he fought back, he found himself in trouble.
In his early teens, he began smoking, drinking and ingesting every mind-altering substance he could get his hands on. He lost interest in everything except getting high. His love for me turned to hatred, and I was stunned.
Carlos had so many close calls and near-death experiences that he told me he believed he could not die. His life began to unravel, and as he lost most everything he once held dear, I think he finally saw that alcohol and drug use was destroying his life. But he could not stop.
He told me several times that he felt God’s purpose for him was to show others what not to do with their lives. He told me this with tears, and fear, in his eyes. I watched in horror as his life began a final downward spiral I felt powerless to stop.
He began to tell me he loved me again. After years of not hearing that from him, my heart just ached. It sounded like goodbye. And so it was. On Sept. 21, 2009, he was found dead of a heroin and alcohol overdose in a Tucson apartment.
I have learned there is no bottom to the well of sorrow that comes from losing your child. The hurt never ends. To you parents who have lost kids this way, I can only say this: I know the hell you’re going through, and there is no way around it. We just have to keep going through it.
To those responsible for producing and distributing this poison, you so-called drug “lords”: I curse your very existence. You prey upon the vulnerable, and you rob us of our children’s lives. I hope the spirits of our dead sons and daughters haunt your dreams and turn them to nightmares. I know you don’t care about our kids, but what about your own? Do you think your children are safe from this monster?
To you lawmakers who still believe in fighting your stupid “war on drugs”: You keep the cartels in business! Wake up! A 3-year-old knew her daddy was sick—not bad, but sick! When will we see drug-addiction decriminalized and the real criminals run out of business?
And most important: When will we finally reach out to the addicted, to help them find what they’ve lost—themselves?
According to the Pima County Medical Examiner-Forensic Science Center, in 2009, autopsies performed by the office confirmed 182 deaths due to drug overdoses. Though many of those deaths were reported as “mixed drugs,” which could include heroin, 25 deaths were specifically the result of heroin.
This article appears in Sep 23-29, 2010.
im so proud that ur my mother mom! that was nicely said,,and to my brother i love you soo much carlos and miss you,,but i will see you again:)
lindsey !
I like the way you have put the facts about drug abuse so blunt and straightforward. People need to hear it like it is and quit turning a blind eye.
Your Carlos was a very wise old soul. i gained much insight from him from time to time. He would come by sometimes perplexed about the behavior and character of the humans around him, wanting advise and to know why some people behave the way they do.
We had many intellectual conversations, that blessed both our lives.
I am grateful that he was allowed to come into our home and hearts.
Karen and Bob, even though he was a drug addict, he was a good soul, you did a great job raising him.
My heart goes out to you and your family.
Julie P.
Karen and Bob, we are so sorry for your loss. Words can not express. Even though there are miles and time between us, please know, you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. Chris and AJ
Thank you, Karen!!! My other half (with alcoholic heritage) FINALLY stopped doing hard drugs (coke, meth, etc) after he was 40+. He had to do it on his own – and put himself in rehab. I had never been exposed to substance abuse before. Our time together has been a horrible, trying, and enlightening education!!!!! Our country’s “drug war” is a failure – as we should have found out in the prohibition era of my parents. My other half told me (before we met) that he tried heroin one time, and that it was so good, that he never used it again – because he knew he would be ‘hooked’ by it. I’m sure he would no longer be alive if he had!! He will turn 48 in October. We’re separated because he has chosen to stay in a state that he loves and that is far more ‘open minded’ than most!!! Treatment has worked for him — unfortunately, like many others, he had a ‘record’ before that ever happened. God bless you and your family. I hope that your statement gets around the country — to our members of Congress, most importantly, because they are the ones that have to take the action.
Another Christine!!
I am sorry to hear that Carlos overdosed.Why did his family not get him help? There is help out there, if you want it. Anyway, I agree drugs should be legalized and the purity controlled- especially Marijuana. Not only would this provide jobs for Americans and guarantee purity, but would also put the drug cartels out of business and stop the senseless killings south of our border. Also, it would provide an economic boost(something we really need right now!) because all that money now going to the drug cartels would stay right here in our country, employing more Americans. Please vote for Medical Marijuana this November. Remember in November like Mr. Herman Cain says.
twowheeler, I know Carlos’ family, and I can assure you they did all they could to try to get help for him. But you can’t force an addict to accept help, particularly once they start to feel the whole world is against them and they are invincible.
