A friend sent me this link to a Newsweek article on quirky children. I know that if I was in the doctor’s office or at my mom’s house, I’d be drawn to this story, secretly hoping it would solve a mystery my family has been wrestling with the past four years.
I also reacted to the e-mail as an intrusion and as another fine example of people wanting to give you their opinion on your life, when they know nothing.
This friend of mine has what I’d call normal children. Actually, before I had my son six years ago, her children were the kind I would have used to describe the children I would never raise–quiet, neat, never questioning authority. No, of course, my children will be like my husband and I: loud, opinionated, messy, expressive and happy, most of the time.
So, here’s this link that comes to me from an old Newsweek. I have one child. Probably won’t have more. My child is quirky and everything I imagined he would be when I thought of entering motherhood or at least my brand of motherhood.
My child also has an autism spectrum disorder.
The first time I talked with school district officials about concerns teachers at his preschool shared with us, I remember saying, “Isn’t he just a little quirky, just like us? We’re not exactly normal, so wouldn’t he be a lot like us?”
Well, they explained, it was a little more than just being quirky. I didn’t rush toward a diagnosis, which we didn’t get officially until January 2007. I didn’t want to put him in a box, but at the same time, I could no longer explain away his aggressive behaviors or lack of interest in other kids, or his difficulty with physical tasks or sitting on the floor with a group of kids.
I clung to his high vocabulary, his love of books, his love of music and his spontaneous concerts of “Hound Dog” in the middle of the grocery store. He remains all of those things, with his special interests in dinosaurs and space aliens, too.
He continues to have his bad days, and most of the time, I can’t predict when those days are upon us or his school. My cousin here in Tucson likes to tell me my husband and I are a perfect match for our son.
But really, I am only human. My son is, too. His autism doesn’t make him a freak or a space alien, like the ones he plays with. But when you have a kid like this, the behavior goes beyond quirky, and other parents and sometimes educators are not too kind or understanding.
Last year was difficult. We lived in this 60,000 population semi-rural community. Most of the mothers I passed at my son’s school gave us what I now call The Look. This year, it is a different setting. We don’t get The Look as much in Tucson as we did in Washington. I wonder why?
Does the heat make being “quirky” more acceptable? The size of the town makes it easier to disappear? County Supervisor Richard Ellias told me Tucson has heart. I’m not eager to embrace that just yet. There’s a lot of fucked-up shit in this city we’re not working on. There are corners where that heart doesn’t get out much.
The past couple of weeks have been hard. My son’s going through something right now. Two days a week, he’s in an after-school program at a community center that shall remain nameless. It is a center that bills itself as inclusive with a high teacher ratio. They don’t know what to do with him. They are overwhelmed. We’re expecting to be told, “This is it. “We don’t have a place for your son.” We’ve heard it before many times. It could work. I’m trying to stay positive, while also trying to advocate for my son as a new character I’ve created–Glenda the Good Bitch.
I knew I was going to have a quirky kid. I wanted a child that would question authority. I wanted a child that would love all that is good of being human–writing, art, books, music. Yet I find that our American society still wants kids that fit an Abercrombie and Fitch life. Not mine.
I read the Newsweek article. For my son, it’s not just being quirky, but it’s the quirky we have to celebrate. We all have bad days. It’s on those days, we say, “Fuck autism.”
This article appears in Oct 25-31, 2007.
Exactly…it may not be such a good idea to get “used to” one’s children.
“There’s a lot of fucked-up shit in this city we’re not working on. There are corners where that heart doesn’t get out much.”
Care to elaborate?
Good luck on caring for your son and dealing with his issues. I have no idea what anybody could tell you in terms of advice or insight that you haven’t likely already heard. I’m sure you’ve read every piece of literature you can get your hands on.
A question: Is it true that instances of autism have been on the rise for the past few decades? Or is it merely better reported? I’ve heard of correlations between autism and certain types of early innoculations….have you read much about that? Any substance to that, or is it just a theory?
Your know CL, I’m not 100 percent sure on the rise. There’s a genetic history we think about. Of course, my son has had his immunizations and there is the mercury to consider. Then there is the level of chemical toxicity that triples often from parent to child: PCPs, DDT, etc. Could it be our environment? There is an increase in all developmental disabilities across the board. I’m leaning toward environment. I think we’re also less sensitive to people who are different and need extra supports. The CDC hasn’t been as forthcoming as they should, and the new one in 150 number helped get attention, but has probably always been at that level.
Our schools are really feeling it. The only place for these children are public schools. Charter schools are suppose to make room for children with disabilities, but will complain they don’t have the resources. Private schools won’t tolerate these children, just like private preschools, afterschool and summer programs.
