If any of you southsiders here any shrieking and cries of pain from Weekly World Central today, please accept my apologies and be advised that the reason for the sniveling is that I am doing contest entries today. I hate doing contest entries. Doing them makes my soul hurt.

Also ... confidential to the dude who called this morning to whine about the cover and the paper in general (and who, typically, did not leave his phone number): I am sorry you find the contents of our paper "sleazy." And I am sorry that your little mind was confused by the fact that this week's cover didn't correspond to any of the stories inside (except that, well, it did, sorta: It told people to turn to Page 2). I strongly encourage you to forget trying to read the Weekly, and instead pick up a safe publication, like The Explorer, or maybe the Citizen. Yeah, pick up the Citizen. They need the readers.

These have been your public service announcements for this morning.