America’s ‘divorce’ will be lopsided

Marjorie Taylor Greene, that hideous creature from the backwater swamps of Inbred County, Georgia, has finally done herself in. Using her incessantly flapping mouth in pursuit of ever-more-grotesque hyperbole, Greene attempted to use the arraignment of Donald Trump (the first of many to come) to score points with the drooling MAGA crowd. Knowing that the knee-jerk media will latch onto any and every stupid thing that spews from her tongue, she likened Trump to Nelson Mandela and Jesus Christ.

It’s really not that outrageous. On one hand, you’ve got a person who’s going to go on trial for breaking a few dozen laws to pay off women with whom he had cheated on his wife. On the other side is a guy who spent nearly half his life in prison for simply believing in equality and that other guy, the one who died for our sins.

She probably thought she had pulled off a double coup — owning the libs while sucking up to the sycophants. But she done messed up. I mean, how are you going to compare the MAGA people’s Feckless Leader to not one but two people with really dark skin!

Greene has been all over the place lately. She showed up in New York City last week. When she heard that there was going to be an arraignment, she brought an umbrella. Then she got “60 Minutes” to take a dump all over their journalistic integrity by allowing Greene to call all Democrats “pedophiles” and then not asking any questions about Jan. 6. What’s weird is that the interview was conducted by Lesley Stahl, who has been doing hard-hitting interviews for the show since it was called “Half an Hour.” Maybe Greene just stupids people into submission.

Earlier this year, she had the toothless hillbillies in her legislative district all atwitter with her suggestion that the South secede from the Union again … you know, seeing as how it went so well the first time, especially in Georgia. To be fair, she suggested that there be a “national divorce.”

She’s not the first moron to say that out loud. Dumbasses like Ted Cruz have been dancing around that idea for a while now. Cruz even suggested that Texas become its own country. He didn’t really think it all the way through. For example, how could a state/country that doesn’t have an income tax pay for a standing army to protect itself in case Louisiana wanted to invade?

But let’s indulge Greene for a moment. How would this national divorce work? Would each state hold a plebiscite to determine in which way they would go? If that were the case, based on the past three statewide senatorial elections, Greene would be the angriest divorcee ever.

Or maybe they could go by the numerical breakdown of the state’s Congressional delegation. Based on that, Arizona would go to the left, meaning that if Kari Lake ever came home during a break in her The Lamest Loser Tour, she would find herself behind enemy lines.

Just for sick fun, what would the two sides look like? The left would start with the obvious ones, California and New York, while the right would counter with Florida and Texas. There was a time that Florida was pretty evenly split between redneck Christians and retired Jewish people. But the combined heat of racism and humidity of shortsightedness has turned the state crazy. And, for decades, people have been suggesting that the influx of college-educated people would turn Texas from red to blue, but I’ll believe that when I see it.

How cool would it be for, after Florida divorces the United States, Disney to just pull out and leave all that stuff behind to be squatted upon by all the Jim Bobs and Lorettas?

You could have Bernie Sanders and Lindsey Graham be like team captains during P.E. class and take turns choosing team members. They could agree on some of the obvious ones. The right would get all of the directional states — the confused Carolinas, the Desolate Dakotas, and Opioid Central, West Virginia. The left would get the News — Mexico, Hampshire and Jersey to go along with York.

By then, the left’s advantage is huge and the margin isn’t going to shrink. Consider: The left takes Pennsylvania, the right gets Alabama. The left gets Oregon and Washington, the left is stuck with Arkansas and Mississippi. The left gets Massachusetts, the right gets Kansas. The left gets Colorado, the right gets Utah. And on and on. One of the few mysteries would be to see which state is the Fat Kid who gets picked last. If it’s not Mississippi, it’s got to be Idaho, with its tax rebels, fundamentalist Mormons and fascist militias.

Every time one of Greene’s hand-picked entities “divorces” itself from the United States, it makes that which is left that much stronger and smarter.

Obviously, this talk of divorcing America is on par with a gun nut’s wet dream. It’s foolish and dangerous and, frankly, un-American. Our country’s strengths lie in our differences on the small stuff and our agreement on what’s important.

But if they do want to get a divorce, we’ll end up with the house, the cars, the bank account and the friends. They’ll have the bitterness and stupidity to keep them warm.

This article appears in Apr 13-19, 2023.