Bed Bath & Beyond did it again — and the results are not always pretty. Anyone who has shopped there at least once, which is most likely everybody, and happens to get their address on file also happens to get seductive discount coupons mailed to them on a regular basis.

Change your address with a move and the coupons are even more seductive, with even bigger discounts. Don’t buy something for a spell and your coupons start coming with a catalog, just to remind you of all sorts of things you never knew existed but suddenly need with a rabid furor that borders on insanity.

This is where things can get a little ugly. The latest Tucson-area catalog is stocked with items that everyone must have in his or her home, workplace, dorm room or yard — which also illustrate the sad state of the American public. If we pretend we are space aliens and base our assessment of the human race solely on items available in a Bed Bath & Beyond catalog, we come to a sad assessment indeed: humans are basically lazy, paranoid, and organized to the point of being anal.

The Easy Feet foot washer takes care of proof of laziness. This handy dandy foot device appears strikingly similar to those rubberized flip flops you get in jail, although it features some fine tuning so you never again have to — gasp — bend down to wash your feet. A series of suction cups on the bottom of the jail-like slipper adhere firmly to your tub while the foot bed is adorned “over 1,000 bristles” to automatically clean and exfoliate while you stand merrily during your shower.

Paranoia is evident by a number of items now available for dorm rooms. No longer is hiding your laptop under the bed a sufficient practice to save it from sticky fingers. No longer can we even assume dorm living doesn’t come with sticky fingers. No matter. You can now purchase a state-of-the-art hard-coated steel laptop bracket safe or general bracket safe to keep your valuables securely encased in metal and attached to your bedpost.

Since neither safe requires tools for installation, however, it may mean neither requires tools for the thief to simply unscrew it and walk off down the hall. He’ll also enjoy a haul that includes not only get your laptop, passport and cash in one centralized location but also about $100 worth of hard-coated steel safes.

Evidence of human’s obsessive need to organize is apparent with approximately 74.72 percent of the catalog’s remaining items. Compartmentalized mesh shower totes keep bathing products and accessories neat — perhaps with room for the Easy Feet foot washer — while over-the-door shoe racks nestle near hanging canvas box sweater organizers.

Stashing things under the bed might not do it for your laptop, but it certainly becomes a veritable thrift store with the wide array of under-bed bags, sacks and plastic zippered storage pouches. The pouches have versions from which you can actually suck out the air with a vacuum to provide an astonishingly flat and compact storage unit.

Our obsessive need to organize, of course, stems from our excessive need to buy things. If we didn’t clamor to the nearest store grabbing at more of everything in our wake we probably would not need so many compartmentalized storage devices.

But shopping is good for the soul, or at least gives us a quick, temporary fix — not to mention really clean feet, without bending over one bit.
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Ryn Gargulinski, aka Rynski, is a writer, artist, performer and poet. Her radio show airs every Wednesday and her column appears every Friday. See more writing and art from RYNdustries at ryngargulinski.com and rynski.etsy.com.