I’ve gone my entire life being judged by my appearance. White kid in a black neighborhood. Relatively short (and still white) guy on a college basketball team. Really unattractive guy standing way too close to that gorgeous woman. Fat guy, bald guy, wearer of a Wal-Mart wardrobe. I’m used to the sideways, stink-eye looks; I’ve been used to them for a long, long time. My sainted Italian mother, Teresa Maria DiMarco, used to speak to me in her native tongue. When I was in my early teens, she looked me in the eye and said, “If you want girls to like you, you have to either be good looking or have a great personality. So you’d better get to work on that personality.”

Gee thanks, Mom.

One might think that a person who has been judged by his appearance his entire life might have a heightened sensitivity to the issue, but after you get called “Fat, Fat, the Water Rat” enough times, you kinda don’t care any more.

That’s why, when I was watching the latest Republican debate, I decided to judge them by their appearance(s). If anybody reading this is going to be crazy enough to vote for one of those phlegm-wads, maybe this might help.

Donald Trump: Frat boy. That alone should send you screaming into the street. Never had to face consequences. Daddy’s money acted like those inflatable bumpers that they put in bowling alley lanes so the kids can’t throw gutter balls. Figures why tell the truth when you can tell an elaborate, self-serving lie instead.

Probably couldn’t play any ball; maybe polo or something. Had people do his homework for him. Guaranteed to have been a (chanticleer) blocker.

Ben Carson: Poindexter, and not in a good way. Looks like he should be working as a greeter at WalMart. Probably doesn’t lie, which makes his somebody-pulled-a-gun-on-me story all the more pathetic. He’s apparently the only guy ever to have a bad experience in a Popeye’s Chicken place.

Carly Fiorina: Snotty, bitter friend of the Nice Girl, through whom she lived vicariously. When she found out that nerd/jock guy was going to be Valedictorian instead of her, she brought her mom to school and threatened to sue. Started rumors, even about herself, just so people would be talking about her.

Chris Christie: Probably was a cool guy in school. Funny, outgoing, offensive lineman in football. Straight version of the gay character, Cam, played on “Modern Family” by straight actor Eric Stonestreet. Somewhere along the line, got turned around and forgot what all Catholics used to be taught—Jesus was a liberal.

Ted Cruz: Was Hall Monitor in school. Snitch. Couldn’t play ball, so he became a male cheerleader. Sucked at that, too.

Marco Rubio: Had a huge collection of pogs, but couldn’t find anybody who wanted to play with him. Wanted to join a fraternity in college, but hair color and vowel-ending last name held him back. Did the Geraldo Rivera/Jerry Rivers/Barry Obama thing and changed his name to Mark Ruby. Still didn’t get voted in because he forgot to alter his eye color.

Jeb Bush: Recording secretary of the chess club. And National Honor Society. And the spirit club. But not of student council, because you actually have to get elected to that.

Rand Paul: The guy you absolutely never wanted to be your lab partner. Smelled funny. Not athletic or bad-hygiene funk. More like chemicals. In school, occasionally wore a beret to hide his goofy-ass hair. That particular move didn’t test well. Uncomfortable around girls, who were really uncomfortable around him. Made up his own jokes and then did a solo job of laughing at them.

John Kasich: He was the guy who was in your AP classes all the way through high school, but you always thought his name was Jim. And when you called him Jim, he wouldn’t correct you. Right now, when approaching a grocery store, if he walks through the electric eye, the door won’t open.

Mike Huckabee: Eagle Scout … but not in a good way. Fat kid who quoted the Bible, even in Math class. Had rosy cheeks all the time, year ’round. In school, sat at his own table in the lunch room and ate like a convict.

As for the Democrats, I love the way Bernie Sanders looks. Both Abraham Lincoln and George Orwell said that, at a certain age, a man has the face he deserves. Bernie Sanders looks completely comfortable in his own skin. He also looks like he has, in his garage, a DeLorean with an almost-completed flux capacitor.

The Democratic front-runner is a tough one. I guess I’ll defer to what Chris Rock has said about her. There was this great story about her; I think it was on “Justified.” It seems that she and her husband, Bill, were driving through a rural part of the Midwest in the late 1990s. They came up to a gas station, where the guy pumping the gas turned out to be a guy who had once dated Hillary. Bill Clinton found it funny and asked her, “Where would you be if you had married that guy?”

