Hi, I’m Doug Ducey.

I hate Barack Obama and I’m running for Governor of Arizona because I hate Barack Obama and because I want to be Governor of Arizona so that I can sit in a better office from which to hate Barack Obama.

A little bio here: My ancestors came from the good (mandatory sunscreen) part of Europe. The correct pronunciation of my last name is Douche-ie, but the Young Republican volunteers from my former frat house at ASU tell me that there is some sort of negative connotation that goes along with that, so we have the name rhyme with “juicy,” as in any scandals involving the Obama Administration, or “loosey-goosey,” as in my business practices. More on that later.

I was born in Toledo, Ohio, but I came to Arizona after I read a list of the greatest party schools in America; plus, ASU offers some business classes. Oh, and I misspoke earlier. I’m not a “former” member of a frat house. I’m still a member of Pi Kappa Alpha, a house I guarantee Barack Obama couldn’t have gotten into. When you’re in a fraternity, you’re a member for life, unless the house gets kicked off campus and/or disbanded because some underage guy dies from a drinking contest or the house exceeds some arbitrary number of date-rape allegations.

I am currently the State Treasurer of Arizona. My crowning achievement is that I killed a tax that would have benefited public-school teachers. In order to maintain my position as a Republican in good standing in Arizona, I can honestly state that no one hates public-school teachers more than I do. I may be dead even with a few people, but when it comes to public-school teachers, no one is going to out-hate me.

I recently picked up the endorsement of Cap’n Al Melvin, who dropped out of the Governor’s race because he couldn’t hang with me, donation-wise. Senator Melvin was on the front lines during the recent legislative assault on public-school teachers. I’ll call on him if I need a teacher-hate booster shot.

My fiscal idol is Governor Sam Brownback of Kansas. When he became governor of that state, he slashed taxes all over the place, just as I am promising to do. (He and I both share the dream of eliminating our states’ income taxes altogether.) Sure, his state’s economy is deeply in the toilet right now, but I contend it’s because he didn’t cut taxes enough. They taught us in Republican School that we’re always supposed to mention John F. Kennedy, who cut taxes for the rich and then saw the economy take off. Of course, the top tax rate at the time was 93 percent, a holdover from the recovery from World War II and Kennedy only did it so that his richer-than-God daddy could keep on paying for all of the family’s mistresses, but the economy did tick upward. So, if some tax cuts are good, more should be better.

I have several overpriced political consultants (somebody told me that such a phrase is a redundancy, but I went to ASU so I’m not quite sure what that means). They all tell me that running against Obama is a sure-fire winning strategy in 2014. Try to mention Obama as much as you can.

I heard a story once about some Broadway actors who had been doing a particular play for quite some time and they were bored. They decided that whoever could sneak the word “banana” into the play that night would be treated to dinner by the other cast members. There’s a chance that long-time Broadway actress Elaine Stritch, who died last week, might have played that game while performing on the Great White Way. (See what I did there? It never hurts to sneak in “white” whenever you get a chance. I’m not a bigot, but maybe some of my voters are.) Elaine Stritch was 89 when she died, but I’ve instructed my staff to try to find a way we can tie her death to Obamacare.

Why, it’s such a good strategy that Tom Forese and Doug Little, who are running as a tandem for the Arizona Corporation Commission, are using it. Yes, they’re running for spots on a board that sets utility rates in the state and they’re doing so with an anti-Obama pitch. It’s brilliant. They even have a no-Obama symbol in their ads.

These political consultants are telling Republicans that same thing, over and over, in just about every state and they get paid every time. Now, that’s a business model.

Speaking of business models, I’m sure that my opponents are going to try to bring up the fact that I got stupid-rich selling Cold Stone Creamery franchises, many of which went bankrupt. Well, we can’t all succeed; that would be like Communism.

In fact, I was so busy counting my money that I forgot to pay taxes on my house for a few years until they placed a lien on it. So you see, I’ve been Up and I’ve been to that spot that’s just below Up, so you should vote for me for Governor.

And don’t believe what those people write about my finances and business dealings in the newspapers. You know that those people probably all secretly voted for Barack Obama.

