Joe Bob Briggs, the esteemed Drive-In movie critic, once wrote the only way to enjoy watching movies was "out under the stars, like God intended, in the privacy of my own automobile."

Sadly, that experience is just about cooked. In Tucson, those days died when the De-Anza Drive-In was demolished in 2009. As of this year, only 357 drive-in theaters exist in America.

Come September, make that 356. According to the Globe Miami Times, after almost 60 years, the Apache Drive-In in Globe is closing their gates. It's just another casualty of the recent push by Hollywood studios for theaters to covert to the digital format. All across the country theaters are shutting their doors because they can't afford the new technology.

This Labor Day weekend is the last weekend the Apache Drive-In will have regular programming, but on Sept. 28 they're having one last picture show. They'll be showing American Graffiti, George Lucas' film about hot-rodding, sock hops, and coming-of-age in the clean-cut early '60s. Starring Ron Howard, Richard Dreyfuss, Cindy Williams and Wolfman Jack, it's a perfect film for the Apache to go out on. Tickets to the event are limited to 200, and they're going fast. You can find more info and purchase tickets here.

Now's a good time as any to take the Official Drive-In Oath. Written by Joe Bob Briggs (aka humorist John Bloom, whom you might remember from The Daily Show's "Godstuff" segments) over 30 years ago, it's the only manifesto to my knowledge for the drive-in aficionado. Stand up and be counted.

My memory is so terrible that I never remember which of these class-action settlement forms I've filled out, but yet, every time I hear about one, I dutifully enter my information in the hope that I'll receive a surprise check down the road in the mail.

So, while I make no guarantees about whether you'll get the $45 potentially available from Naked Juice in a new class action settlement (the juices weren't so naked apparently since they included calcium pantothenate, GMOs, and some other less juice-like ingredients), but it's worth a shot if you think you bought some of their juice at some point between September 27, 2007 to August 19, 2013. If you have a proof of purchase, you're eligible for more, but really, who keeps a stack of juice UPCs just in case?

Join me in wishing and hoping for an eventual bit of extra cash.

I am a DISH Network subscriber, have been for more than three years now. And while it's not the greatest provider in the world, it gets the job done. Besides, I also get to yell HOPPAH! all around the house as I bask in the ability to record six shows at once and watch them in whatever room I choose.

I probably would not be a DISH subscriber, though, if it hadn't picked up the Pac-12 Network last year. Though the channel as a whole is pretty lame, it's what is necessary to watch whatever Arizona football and basketball games don't get picked up by the other channels. And that's important to me, both as a sports fan and as someone who gets paid to bitch about watch sports.

The Pac-12 Network is available on Cox and Comcast, too, so all of you Tucson-area non-satellite people (you know, the old schoolers) are also in luck.

Sucks to be y'all, DirecTV patrons.

The college football season officially begins tonight, with games on ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU, CBS Sports Network and the fledgling Fox Sports 1 (the channel formerly known as, but never watched as, Speed). So, Pac-12 fans, you're in luck, for at least one night.

But you don't get the Arizona-Northern Arizona game on Friday, nor do you get games involving UCLA or Oregon State (sorry Dan Gibson) on Saturday. And next week you'll miss out on six of the nine games involving Pac-12 schools.

So, why the heck haven't you switched over, like a lot of people (at least according to retweets from Pac-12 people and Arizona athletic director Greg Byrne would indicate) have already done?

Both the Pac-12 and DirecTV have said it's the other one that is at fault for why there's still no deal (and likely won't ever be a deal) between the entities. I say bullsh*t, which is the same thing that is said in a much more polished, but just as blunt take on the issue that Awful Announcing put together this week.

You can read that piece over and over, DirecTV subscribers. Meanwhile, I'll be running around my house, yelling HOPPAH! as I watch any and every game involving the Pac-12.

To anyone vaguely connected to the media, political campaigns are notable for the volume of emails they send out. Any achievement, endorsement or event prompts an electronic communication to a distribution list. For some reason, I ended up on a list for a Phoenix City Council candidate recently and his people would send an email everyday mentioning that he went to lunch somewhere or something. It was a bit counterproductive.

Yesterday, I got my very first campaign email from Mike Polak, Republican candidate to represent Ward 5 on the City Council (although to be fair, I haven't received any emails from his opponent, Richard Fimbres), but it's possible Mr. Polak's people might want to reevaluate what news is actually worth boasting about:

Mike Polak Wins Republican Primary for Tucson City Council in Ward 5

TUCSON, Ariz. — Tuesday August 27th, Tucson City Council Candidate Mike Polak won the Republican Nomination for Ward 5. In the city of Tucson Ward 5 is one of the poorest areas and right now is in desperate need of real leadership. Citizens all over Tucson will have the chance to vote for Mike Polak on November 5, 2013 when the election is held for the general election. For Mike's part he is excited to give Tucson residents a choice for a better Tucson. Mike now faces incumbent Richard Fimbres in the general election, which switches to a citywide vote.
"I would like to thank the voters of Ward 5 who voted for me in the primary election," Mike stated. "I would like to also thank James Kelley for his efforts up to the primary, and I look forward to working with my new team for the general election," Mike continued.

