Next week, some Republican voters (and a handful of selfish Independents) are going to determine who will square off against Democrat Fred DuVal in the November general election for Governor of Arizona. The primary campaign has been an especially nasty one, with a torrent of out-of-state money funding some of the stupidest attack ads of all time. Since they are Republicans—which means, among other things, that they don’t care about education or the environment—the slimiest one appears to be the front-runner, but it’s not guaranteed. So, as a public service, I am offering a voting guide for those who will be going to the polls next Tuesday.
Doug Ducey: Apparently the front-runner, although the race is still plenty volatile. Fake-ass smile, fake-ass record of “accomplishments,” fake-ass business acumen. In other words, the prototypical Arizona politician.
• OHQ (Obama Hatred Quotient): 10 (out of 10). Ducey, we are told, will “stand up to the Obama Administration,” as though it were some sort of invading horde. Manages to mention the President in just about every ad and speech. Looks like a person who has never met an actual black person in real life, but sure knows how to run a Republican campaign.
• Thing Most in His Favor: The money that the Koch Brothers print in North Carolina is legal tender throughout the United States and the two nut-birds are willing to throw an ocean of it in Ducey’s direction.
• Biggest Obstacle: He can’t seem to shake all the negatives that are still reverberating from his disastrous run as head of Cold Stone Creamery, a time when he got rich and a whole lot of other people got poor. He has tried to fight back with a commercial featuring two former Cold Stone franchisees. Check back with us when you can find a current franchisee willing to say something nice about you.
• Who Would Play Him in the Movie: Pee-Wee Herman
Christine Jones: Rich woman using her own money to out-spend the Koch Brothers. Claims that she will “defend Arizona’s border with Mexico.” Y’know, technically, Arizona just has state lines, while the United States of America has a border with Mexico. Even the most rabidly right wing Supreme Court of all time has said that Arizona can’t “defend” the Mexican border, but tough talk plays well in Peoria.
• Biggest Obstacle: Those creepy frameless glasses. Makes us think that they’re some kind of new Google Glass that allows her to see right through to our skivvies.
• Who Would Play Her in the Movie: Julianne Moore, who has cornered the market on playing crazy-eyed, vapid white women.
• Chance of Winning the Primary: Not great, but not impossible.
Scott Smith: The former mayor of Mesa is making a late run at the frontrunners. He appears to be a little bit less crazy than the others, which can’t help. His opponents have somehow managed to tie him to the failed Kyoto Accord, which would have, you know, saved the planet. Naturally, like all Republicans, he’s running away from science, but it has knocked his OHQ way down.
Frank Riggs: Now, this is the guy Independents should vote for. He was a three-term Congressman from Northern California who gave up his seat so he could make a run at the U.S. Senate seat from that state. He entered the race late, ran a really crappy race, then dropped out before election day.
He then moved to Arizona and was gearing up to run against Janet Napolitano for Governor when he discovered, rather late in his effort, that a person must be a resident of Arizona for five years before running for Governor. Oops.
• Thing Most In His Favor: He’s got the endorsement of crackpot Ted Nugent, who has offered to bow hunt and eat all of Riggs’ primary opponents.
• Number One Obstacle: Mostly, his personality. Or complete lack thereof.
• OHQ: Nine out of 10. His boy Nugent called President Obama a “subhuman mongrel” (and then insisted that there was nothing racist about that) and since Riggs hasn’t disavowed it, you’ve got to figure that they’re some kind of kindred spirits.
• Person Who Would Play Him in the Movie: Dustin Diamond, the guy who played Screech on “Saved By The Bell.”
• Chance of His Winning the Primary: My football coach used to say that somebody had as much chance as a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest. With Riggs, you’d have to take away that guy’s one good leg.
Ken Bennett: This guy’s claim to fame is that he’s one of the last birthers who is still allowed to walk among us normal folks. (The rest have rubberized living accommodations.) He once tried to use his phony-baloney political position to keep President Obama off the ballot in Arizona. That gave him Crazy Person bona fides, but hasn’t allowed him to gain any traction in this race. No chance. None.
Andrew Thomas: The disbarred and disgraced former Maricopa County Attorney wants to build a fence that would, in effect, cede the Gadsden Purchase (including Tucson) back to Mexico while protecting Phoenix. When he speaks, it’s like Captain Jean-Luc Picard talking about the Borg. “Here! No further!”
• Who Would Play Him in the Movie: Edward James Olmos (just for fun).
Now, get out there and vote. And try not to make Arizona any more embarrassing than it already is.
This article appears in Aug 21-27, 2014.
Good run-down of the GOP clowns. Now let me tell you a secret. One of them has an excellent chance of being our next Governor. The election for statewide candidates is rigged for the “off-year” election. Democrats go into hibernation and no matter how much the thinkers try to expose them, they still seem to win.
Wow, it is sick how much better qualified candidates are running on the Democrat ticket yet fall behind when it comes to getting elected.