Yes, Barack Obama.

This article appears in Jul 24-30, 2014.

26 replies on “Danehy”

  1. Ducey is so beady-eyed it freaks me out. Who the heck are all these people, anyway?

  2. More of Tom’s ridiculous, juvenile, blithering. It is so moronic it is funny. I hope he writes this crap as a joke and to piss off conservatives and that he is not actually this stupid.

  5. Who going to vote for this guy. He doesn’t have the cleanest record and is all wind when it come to his agenda. All we need is another radical in the Governor chair. The state has been destroy the past 4 years. Lets elect those who want to actually help the state and the people. Not elect those who want to tear it apart and take away our rights.

  6. It is important that democrats and others vote in the Republican primary and vote for the worst candidates. That will be an easy choice.

  8. Funny how the lefties, who tell you they believe in choice, will cheat and lie to eliminate another persons choice.

  9. They have to do that. If they stuck to the issues (honestly, not the Medias version) they’d never win again.

  11. In other news:

    Honduran President Blames USA for Border Crisis…

    Sounds like a racist to me.

    Now I think I’m getting the hang of being a progressive. Blame everybody else when you don’t get your way.

  12. Rat T:
    Maybe we should blame ourselves for not protecting the border. If we had done that and actually did our job we would nor be in this mess. We would not be debating “Immigration Reform” (B.S.), not debating what to do with 15,000,000 illegals…and wondering what button do I push for English after the year 2050.

  13. rat…the border crisis din’t start with Obama getting sworn in. It’s been ignored for years.
    Sorry about you blindness.

  14. rat…yep I bet no republicans have ever voted in dem primaries.
    Love all those squeaky clean right wingers.

  16. Never fear, folks, my neighbor has a sign for him in the yard., and this guy has NEVER endorsed anyone who won, even in the primaries.

  17. Exactly Fraser. 25 years of Kolbe/McCain added to Grijalva and Pastor have given us NOTHING to be proud of.

  19. Not to mention the G.O.P. putting up presidental candidates like McCain and Romney. No wonder Obummer got elected twice. Hopefully they’ll get their heads out of their asses in 2014 and not decide to run Christie or Jeb Bush.

  21. What’s interesting is that the Barber campaign folks are quietly conceding the race to McSally. Democrats are turning on him in droves. they estimate a loss by more than 10,000 votes. This will be interesting.

    First he lost the Jewish vote and now the Democrats. If the I’s go McSally this could be a landslide for her.

  22. All this infantile drivel that the Democrats are by nature willing to lie and cheat to win an election conveniently ignores all of the AZ republicans who pushed the plan for Republicans to quietly take over the AZ Green Party and pretend to be progressive so they could attract enough liberals away from mainstream Democrats to help Republican candidates. Politics are filthy, and to try to say, “Oh well the Liberals do such and so…” as though a Republican party that is simply bereft of ideas and which tries to win elections exclusively by saying, “Don’t do what the Democrat wants” bore no guilt in the matter.

  23. …and then we could look at results. Oh look, there really aren’t any. Accept population out of control with open borders and environmental degradation.

    Excuse me but we have a water shortage.

  24. While this particular columnist appears to have a problem with Doug, I can speak only of his integrity and character. I grew up in the same house with him, and he’s been a born leader all of his life. I’m not much into politics myself, but I do know that Doug won’t have to spend anytime or energy apologizing for behavior that so many of our National leaders have to do daily. He was an awesome role model all through growing up and into college and beyond. My parents divorced when Doug and I were young, and he was the most important influence in my life. He married his college sweetheart, is in the process of raising three incredible boys, and is an avid father and husband. I’m always amazed every time my family visits Doug, to see the values he instills in his boys, and the way he treats his wife. I realize this columnist needs to sell papers, but I’d ask him to get to know Doug before he continues with his rants. He is a great man, and I’m proud to call him my brother. I realize I have a biased opinion of Doug, but those who know him best would say the same. Best of luck to all the candidates in November, but I’m pulling for Doug. Regards-Nick Ducey

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