While there is a local effort to build a private school for children with high functioning ASDs, right now I have to give thanks to where my son goes to school in the Amphi district. While I’d like more services, they care and are doing a great job. Unfortunately, you sometimes get grateful for too little when you’re in this position – but I’m working on it. Remember, Glenda the Good Bitch – she lives!
That’s pretty sad if we’re collectively building up chemical toxicity through increased barium levels and other industrial metals. I went to the AMA’s site and skimmed their section on autism, and their verdict is out regarding innoculations. Strange — I wonder how much more time is needed to either rule it out or establish a clear correlation.
For whatever it’s worth coming from a pseudonymn-laden writer on the Internets, consider yourself given moral support in attempting to navigate the extra hurdles on top of the many hurdles one already faces as a parent.
A friend of mine in LA had an invitro pregnancy at age 45. She had twins. Her girls are labeled autistic. They have learning disabilities. I spent an afternoon with them and you could’ve fooled me. After they got over their initial shyness as I hadn’t seen them in a few years, they were just girls — giggling, showing off, chatty, reading to me, recalling details of places they’ve been and things they’ve done.
I would’ve never known about the label. Annie supposedly has a greater diagnosis than Ellie.
Decades ago, autism was rare. I always wonder does the label fit the condition? Are we as a society over labeling? And why the sudden boom in autism? What symptoms have to be present to be considered autistic?
I wonder what percentage of invitro pregnancies turn into autistic children? Does infertility drugs affect autism? What chemicals is the fetus exposed to during pregnancy and sterilization? If a mother consumes diet coke and aspartame, does that affect the fetus?
I was looking at the ingredients of a bottle of flavored water and the second ingredient is propylene glycol which is the basis ingredient for deodorant.
http://www.circleoffood.com/blog/2007/10/28/flavored-water-ripoff-or-godsend-you-be-the-judge/
My theory – as kooky as it may sound – is the increaase corrolates with the introduction and proliferation of microwave ovens.
Totally theory, mind you. But think about it….
— Totally theory, mind you. But think about it….
you are so WRITE!
does the radio speak to you at night as well?
that’s the one that freaks me out.
well that and the laughing doorknob.
No talking radios. No talking doorknobs. I lead a dull life.
Karyn: I’ve also read theories that it could also be people having kids older now days. While I hope I still fit in the TW demographic, I was 32 going on 33 when I had my son and other parents of high functioning autstic kids I’ve met are older, too. One study blamed older father sperm – which made me wonder how Tony Randall’s last off spring is doing.
I also agree partly regarding labeling. My son is a true kid. His love of Broadway musicals isn’t because of autism, but his father. My son does have delays, however, when compared to peers – in fine motor skills and things like reading and hand writing. The label comes in handy, however, with the extra help needed to educate him and help him through his day. He’s better with hands-off approach, and when educators know this and others at his school, he does much better. Others might say, “Well, he’s spoiled,” etc., but once it’s explained, it’s easier for everyone to digest and help.
Autism is just now beginning to be truly researched and disected. There are so many “types”, but many peoples’ concept of autism is Dustin Hoffman in “Rainman”, which was a very right on portrayal but it is only the tip of the iceberg.
Mari, I am curuious as to your opinion regarding that blond actress whose name escapes me at the moment who claims to have “cured” her son’s autism. I feel she has done a great disservice to the families in the sense that she even uses the word “cure”.
Not that this adds much to the discussion, but if you haven’t already read the book “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time,” it’s a pretty good fiction novel written from the point of view of an autistic child.
I am a special education teacher with experience teaching and loving autistic children. It seems your sense of humor is somewhat intact in a difficult situation, build on it! I am curious as to what educational options you have researched, particularly charter schools. I think some of these children are being “educated” by ill equipped programs. I am no expert on the subject of charter schools, just a learner asking for experienced opinion. Yours is valuable to the community.
On innoculations…my sons… born in 1986 and ’89 did not receive pertussis in the DPT until the age of 1. This is a precaution that I personally believe everyone should take. There has been ongoing litigation of drug companies since around that time. Lily in particular. My best friend’s son died of a seizure related illness linked to his “autism”. Just info to research for those concerned.
Charter schools often have staff who are not “real” teachers, just people who think they know what’s best. I would love to track the numbers of kids whopse parents put them in charter schools just to return them to public school within a year or two becuae the charter school is not all it claimed to be. I think the numbers would be astounding.
I will admit that I am biased (I know Mart’s kid’s teachers personally) regarding this, but Mari’s son is in great hands at his public school.