Hillary glared at Bill and said, “I’d be married to the President of the United States.”

Yeah, she looks like that.

This article appears in Nov 5-11, 2015.

22 replies on “Danehy”

  1. Another insulting liberal rant from the moron who probably lives of disability and lets his wife work. Oh yes, his incredibly beautiful wife, (a fact he figures a way to mention in each of his “columns”). He got Hillary wrong, who he does not mention by name?????. It should be ugly cow who didn’t get asked to the prom who should be in prison for numerous reasons. Now there is a dumb comment on a Tom’s level giving equal time to those monsters who call themselves conservatives. Thanks for my morning laugh Weekly.

  2. Being fat and ugly does not give you the right to denigrate others for being fat and ugly. Remember that Seinfeld episode about the dentist who became a jew so he could tell jokes about jews? Lets try to be a little more circumspect when using the public megaphone, OK?

  4. This is low even for No Testicles Tommy. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. He admits he can’t hold down a real job yet he has the gall to rag on a self made billionaire, a former CEO, a doctor who operates on children’s brains, etc. You can hear how bitter he is about being a loser all his life. Born useless, will die useless. How sad. I can’t wait to see what he has to say when one of these people ends up in the White House. He also won’t admit that if there was any justice in this country Hillary would be in a striped suit, not a pants suit.

  6. Is this for real? I don’t like 8/10 of those candidates, but that was over the top insulting.

    Are you going to “roast” the Democrats next?

    What is wrong with you man? I just don’t understand what the point of the diatribe you unleashed was or what you thought it would accomplish.

    I dig sarcasm and dark humor, but this was a mean spirited cheap shot.

  7. Like you don’t know. Supposedly he got a million from his old man to get started with. Look where he is today. He parlayed it into billions. If No testicles Tommy was given 5 million back in the day he’d still be where he is today. A) because he’s dead from the neck up and would’ve had no idea what to do with it. And B) if he did have some sort of business plan he’d be too lazy to get off his ass and do anything about it.

  8. Looks like I really got under the skin of Tommy’s 3 L’s ( Legion of Liberal Losers ) As usual keep the dislikes coming. The more the merrier.

  9. “If you want girls to like you, you have to either be good looking or have a great personality. So you’d better get to work on that personality.”

    So Tom’s a two time loser. Explains his bitterness at life.

    That article was a nasty piece of work. About as mean spirited as it gets.

  10. My liberal heart bleeds to see that you work so hard and take such great pleasure in being disliked.

  13. Actually, if any of you really knew Tom, you’d realize he was one of the luckiest people at the Weekly–great wife, family and coach. I think a few of you could learn a thing or two from him. But, as he said, he loves annoying the crap out of you–so that’s something he’s also really good at.

  14. People would be surprised at how well Tom and I got along. I could go on and on about things we actually agree on. For example, how we have Italian food instead of turkey on Thanksgiving. When his kids went to N.Y. last year who did he ask for suggestions as to where to eat or places to see ? Me. When this clown Kentop made a vulgar remark about his wife, who contacted him right away so it could be taken down? Me. As you know a while back I had a small problem with the Weekly. As you also know Tom got involved in my defense. I still have the E-mails to prove it. A few weeks ago he said he’d get back with me and that was that. Never heard from him again. I wrote him several times wanting to know what the problem was but, never heard from him again. If you had someone who you considered a friend who suddenly dropped you like a hot potato, you’d be annoyed too. I would love to hear from him so I at least know what happened. Maybe he’ll tell you.

  15. Please tell me Tucson Weekly doesn’t pay for this drivel from a self-absorbed douchebag like Danehy.

  16. Looks like he was trained by the CNBC debate moderating team. Insults and character assassinations are their specialty. All the while HRC is lying about Benghazi, four have died at the hands of terrorists and she is using her personal PC for State Dept communique. But don’t look over there because she’s the smartest woman in the world.

  18. But he did. I just asked him if he could find out why. I still have the E-Mail he sent you and your reply to him. All he had to do was tell me that the folks in charge told him to butt out and all would be cool. Would that have been so hard ?

  19. Tom doesn’t annoy me, he amuses me. Annoy people ? Compared to me he is as Obummer would say the J.V. team. If that.

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