I lost my own daughter to a heroin overdose five years ago. She and Carlos had played together as children; her story ended up much the same as his. She went through methadone treatment a few times, but the cursory counseling that comes with that did nothing to help get to the root of the mental health issues that kept her returning to the heroin. Also no help was the fact that the drug suppliers often hung around the methadone clinics to provide “the real thing” to those who were not strong enough to follow through with treatment.
The red tape of the mental health system doesn’t make it easy to help an addict when they are most likely to need help, either. My daughter became increasingly depressed and irrational in the last few weeks of her life. She was in and out of crisis care several times, finally returning to detox after being released from several days in the hospital.
I found myself begging the detox to not let her out until we were able to find a way to get her into a mental health clinic for evaluation, because I could tell she had given up hope. I was her mother, I knew what I was seeing. They told me that due to privacy laws, they couldn’t even legally admit she was in their care! They said that there was no way they could hold her against her will unless she admitted to being suicidal — but how many addicts who are bent on doing themselves in are going to do that? They are usually far too clever; they say what it takes to get what they want.
The counselor I spoke to gave me a handful of paperwork to fill out, told me I needed to schedule a hearing, and wait for judgment that she was at risk — then we MIGHT be able to have her picked up and taken for treatment. I told them we didn’t have the time, that I knew if she was allowed to leave there, we would find her dead. They said she was an addict who was making poor choices, but that there was nothing that could be done.
My daughter was found dead of an overdose the next morning, alone in her old apartment, after being released from the detox center not long after I last spoke to her and begged her to wait for us to find a way to help. The counselor I spoke to the day before called to tell me how sorry he was that she had died. He clearly did not understand how serious I was about how badly she needed mental help.
I share Karen’s grief, and that of every other parent who has done all they could to save a beloved child when everything is going against them. Our children were indeed ill, not bad people, but society so easily dismisses heroin addicts as if they were trash. Other countries have managed to find positive and supportive ways to treat their addicts so they have every opportunity to come out of their nightmare alive. But unless they have the money to go to the classy treatment resorts, ours end up being put out on the streets or locked up in jail — where, in many cases, it’s just as easy for them to obtain illegal drugs.
I agree that legalization would solve many of the problems. We need to remove the drug cartels from the equation by making it less lucrative for them to bring their products into this country. We also need to be able to obtain the necessary help for our addicted loved ones, instead of being forced to wait for them to be incarcerated, or dead.
thank u jewel:) and twowheeler MY WHOLE FAMILY tried to help my brother,including grandparents.He was a adult we could not make him go to a drug rehab,i wished we could of,,they only time we were not worrying about my brother was when he was in jail,,there were many times i would just hope he would come down and get arrested,,for ANYTHING just to know he was in jail and away from his drugs.He didnt want to die,,he loved his daughter sooo much,he just didnt realize that heroin could actually kill him,,like my mom said he would tell us”he could not die”,and he would smirk!I told my mom if she wrote someting like this she would have to deal with comments from other people,,but seeing “why didnt the family help him” was a bit much for her,,she is still trying to “help”to me by writing this,and my goal is to help ANYBODY,,ANYWAY i can who is battling drugs:)
When I had heard that Carlos had passed all I could do was cry….He was one of my bestfriends when we were teenagers….All though years have passed sence I last saw him I had always thought of him & his family & will Never forget him. I just wish I could see him one last time, but in time I will…I LUV U CARLOS!!!