While the premise of charter schools might be a good one,many (most) were created by parents who think their children are “special” – I don’t mean special ed – and as such deserve special treatment but they dont want to pay for private schools.
I know these statements might piss off a few of you out there, and I don’t want this blog to be steered away from Mari’s original thought.
THANKS..I have just had a confirmation of my suspicions. I had a truly horrifying, first person experience as a teacher, with one of these “special schools”. This school had an autistic child the classroom I was tempporarily in. My heart goes out to his parents and to him. So sad. My hope was to possibly steer parents in a more sound direction in the quest for schooling for “special” people like Mari’s child. Also, as a warning to unsuspecting educators who may be exploring options of service in that grey land of the charter school, it can be a nullifying adventure. I would not subject my child (I did when I arrived here) or myself to a charter school experiment ever again. Be mad..all charter school junkies. This is an educated view.
ps..perhaps i should use good typing spelling and punctuation in posts… but i am quirky too..despite errors..nonetheless..passionate about the subject at hand..truthful… and a bit angry with AZ allowances for special schools cloaked in accreditted clothing. i was duped and dumped, and so was my son. long live the quirky mari 🙂 thread on charter schools and special education would be so welcome.
my errors are all typos….but then again we are all human (okay, so there are a few of you out there who aren’t – and you know who you are).
when it comes to kids school is important but to my mind it is more important what goes on at home.
a few things i’ve heard works in no particular order (since i’m a childless turnip exterminator living in a cave atop baba kiwi):
— love your child;
— always do what you think is best for them and be confident in your choices;
— unplug your television;
— avoid judging the children of others;
— be an example;
— read to them;
— cook with them;
— show them how to sew;
— play often;
— visit museums;
— travel to distant places;
— try strange foods;
— plant a garden;
— go for walks;
— be firm;
— lay off the sugar;
— tell stories;
— draw;
— paint;
— sing;
— dance;
— hug frequently and as needed;
— be patient;
— take time for yourself;
— help them gain the skill they will need to change the world for the better.
i missed a bunch i know but you get the idea.
—i missed a bunch i know but you get the idea.
Detail it, it’s hackneyed yes, but if you don’t detail it they won’t do it (for that reason, at least)…they just won’t…many adults “get” the idea out of the school habit of having to get things (or pretending to).
Also your list seems a bit top-down, that is to say, parental. Imagine a bottom-up list…could you make one and present it to us as well as a sane, that is to say workable, reconciliation of the two lists?
When we returned to Tucson I thought the whole charter school thing was odd. I still can’t wrap my arms around putting efforts into schools like this on top of our public schools – why not just focus on the public schools? A local friend who teaches said she remembers when kids would show up the first day of school when charters first started, and the school had closed.
Besides having competant teachers that could enjoy teaching our son, it was also important that he went to a school with lots of different kids. With all of his challenges, he can be part of the mixed-up quilt at his school and be with other kids who are similar. As a Mexi-ish-ish, he’s not exotic, just part of the crowd and part of being home.
Most people don’t realize that English has subjunctive verb forms. Case in point:
“Here’s to Wishing the Whole World Was Quirky”
Wishes, “if” statements, conjecture etc. use subjunctive tense. The subjunctive of “was” is “were.” So the headline should read:
“Here’s to Wishing the Whole World Were Quirky”
Once you get the hang of this, you will hear people misusing it all the time, and it has a funny ring to your ears. (For example, in the movie “Notes from a Scandal,” Judi Dench’s character is supposed to be this highly precise, anal-retentive school teacher, and yet she misses the subjunctive form during voice-over narration.)
Subjunctive: It’s not just for breakfast anymore. It’s what’s for dinner. It’s the other white meat. Kid tested, mother approved. Got subjunctive?
I’d amend the last of KM’s list to “skills they heed to make their life better”; thaat’s not quite as lofty, but certainly more realistic. Also, that “always do what you think is best for them” – is why things get so messed up with many parents. I understand what you are saying, but what’s best for them often gets parents into thinking they always know whats best for the kid even to the detriment to the kid.
Having a kid going to a school where he can be a part of teh mixed-up quilt is great because he will be living in a “mixed-up quilt” world. That is the reason our daughter – now a fully grown and pretty cool adult – went to Amphi Middle School instead of others in the district. We wanted her to be with everybody no just certain sombodys.
Besides. Mari, he’s only six, right? he’s got a lot of growing to do. All six year olds are kind of quirky, aren’t they? Do you get what I’m so poorly trying to say?
yeah okay wanda.
but you get the idea.
just love your kid and it’ll all work out.
— yeah okay wanda.
but you get the idea.
just love your kid and it’ll all work out.
that sounded sarcastic but wasn’t meant that way.