Danehy

There is a creature that lives in the waters of the Amazon River
Basin called a candiru. Also known as the vampire fish of Brazil, the
translucent candiru is shaped like, and is about the size of, a
toothpick. It is one of the few creatures in the world that survives on
a diet consisting of nothing but blood. The candiru generally burrows
into the gills of a fish and lodges there, using retractable spines to
hold it in place as it drains the fish of all of its blood before
moving on to its next host/victim.

The candiru is not picky about blood, and when presented with the
possibility of a long-lasting human meal, it will enter through an ear,
anus or vagina and go to work, causing excruciating pain and often
driving its victim mad as it goes about its business. (Since humans
regenerate blood at a pretty decent rate, the candiru could live there
for a long, long time.)

The worst-case scenario involving the candiru was first chronicled
by intrepid British explorer Percy Fawcett, on whom George Lucas at
least partially based his Indiana Jones character. While exploring and
mapping the border between Bolivia and Brazil for the Royal Geographic
Society, Fawcett wrote in one of his journals about how the candiru was
known to lodge inside a man’s penis, from which it was virtually
impossible to dislodge. A modern surgeon might be able to do the trick
in a hospital operating room, but in the middle of the Amazon jungle in
the 1910s, Fawcett reported, the only course of action to possibly save
the man’s life was removal of the invaded appendage, often with a
machete.

I thought about this the other day when I drove by a car parked in
my neighborhood with a bumper sticker that read, “Equal Rights for All
Species.” What does that mean, exactly?

Does a candiru have a right to exist? Sure it does, as long as it
stays where it belongs and does what it does. That’s part of nature.
But what if it somehow got transported to the Colorado River? Should
humans just stay out of the water, or should we eradicate the little
bloodsucker?

Bumper stickers are limited by size, and people have to get their
message across in as few words as possible, but does that person really
believe that all species should have the same rights? Should a raccoon
have the right to vote? Can a seahorse go to college? And does a
candiru have the right to move into a gated community?

It’s reasonable to assume that the person with the bumper sticker
just wants animals to be treated better. Maybe she doesn’t like the
concept of pets. Or maybe she’s one of those People for the Ethical
Treatment of Animals nutbirds who doesn’t want us to swat a mosquito
when it lands on our neck and wants us to wear shoes made out of beans.
(I’m not assuming that it’s a woman; I saw her get out of the SUV.)

I’ll probably never know, but the sticker makes me tend to think
she’s in the latter case. The idea of according equal rights to all
species is just dumb, because that would mean that a cod could eat a
Filet-o-Human on Fridays during Lent.

• While I have you here, please allow me to recommend yet
another TV show. This one is called Better Off Ted, an ABC
sitcom about a relatively normal guy who is an executive at a huge
corporation that makes everything from body armor to imitation
meat-like food products. The corporate types, including the
excruciatingly tight-bunned (I’m talking about her hairdo) Portia de
Rossi, are always trying to cut financial (and ethical) corners, and
genuine zaniness ensues.

In a recent episode, Corporate installed a system in the
headquarters that would scan and then turn off all the power in rooms
that were unoccupied to save on energy costs. One small problem: The
system couldn’t read black people, so whenever a black person was left
alone in a room, the lights would go out. A committee of black people
got together and decided to head up to the top floor to complain to the
big bosses, but when they got in the elevator, the lights went out, and
it wouldn’t move. One guy mutters, “This is not a joke. Eight black
guys get into an elevator …”

Corporate’s solution: Hire minimum-wage white people to follow the
black people around so that doors will open, and lights will stay on.
It’s very funny.

• Somebody just sent me a book. It’s called Pride and
Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith.
Apparently, the hyphen guy went back and used about 85 percent of the
original novel and just added stuff. So, while Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth
Bennet are doing their pas de deux, zombies are wandering the
English countryside. I don’t usually read fiction, but I might have to
give this a try.

• Finally, during the recently completed NCAA Men’s Basketball
Tournament, there were several commercials about an online NCAA store
where people can buy jerseys and sweatshirts from their favorite
colleges. For much of the commercial, it said, “NCAA.com. Over 25,0000 items.”

I understand that Southeastern Conference schools are part of the
NCAA, but most of the rest of us are probably annoyed by that
comma.

This article appears in Apr 23-29, 2009.