My heart,thoughts & prayers goes out to his family….Karen & Bob I could not emagine lossing a child so I dont know what u guys have gone through…Lindsey, Joe, & Cat I couldnt emagine lossing a brother & im soo sorry for u guys loss… I love all of u & miss u guys soo much…
Love Always, Sally
Such a sad story, with a heartbreaking ending. As a Mother I can’t imagine your pain, but as a past drug addict I understand the hell you have been through. When you are addicted to a substance you don’t listen to family, friends, or significant others. You only listen to your body tell you how badly you need your next fix. It doesn’t matter how many times your family tries to get you to quit or you go to rehab. If you are not ready or don’t want to quit nothing is going to work. The saying “People can’t help you unless you help yourself” is 100% true when it comes to any type of addiction. Once you are clean the battle isn’t over, after five years without cocaine I often find myself wishing I could get high. I stay strong because my life is so much better without it. Thank You for sharing your story. Even though Carlos is gone, I hope this will help people realize that nothing good will come out of doing drugs. Only heartache.
To the person who asked “Why did his family not help him” They did and unless you have ever been an addict or have had someone close to you who is or has been you would not understand. There is NOTHING anyone could do to help Carlos even though there were plenty of things they tried he was not ready, The power of addiction is so intense it is not easily broken no treatment center, program, rehab, jail not even his beautiful daughter, His loving parents, His younger brother and sister or even his big sister could pull him from this “evil monster” that took him to his grave. The reality of all this is addicts are always addicts even after they become clean they wake up everyday for the rest of their lives fighting to stay clean not because of “Family” or “Treatment” but because they themselves have had enough. To Carlos’s family thank you for sharing your amazing story. Through this Carlos’ story is helping so many other people who are going through the never ending battle of addiction. To Karen, Bob, Lindsey, Joe and Cat I’m sorry this world is filled with so many ignorant people in this world with words of hurt but from personally knowing you, I know as well as many other people you guys did all you could most importantly you never stopped loving him and you are sharing his story to help others.
To twowheeler: I know this family & I promis you they did all that thet could do for Carlos! They loved him they talked with him they faught with him. Most importantly they let him know thet love him! Like you said yes there is A LOT of help out there to be had IF ONE WANTS IT! you can lead a horse to water but you CAN NOT MAKE THE HORSE DRINK!!! Karen, Bob, Lindsey, Catalina, & Joe I love Carlso with all my heart I know how much you all and he struggled with his addiction. I am so sorry for your loss. I myself was in rehab when Carlos died. I only wish I would have been around him more before it happend. You are all in my prayers.
My Dear Karen and Bob and the whole family.. I know how heart broken you are at his death… As Grandma I heard how you tried to help and were agonized every moment about how to help him… You tried every avenue open to you and nothing worked.. How one child affected all your lives and his brothers and sisters was a torment even to grandma and grandpa who lived so far away.. We were also at a loss at how to help but could only agonize with your family struggle…
I do hope your article can reach the hearts of other famlies…. who must keep trying to find help for their loved ones….and know hey are not alone in such a struggle… but know that drugs take over a “life” and their is often nothing you can do…
Know we prayed for Carlos in our Church for heavenly intervention.
Nothing can calm your grief…. we are supposed to outlive our children…Love yourfamily who are with you — as this drug death stamped its mark on them as well.
I LOVE YOU,,,,, Grandma from “Way up north”… Bless you for all you tried to do and I know how you both loved Carlos…
I’m so sorry for your loss. Carlos was a great friend and I know exactly what he was going through. I have been down the road of addiction and its not easy. And when help is offered if your not ready there is nothing anyone can do or say to make you want to get help. I am thankful that I have turned my life around and was heartbroken to hear about Carlos. Rest in Peace Carlos. And I am glad for all the memories and good times we had.
Dear Bob, Karen, Lindsey, Joe, Catalina and the whole family… My heart went out to you a year ago and reading this brings the sorrow to life again. I KNOW that each of you loved him and did all you could do to help him. But unless he was willing to accept it, there is NOTHING you can do but pray and love him. I remember many a days that Cat would be worried about Carlos and we would sit and visit about the good times they shared and how much he loved his little girl. He was a wonderful person who was sick, who was sucked in by a substance that controled his world and wouldn’t let go. The loss you have had is unfathomable for me. I cannot imagine losing a child, much less to such a horrible monster. I hope that this article reaches out to many who are in the same situation, and maybe it will save someones life. You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday….