Of course, as you probably already know, Polak, like all of this year's City Council candidates, ran unopposed. However, seeing that some local Republican candidates lately have had trouble just getting on the ballot, this accomplishment might actually be worth an email, now that I think about it.

Possibly notable to the most "inside baseball" of Tucson politics observers, Polak's email does offhandedly mention that James Kelley has been replaced with a "new team" for the general election. So there's that.

Don't be a stranger, Mike and "new team." I look forward to a fulfilling digital communication relationship.

As much as the National Football League and the NCAA would like you to believe otherwise, there's no denying the unofficial — some would say unavoidable — link between college and professional football and the concept of wagering on said sports.

Go to any sports book in Las Vegas, and football is far and wide the most active sport in terms of bets placed. And though sports betting isn't "legal" anywhere else in the U.S., ambitious bettors who shall not be named specifically know there are plenty of offshore-based online sites that will gladly take your bets.

Such betting exists for any and all sports, but football is by far the king.

There is no official form of sports gambling in Arizona, but thanks to the promotions people at Tucson's local casinos, you've essentially got the next best thing: the prospect of free money that is loosely linked to college and pro football. And to spending time in the casinos.

Both Casino del Sol and Desert Diamond Casino have football-based promos that begin this week, and some of them even come with the "no purchase necessary" tag, if you can believe it.

At DDC, you've got two options: you can test your skill at picking the winners of NFL games, for the chance of winning free play in the slot machines; or you can just be a UA football ticket holder and rake in the free play for simply going to games.

DDC has enhanced its Cats Play, We Play promo this fall, putting a premium on the UA winning its games. Present a ticket stub from a Wildcats home game within three days of the contest and get at least $10 in slot play. If Arizona won the game, though, it's upped to $20.

(Writer's note: I might be swayed to sell my second ticket to each game for $9 or $17 in cash, depending on the outcome each week.)

The Pick The Pros campaign begins Friday, even though the first NFL game isn't until Sept. 4. Picks are made via kiosks inside the casino, and if you're among the top 20 in that week's rankings, you get $100 in slot play. Somehow correctly pick 197 of more (!) of the 239 games included in the contest and you'll get a $1 million prize that's paid in 20 annual installments.

Del Sol also has a picks contest, dubbed the Kickoff Pickoff, but unlike last year's similar promo this time around you're not limited to just one entry per NFL week. You can enter a seemingly infinite number of times, and make different picks, as you get one entry per day that you swipe your player's card at the casino kiosk. You can also get additional entries if you collect enough points on your card in a day.

Del Sol's weekly prizes are tiered, with $2,500 in free play given out each week and $1,000 of that going to the top picker. There's also $1,500 free play "quarterly" performance prizes, and the season's overall winner is guaranteed $5,000 in cash. If that winner gets 210 (!!) of the 239 games right, though, the prize jumps to a milly.

Del Sol also has brought back its uber-popular scratch-off game for NFL and college games that are broadcast in the poker room. If you're in a live game, you get a ticket, and if the last digit of each team's scores matches what's on your card you can win straight cash homey for each quarter.

Expect both casinos to bring forth similar promotions come college basketball season, too.

August Potted Garden Tips

• Marylee, The Potted Desert
• Summer Desert Potted Color

We have made it to August and as the sun rises a little later each morning, we can try to coast into September.
HOWEVER, as I write this it is hot and windy out so I am not sure if you will agree with my choice of the word coasting!

Too often desert homeowners make the mistake in thinking that a monsoon storm means they can cut back on irrigation or hand watering for their pots, gardens and other plants.

Points to consider:
**It has to rain at least one (1) inch in order to saturate the root ball of your plants (get yourself a rain gauge so you know how much rain your yard has received)

**Pots under a ramada, tree or overhang do not receive enough. if any rain.

**A deep soaking rain (more than 1 inch) received over a long time period (several hours) will replace one day's watering.

**Pots in full sun with flowers and other 'soft' plants are accustomed to daily watering.

**A missed watering can cause your plants to get stressed and this invites problems including pest invasion and disease.

**If you have not received much rain, water your potted cacti/succulents now ~ Deeply!

Potted Garden To Do List:

Deadhead:
Continue to deadhead your annuals and prune to create new growth and a well-shaped plant.

Fertilize:
Your potted gardens every two weeks with a water soluble fertilizer. Monsoon rains will support wild growth!

Prune:
Your tomatoes by two-thirds to encourage new growth and fruit set for the fall. If you haven't pruned back your geraniums, do so now.

