Friday, March 4, 2011

Idiot Boksen - The Coming Pig-pocalypse

Posted By on Fri, Mar 4, 2011 at 4:40 PM

One of my biggest influences in writing "Idiot Boksen" is Wm. Steven Humphrey's "I Love Television" column in the Portland Mercury, which I read often in my early 20s. Now, I read it every Wednesday to see if anything out of the ordinary is airing in the coming week. That's how I knew Pig Bomb was going to be on.

As far as I can tell, this special aired a couple years ago on the Discovery Channel and comes back occasionally. Sadly, you missed the most recent episode, which ran at 5am this morning, but you can watch through some of the clips here. The basic premise is wild boar populations are blowing up all over the world, particularly in the US, where massive non-native Russian boars are banging the bejeezus out of the native wild pig population, creating a new breed of super pig. Apparently, these pigs are kind of aggressive, which isn't news to Arizonans who've ever dealt with javelinas.

Anyway, the special is all dark colors and ominous narration, like the wild pigs may one day rule over humanity like Sauron. I'm not afraid of pigs, mainly because I live in the city and not in the backwoods where super Spetsnaz hogs run free. My feeling is, why look a gift pig in the mouth? Let's get some hunters out there and jack these things up for their sweet, sweet flesh. I guarantee a bunch of eateries in Silverlake would KILL to put roasted wild boar belly on their menu. Give the people what they want! If a childhood stacked with Asterix comics taught me anything, it's there was once a thriving market for menhirs, and wild boar meat is absolutely delicious. I, for one, welcome our new porcine overlords.

All times Arizona

Walking Dead (Marathon!) - Friday, March 4th. 8 PM on AMC.

I'm not sure how I'd respond if a zombie apocalypse happened, but my sense watching Walking Dead this season was I wouldn't respond the way the show's characters did. I mean, of course, a worldwide epidemic of flesh-eating undead would be upsetting, but we humans are much more capable of adaptation than we think. Half the time, I found myself thinking, "Why? Why are you doing that? It doesn't make sense!" I won't ruin the end if you haven't seen it, but this happened more and more frequently as the season progressed. I was glad to hear the entire writing staff was fired, but it's possible they didn't actually write those bad scripts to begin with, so who knows what happens next season? (Possible answer: Frank Dabont.)

Regardless, the early episodes, especially the first, are a lot of fun to watch, and AMC is giving you another chance with a nice long marathon.

House - Monday, March 7th. 8 PM on Fox.

This episode allegedly features musical numbers during a Cuddy dream sequence. I'm not sure how to feel about this. I do love dream sequences, especially when they're in the mind of Tony Soprano, and Cuddy is no Tony Soprano.

It's usually nice when shows take weird angles to their stories, but I think House is the only show on television I want to be totally formulaic. I want there to be a weird medical accident, usually an instance of bait-and-switch where you think the kid's definitely going to start seizing, but then suddenly the dad's puking up blood and his eyes are turning black. Then I want House to berate his staff and patients thoroughly. Then I want him to swallow a Vicodin, talk to Wilson, and come up with his brilliant diagnosis. Then berate people some more. Roll credits. That's all I need, over and over. I don't need Foreman brooding or Chase looking all hunky. I especially don't need any Cuddy/House love stories, which make me want to dig out my looking balls. Olivia Wilde is welcome to stick around.

It's a tribute to Hugh Laurie that I don't want him to change. He's like Al Swearengen in kind of want him to be good, but it's way too much fun watching him be bad.

(At this point, if you are under the age of 18 or over the age of 22, you are dismissed from the column.)

The Real World (Season Premiere!) - Wednesday, March 9th. 10 PM on MTV.

What up, brahs?!? LOL! Season 25 of The Real World is in Vegas!!! MEME!!!

If you're between the ages of 18 and 22, you need to realize how special right now is. Sure, it's a time when you're making friendships that will last a lifetime and studying hard to pursue a career and whatnot. Really, though, this is the magical window when you will thoroughly enjoy The Real World. I don't know what The Real World is like right now. It's theoretically worse than it used to be, but that's probably because I'm 30. Later in life, you'll be able to tell a person's age by the seasons they loved best. For me, it was Seattle, Hawaii and New Orleans. By that third season, you start to realize how vapid and repetitive the show is, and you begin too see cast members less as fascinating and thoughtful and more as attention-starved sociopaths. Then, unless you're Bill Simmons, you lose all interest, or give the The Challenge a chance to see some of your old favorites. It fades, but you'll always have those three years. Imagine me grabbing you by your shoulders roughly and giving you a sincere look. Don't let those three years pass you by.

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