Love you all!! Sherrie
What a core shaking story. If only a story it was, and not the harsh realities of life. Thank you for sharing that with us Karen, & my heart aches with empathy for you and your family. God Bless!
Tiffany Douglas
Karen, I don’t know if you remember me but I was pretty close to your son, and my husband jay and carlos were very close, so we feel your loss, not as deeply as u and ur family, but we feel it jus the same! Our thoughts n prayers are still w you guys evn after this year has passed, and will continue from now on! You make some very good points in your artical here, if they would jus decriminalize “drugs” then we wouldn’t hve these awful “drug lords” out there to take our childrens, friends, families, lives away! As ArizonaNative posted, if the “drugs” purity is controlled, then mayb jus mayb there won’t b such a callin for the stuff, and these guys would b out of our lives! I am angry w our system for helpin support these jerks, and helpin our loved oned overdose n die on the shit they are helpin keep on the streets! I love your family, and pray tht things will start to look in the right direction b4 too long!
This story is a reminder of the agony a whole family goes thru when drugs are involved! I have known this family for a short time but have felt the warmth and love everytime I am around them. It does not matter how much you love a person or how much you preach to them about drugs. All you can do is raise them the best you know how and send them out into the world hoping they will make the right choice. When the world is filled with such horrible thing how else do you prepare your kids, this is the question I ask myself. My child is not an addict but it took one time to change her life. She became depressed and angry and I was the enemy for the first time. It took alot of energy and agony to help her. I can not imagine having to deal with that everyday. Knowing this family for such a short time I could see the agony they felt and the helplessness they felt it was hard for them to see carlos this way! They did try many times to help him but you cant make a grown person do something for you they have to do it for themselves. I am so sorry that there are people out there that would ask a question like that without knowing the family!!!!!! karen you are a very strong wonderful person dont let anyone tell you different.
I know this family tried everything from tough love to unconditional love. Only Carlos could change Carlos and Carlos didn’t make it this time. Everybody who knew Carlos had a piece of themselves die when we lost Carlos. Addiction has been around as long as people have roamed this earth. As as American , I shake my head at our political approach to drugs. The war on drugs has been a total failure. We can’t even keep drugs out of jails and thats in a very controlled environment. US and NATO troops guard the poppy fields in Afghanistan and we are told we must do this since it is the only source of income for this country. The result is a flooding of the world market of heroin and opiate products. Heroin deaths in this country are spiking as a result. Take the massive profit out of these drugs by legalizing them and promote the product for what it is——–DEATH. The market place will kick in and find a high for the addict that doesn’t kill the users/buyers.
I’m not sure if there is an afterlife that people experience when they die. I hope there is. I hope Carlos was met by two of his Grandparents that showed him a place of peace where Carlos could live without the pain he experienced here. Oh God, how I hope.
Going public with such a painful and heartfelt story so that others may gain a clearer perspective is so very generous. Thank you for sharing. Hopefully, others may learn from this tragic and senseless loss
Shelley Lane
My wife and I have been friends with Bob and Karen long before either couple had children. Our kids have been friends their entire lives and losing Carlos was like losing part of our family. We miss Carlos greatly and cannot begin to imagine the depth of Bob, Karen, Lindsey and Catalina’s grief. They are a strong bunch of folks and we know that they will get through this.
Carlos’ death can ultimately only be attributed to Carlos’ actions. We need to remember that Carlos was flawed like us all. Any of us has the potential to travel down a troubled road. Despite his deamons, Carlos never lost the love of his family and friends. His is another tragic tale and by Karen sharing this strory hopefully, it will provide a beacon of hope for anyone in Carlos’s position. Thanks Karen for allowing us a glimpse into your heartache and pain.
I forgot to mention Joe in my comments to Karen’s article. I know that Joe found Carlos after he died and is taking things very badly. What an awful way to discover your brother. Joe my heart truly goes out to you. Be strong my brother. God has tested you in a big, big way. I can only hope that time eases your pain. We love you.