Jet Spray:
All of your potted plants including flowers, shrubs, cacti, succulents - i.e. everything - every day if you are able. This will increase air circulation and deter pests and disease such as spider mites, powdery mildew, aphids, etc. Do this in the early morning.

Capture Rainwater:
And use it to water plants under your covered areas. Micro nutrients in the rain are great for potted plants!

Plant:
A fresh selection of annuals to replace those that have petered out. Nurseries will have new Zinnias, Marigolds, Vinca, Angelonia (Summer Snaps) and many other wonderful color plants perfect for this time of year in the desert.

Roses in August (from the Rose Society of Tucson)

Water:
Deeply water to encourage roots to grow to where the soil is cooler.
Roses in pots need daily water.
Never let them dry out or the soil will become hard to re-hydrate.
Check your irrigation system often.

Feed:
Fertilize lightly (50% solution - twice weekly)

Deadhead:
Deadhead your roses but leave all old leaves and canes to help shade the plant. Just take off the flower stem and forget the rule of going back to a five leaf section. The additional leaves that remain on the plant help protect it.

If you would like to receive these Monthly Desert Potted Garden updates in your inbox, click here to subscribe. Marylee is the desert's potted garden expert. Email her with questions or comments!

Tucson's very own Santa Theresa Tile Works is in the running to potentially win a fairly nice amount of cash and adulation from Martha Stewart, and all they need to help with that is your votes.

Right now, Santa Theresa is in the nomination round of the contest, and is competing to be one of six finalists in the craft category of the Martha Stewart American Made competition. If they're able to make it all the way, garnering enough votes from around the country, they'll pull down $10,000 and get some rub from MarthaStewart.com, which isn't too shabby.

From the Santa Theresa Tile Works nomination page:

With my first public art commission for the Tucson International Airport in 1987, Santa Theresa Tile Works was born. A woman-owned, small business specializing in an art form that I wasn't too familiar with, was definitely a daunting venture - but I was up for the challenge. Due to my ceramics background, I began to hand-cut and glaze my clay tiles in the shapes and colors I needed from slabs of wet clay. Combining tile shapes inspired by nature, and the vibrant colors of Arizona's Southwestern/Mexican heritage, our handmade clay tiles became increasingly popular. With a new website and online shop, I am looking forward to expanding our audience and introducing them to the Santa Theresa-style of handmade tile.

So, as you might have noticed, the Internet exploded when Miley Cyrus rubbed her ass on a guy at the VMAs, ignoring that the Earth kept spinning while a 20-year-old pop star acted like a 20-year-old pop star.

Well, a new Tumblr noticed the disparity and thought that one might be able to help the other.

Miley Twerking On Things We Should Talk About uses a picture of the former Hannah Montana and current acknowledged Madonna wanna-be to highlight things that Americans have been ignoring in favor of freaking out that a girl wore vinyl pants and used a foam finger as a faux-penis the other day. 

Other things worth talking about that Miley is rubbing her ass on: the March on Washington; an incendiary memo related to the global financial crisis; the Bradley Manning conviction; and so much more.

Remember that rant on satire the other day? Yeah, this Tumblr is a master class on how to properly satirize things on the Internet.

Pornhub, a YouTube-like site for pornography that many people reading this post will refuse to admit they've gone to, is no stranger to putting themselves in the public eye, as seen by their attempt to donate money to the Susan G. Komen Foundation with money raised from video views last October.

Now though, they're looking inwardly (ew) by tracking pornography stats from each state in the country.

Unsurprisingly, as Arizona is a melting pot of cultures and tastes, our citizenry apparently prefer to watch the melting pot of porn (ew ew ew): clip compilations, which one would assume get to the "good" stuff and get out just as quickly as they went in.

Apparently, Arizonans also prefer "creampie" and "teen" porn, which I'd rather not have to look up and explain to you all.

Something that might be pride-worthy to Arizonans, regarding their porn-viewing habits: they average more time at Pornhub than more than half of the country, around 10 minutes and 59 seconds, which dwarfs the measly 10 minute average for Rhode Island, but is beaten by Mississippi's substantial 11 minute, 59 second average — A FULL MINUTE LONGER. Apparently, they've got some staying power in that region of the south.

Unfortunately, unlike the last porn survey we found while performing perfectly legitimate web searches, this one doesn't log web searches as much as it does pay attention to the tags that people apparently dig, such as Nevada's preference for anita queen, Wyoming's searches for porn related to smoking, California's love of asian and massage porn (separate terms there), and Hawaii's preferred search term of hawaii. 
If you want to dive into this research yourself, Pornhub has you and your deviant research desires covered here.

Also, in case you're not familiar with how to do so, you can open private browsing in Google Chrome by pressing Control+Shift+N — though that won't keep you from getting busted at work. Just saying.