Monday, December 19, 2011

Writer's Block: Guano

Posted By on Mon, Dec 19, 2011 at 1:30 PM


Earlier this year, a local writing collective published American Guano. ($12, 172 pages, Give Whitey Five Press.) The book is available at

Book summary:

America's heart was touched by New York Times bestseller Marley & Me, the unforgettable story of a family in the making and the wondrously neurotic dog who taught them what really matters in life: writing a mawkish piece of tripe that could be sold to a big corporate publisher who in turn sells it on to the mindlessly consuming masses who scarf up such tripe like a dog eating its own feces. Now America celebrates again with American Guano, the unforgettable story of a precocious pup bent on mass murder and, perchance, anal fisting. Glory be.

American Guano is a blackly satirical novel set partly in the deserts of the American southwest. Our fearless protagonist, a dog called Guano (breed: Canadian Royal Mountie Mounter, purebred) attempts to form his own superhero gang in order to get his own reality TV show. Shuffling from disaster to disaster, which includes the wholesale destruction of the town of Oatman, Arizona (you are welcome), Guano eventually teams up with Moses for a lovely terrorism campaign that includes a discussion on biblical plagues and the true meaning of terrorism. In the end Guano and Moses are redeemed, being delivered to a secret island where human beings actually live up to their potential (because the book is fiction). The novel — only to be enjoyed by those with a highly evolved, vile sense of humor who appreciate how wretchedly short our society falls in cultivating human potential — is nothing less than a blueprint for a better societal arrangement (political, economic, psychological, etc.). No, really. We have the answers. Ha! Destined to make millions of modern cretins laugh and cry, this heartwarming novel is a wonderful keepsake for all those who love Guano. The last satire that matters.

This book was a collaboration involving several writers. We wish to remain anonymous (so as to not get shot for writing unpopular things — long live the Land of Liberty (LOL)). So we've blamed this book on the protagonist, Guano (real-life picture included on the book cover, attached). The author is an Ottoman Dinglies Retriever, purebred. He enjoys licking himself and long romantic walks on the beach. And cliches.

About the publisher:

Give Whitey Five Press has published three novels over the past three years (A Dog Called Guano, Jesus Chrystler, American Guano). Our novels are darkly satirical in nature. They are meant to synthesize elements of fiction and essay, and address topics from existential philosophy to the problems of technology and many things in between. The Give Whitey Five experiment allows the writers in our collective to voice opinions that receive little or no attention in mainstream venues. As such, we make a point to be misanthropically provocative (which generally translates into offensive in these politically correct times of the milquetoast). Our publishing venture is for our own writers who share a common vision and are willing to work together to see this vision brought to light. We have also donated all our profits from the sale of our books to the UNFPA, the United Nations Population Fund, which provides vital family-planning services to people worldwide.

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