James DiGiovanna’s List of Films That Will Not Be Opening This Summer

12 Angry X-Men

A Beautiful Mind 2: An Intelligent Butt

A Few Good Meh

Alvin and the Chippendales Dancers

American Beauty and the Beast

Around the World in 80 Dogs

Avengers 2: Avengerers

Battleship vs. the Battleship Potemkin

Big Momma and Madea’s Lesbian/Gay/Transgender Free-for-All

Bonnie and Clyde and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Bridesmaids 2: Divorcemaids

Brokeback Mountain 2: Humpback Hotel

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Film Festival

Dandruff: Based on the Shampoo “Selsun Blue”

Dude, Where’s My Medicare?

Dustbuster: The Motion Picture

DVR: Recording of Terror!

Elephant Man 2: Rhino Boy

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Unsuccessful

Finding Nimoy

Font: The Motion Picture Experience

Four Weddings and a Funeral and a Bar Mitzvah

Friends With Benadryl

Franco! Franco! Starring James Franco as Francisco Franco

G.I. Janik: A Real Armenian Hero

Gangs of New York 2: Sheriffs of Phoenix

Glee’s Anatomy

Gone With the Wind 2: I DO Give a Damn!

Hannah and Her Sitcoms

Harry Potter and Some Stuff That We Googled

How the Grinch Stole Kwanzaa

Kramer vs. Godzilla

Letters From Iwo Jima 2: Package From Guam

Life Is Beautiful 2: Death Is Not So Good

LOL: The Motion Picture

LOL 2: ROFLMAO

LOL 3: Based on the Novel “WTF” by Sapphire

M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Genius of M. Night Shyamalan” Starring M. Night Shyamalan

Mel Gibson Presents: Jewmanji

Meme vs LOL

Million Dollar Baby 2: Trillion Dollar Deficit

Ottawa! The Musical

Monopoly: Episode I: The Wheelbarrow

Moon Base Alpha: The Gingriching

Motion Picture: The Motion Picture

Munich 2: Düsseldorf

My Big Fat General Election

National Lampoon’s To Kill a Mockingbird

No Country for Old Men in Black 3

Oh No! My President Is Gay!

Pilates of the Caribbean

Pride and Our Hatred of Gays Which Is Not Prejudice but a Constitutionally Protected Right

Raiders of the Lost Urkel

Rick Perry and the Hard-to-Remember Facts

Rick Santorum’s Very Scary Erection of Heterosexuality

Rush Limbaugh and the Nation of Sluts

Ryan Gosling’s Shirtless Day

Santorum vs. the Vagina of Socialism

Saving Representative Ryan

Saw 37: A Walk to Dismember

Scent of a Woman 2: Stink of a Dude

Screenplay: The Movie

Sense and Sensibility and Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice

Snow White and the Seven Wharves

Spider-Man vs. Bridesmaids

Star Wars Episode VII: A New Licensing Deal

Television Show: The Motion Picture

The Amazing Fact That We’re Making Another Spider-Man Movie

The Bourne Masturbation

The Breakfast Club 2: The Breaksorcist

The Charmin Squeezers: A Tale of Madness

The Curious Case of Benjamin Hard-On

The Day the Earth Stood In Line

The Expendables 2: The Returnables

The Girl With the Movie Franchise

The Good, the Bad and the Romney

The Grapes of the Wrath of Khan

The Hunger Hunger Hippos Games

The Iron Man in the Iron Mask

The King’s Peach

The Notebook II: The iPad

The Passion of the Chrysler

The Pimp Who Stole Christmas

The Sound of Mucus

The Sound of Mustache

The Spider-Man Who Would Be King

The Ten Commandments vs. the Seven Dwarves

The Texas Chainsaw Massengill

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Bad

There Will Be Blood 2: This Will Need Stitches

Thor 2: More Thor

Titanic 2: The Titanicizing

Too Cute! Starring Puppies, Kittens and Zooey Deschanel

Tyler Perry: Vampire Hunter

Unforgiven 2: Forgiven

War Horse 2: Nuclear War Horse

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Whoomp! There It Is!

X-Men: Remedial Mutancy

2012 2: 4024

This article appears in May 24-30, 2012.