It is the very voter who hides behind, “I vote for the person, not the party” that elects these candidates every time. For once, just once, if the Republicans and Independents look at the issues, they would vote straight Democrat. The voter wouldn’t go wrong, beyond a doubt, the better qualified candidates that can pass a sanity test are the Democrats on the ballot this year.
What?
As lawyers are prone to argue, let’s “stipulate” the state Republicans are largely beyond the pale troglodytes. Ridiculing them is like shooting a duck tied to a stake from five feet with a 12 gauge shotgun. Danehy, true sportsman, meets the challenge.
But Danehy, true to form, also demeans Independents as “selfish” apparently not understanding this is a primary race. One of the candidates, Scott Smith, escapes the Wrath of Tom relatively unscathed. Smith even supported the Kyoto Accord for goodness sake and “is making a late run at the frontrunners.” So, if a large number of us selfish Independents vote for Smith, there is a chance he will win the primary eliminating the trogs. If this is the case, then Arizona voters will have a chance at electing a non-rabid Republican and a Democrat as governor.
Then, given a choice between a “RINO” and a Democrat, we could have an interesting election without the prospect of the inmates running the asylum for the next four years. Independents (representing roughly 1/3 of registered voters) will play a major role under that scenario, probably casting the deciding votes.
Non-ideologues can agree the Republican Party is for the most part infested. But the question has to be asked, how much better are the Democrats? Any sentient voter can look at the state of Tucson and Pima County and notice Democratic rule has resulted in scandalous conditions in local governance and a breed of incompetents and venal inbreds running the show with little to show for their stranglehold on the electoral process.
That’s why we selfish Independents pick and choose and why we will be the largest voting bloc in coming elections.
Just can’t keep your hatred for the Republican party out of any of your
evaluations can you Tom?
As an independent, I see the race as Scott Smith and the 5 dwarfs.
The other five pontificate about things they have no control and little influence over. Of course, primary voters (both parties) tend to like rhetoric over substance.
Christine Jones could have had a chance had she started running her current ad months ago instead of harping non-stop about the border.
If Scott Smith survives the primary, for the first time in a long while, we will have two candidates willing and able to intelligently discuss and debate the issues relevant to Arizona.
Just announced:
Global warming is over!
People from Phoenix, especially the East Valley, shouldn’t be allowed to run for state-wide office for at least ten years to allow crazies like these sorry sacks to either die off or be sentenced.
More liberal diarrhea of the Tom (mouth). I will be sure to vote for whoever Tom hates the most. Then I know I will have gotten it right.
I must agree with Rick Spanier. While I disagree with Scott Smith on many issues (which is to be expected, given that he’s a Republican), a number of his positions seem surprisingly sane. Even more significant, they reflect a relatively high degree of pragmatism. A race between him and Fred DuVal would, for a change, NOT be like watching a train wreck in slow motion.
Nothing like thinking for yourself, Mark Robert.
I do agree with Jeffrey about Smith: he seems like a reasonable person. If he wins the primary, between him and DuVal, we’ll end up with a decent governor.
Why all the race baiting? Not liking this president is no different than not liking his predecessor.
That’s true for a lot of people, Harold. But there’s simply no denying that a lot of people have a deeply ingrained dislike for black people, and don’t believe that a black person is up to the task of being president. Some of those people are in Congress. Others are on television and radio.
Just wait until Hillary Clinton becomes president in January 2017. A lot of these same people don’t deal well with women either.
Donkiyou, sp what. Have any of these canditates openly stated the reason for not liking the president? If not then stating so in an article that is supposrd to be professionally written only makes the remainder of the article equally suspect.
Donkiyoti:
Americans normally have no problem with a black man (or woman) as President. If Colin Powell had run he would have won.
He would have been the first general at a Democratic Convention or a Black nominee at a Republican Convention.
It’s just that we got as the first black as President a guy like Obama.
That’s what they refuse to understand Fraser.
Some black folks hate George Bush and that’s fine. I hate Obummer because of his left-wing Socialist ideas and I’m a racist. Makes perfect sense to me.
President Hillary ? Where have I heard that before?
What on earth does the Governorship of Arizona have to do with the President?
Voters this state has hit the bottom under Republican rule. Look how they stole from education. Look how they have taken away our right to vote. And taken away the rights of women. Republicans are the real ISIS of this state and nation.
Sam, I love the picture of the Koala Bear, my picture is of St Philips Island near Melbourne with the “fairy piquins”. They march out to sea every morning to feed, then at night to their homes on the Island. Been to Au twice love it. The Aussies are true keepers that honor the environment.
The G.O.P. stole from education? They took away our right to vote and the rights of women? They are on a par with a violent terrorist group? Sam, please take this advice in the spirit in which it is given. Get yourself some professional help.
Face it folks, Arizona Republicans will vote for whoever proves that he/she hates the Black President and Brown People the most as this reflects their “values”
Shameful, isn’t it?
Bob, perhaps you and Sam could get a 2 for 1 deal.
Well Tom, it looks like your “fake ass” won. Are all his voters the problem?