Ask a Mexican

Dear Mexican: My family hasn’t been in this country for long,
came here because of lousy treatment by other Europeans, and didn’t
live close enough to the southern U.S. border to have exposure to
Mexico or Mexicans. So, those looking down on Mexicans can be
mysterious to many of us who have migrated to the Southwest, like
myself. My family wasn’t part of the evil done to Mexico, and I have no
racial or cultural prejudices. If anything, I just don’t want to be
clueless. In light of this, am I a gabacho, or is there another
term to describe me? (I’m not trying to escape the negative, as my
signature may show—just seeking accuracy.)

Sin Pista y Confundido

Dear Gabacho: You didn’t tell me what European group is your
herencia—are you a mick? A spic? Bohunk? Honky? Kraut?
Limey? Frog? Polack? Ruski? Maybe a vile Luxembourger?—so,
sí: Unless someone of European descent in the United
States specifically identifies with an ethnic group or nationality,
they’re a gabacho in wab eyes. If you don’t think the term
applies, you can apply for amnesty with the Mexican consulate, but you
must make a strong case that you don’t possess the gabacho mentality of Drinko por Cinco and Carlos Mencia when it comes to
Mexicans—and even then, a bribe is a must.

At Catholic Mass recently, I heard the priest read from John
10:1: “Verily, verily, I say unto you, he that entereth not by the door
into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a
robber and a thief.” This verse seems to contradict Catholic
Archdiocese of Los Angeles Cardinal Roger Mahony, the United States
Conference of Catholic Bishops and other Catholic leaders’ long history
of encouraging illegal aliens to “entereth not by the door” to the
United States, and promoting “stolen” U.S. citizenship through amnesty
when they get here. Jesus Christ, by his words here, does not seem to
have those same sympathies, now does he, Mexican?

Just Asking

Dear Apostate: Actually, He does. You refer to the Parable of the
Sheepfold, and like any good cafeteria Catholic, you cherry-pick those
parts of the faith that suit you while ignoring the Nazarene’s actual
intentions. In this case, you fail to mention that Christ was
condemning those who tried to misguide His followers. Refry this for a
reading: The sheep are the Mexicans, the eternal meek who shall inherit
Aztlán and who are already in His sheepfold—and who are in
no further need of salvation, because we’re one of the few
nationalities on Earth who give His names to our sons, and then
mongrelize it to Chuy.

Jesus is the United States, and everyone else is Man. Those who
choose to join His sheep go through the gate of historicism, the gate
that has seen the many sheep Christ/America has accepted and protected
throughout the centuries; those who choose to snipe from the sidelines,
who insist this country is broken—those are the damned, the
Pharisees.

Christ wants more Mexicans and other immigrants; you forgot to
mention John 10:16, where Christ stated, “And other sheep I have, which
are not of this fold: Them also I must bring, and they shall hear my
voice; and there shall be one fold, (and) one shepherd.” The USCCB
understands this, and therefore advocates for amnesty for illegals when
not covering up and apologizing for pedophile priests.

¡ASK A MEXICAN! BOOK CONTEST FINAL WEEK!

In 25 words or less, tell me your favorite local Mexican restaurant,
and what makes it so bueno. I’ll soon be traveling ’round los
Estados Unidos in my trusty burro to research my upcoming book on
the history of Mexican food in the United States, and I need places to
haunt and cacti to sleep under. One entry per person; one winner per
paper; five winners total for areas that don’t carry my column!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net,
myspace.com/ocwab or facebook.com/arellanog; find him on Twitter;
or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim,
CA 92815-1433!

This article appears in Aug 20-26, 2009.