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Film Clips
THE ASTRONAUT'S WIFE. Johnny Depp and Charlize Theron star as a couple who are so beautiful that one of them has to go to outer space and get taken over by a weird alien life form and then impregnate the other one to produce an otherworldly entity who threatens the very fabric of our society. In the sequel, the world's most beautiful space alien grows up and hatches a diabolical plot to become the world's most powerful supermodel. A chilling parable for our ecologically and aesthetically unsound era. -- DiGiovanna
BOWFINGER. This would be a great comedy if it only had funny parts. Instead, it has Stars and Ideas, which are important, but don't quite make a film. Steve Martin is Bowfinger, a fourth-rate director who wants action hero Kit Ramsey (Eddie Murphy) to be in his movie. Lacking the cash needed to hire Ramsey, Bowfinger comes up with a scheme worthy of Lucy Ricardo: he has actors run up to Ramsey in the street and say their lines while secretly filming the whole thing. A great idea, but poor execution, paper-thin characters and a lack of actual jokes make Bowfinger as limp as Bob Dole without his medication. -- DiGiovanna
DEEP BLUE SEA. An extended version of the old Saturday Night Live "Landshark" routine, Deep Blue Sea features one of the longest explosions in cinematic history. The film tells the story of a beautiful research scientist whose lipstick is completely waterproof. Meanwhile, sharks want to eat her. It's kind of Alien meets Jaws with lots of unintentionally funny dialogue. Definitely worth watching when it comes to the cheap theaters, but unless you must see a movie about super-intelligent homicidal sharks this very minute, I'd save my $7.50 for something else. -- DiGiovanna
DUDLEY DO-RIGHT. In real life, the Canadian Mounted Police are a scary, ATF-like government agency. In Dudley Do-Right, they're represented by dopey, happy do-gooder Dudley, who must conquer the likes of master-villain Snidely Whiplash while saving the ever-imperiled Nell Fenwick. Starring dopey, happy, do-gooder Brendan Fraser, master thespian Alfred Molina, and the ever-shapely Sarah Jessica Parker. -- DiGiovanna
IN TOO DEEP. An interesting if flawed crime film with a feel similar to Belly, starring Omar Epps as an undercover cop who gets, yes, in too deep. Inventive cinematography and compelling performances by Epps, Stanley Tucci and LL Cool J balance out some of the script's flaws, and the need for a bit of editing. -- DiGiovanna
THE KING OF MASKS. Hong Kong director Wu Tianming deftly paints a simple yet moving picture of Wang (Zhu Xu), an elderly street performer who must find a male heir to carry on his mastery of a unique artform involving the rapid-fire changing of brilliantly colored masks. Things get messy when the little boy he finally adopts, "Doggy," turns out to be a girl (the adorable Zhou Ren-Ying, who makes the Olsen twins look like puke). I'm usually diabetic when it comes to sugary stuff like this, but Doggy's gutsy struggle to prove her worth to the old man (and to a culture that considers female children worthless) could pull a smile from the lips of Chiang Kai-Shek. The movie's visuals are as sweet as the plot, dishing out candy-colored images of surreal Hindu operas, monolithic religious icons carved from an entire cliff face, and the King of Masks practicing his astounding craft. It's a luxurious, satisfying film; I wanted to see it again a couple of hours later. -- Petix
MICKEY BLUE EYES. A romantic comedy that's more twisted than a Tarantino film, Mickey Blue Eyes features the beautiful Hugh Grant and the bizarre Jeanne Tripplehorn as fiancées who find trouble in her father's mob connections. If you think torture and murder are funny in a lighthearted sort of way, don't miss Mickey Blue Eyes. If you're one of those PC weenies who think sadistic violence is no laughing matter, then you probably won't want to stop off to see this film on your way to hugging the stranded whale trees that fight pollution and war. -- DiGiovanna
THE MUSE. Albert Brooks does a Streisand turn by writing, directing and starring in this mediocre movie. Sharon Stone plays a professional muse who Brooks hires to reinvigorate his screen writing career. Andie McDowell plays Brooks' wife, in keeping with the tradition that if you write, direct and star in a movie, you get to cast someone who's a lot prettier than you as your spouse. Lots of fun cameos by the likes of James Cameron, Martin Scorcese and Lorenzo Lamas fail to save this dreary comedy, though there are a good number of laughs in the first half-hour. After that, it's just Sharon Stone acting so annoying that you want to reach through the screen and smack her. -- DiGiovanna
MYSTERY MEN. Ben Stiller, Hank Azaria, Janeane Garofalo and Paul Reubens star as a band of makeshift superheroes out to rescue the great Captain Amazing (Greg Kinnear) from the clutches of the doughy Frankenstein Casanova (Geoffrey Rush) in this send-up of the comic-book movie. While it aims at that audience of notoriously virile media consumers who like anything featuring potent men in codpieces and women whose over-inflated breasts form the backing for their personal logo, sadly, it only succeeds intermittently at being funny. -- DiGiovanna
OUTSIDE PROVIDENCE. The Farrelly Brothers (with the help of director Michael Corrente) script their first "sensitive" film about a teenage stoner (Shawn Hatosy) wasting away in Rhode Island with his hardcase dad (well-played by Alec Baldwin) until he finds young love and a sense of purpose at a strict prep school. Before you start yawning, don't forget that these are the same filmmakers who put spooge in Cameron Diaz's hair (or at least they were the first ones to film it). The Farrellys cut this typical coming-of-age fodder with barf shots and vicious humor the way some punk bands will cannily dank up a slow ballad with rough vocals and seedy lyrics. Sure it's an easy, calculated ploy, but it keeps the story's sap from hardening. It's a rare movie that exploits a cute, wheelchair-ridden younger brother for cheap laughs instead of maudlin sympathy. Though it's not as hilarious as the Farrellys' previous efforts, it's still a funny, likable film. -- Petix
TEACHING MRS. TINGLE. Three students kidnap a diabolically mean teacher in a scheme to--oh, who cares. What should have been a sly, dark comedy by teen Scream king Kevin Williamson winds up a lax and lifeless effort, despite a few bright spots. Katie Holmes and Barry Watson are fun to look at as the teens, and Helen Mirren is chillingly evil as Mrs. Tingle. Unfortunately, they don't have enough to work with to save this from being a bit on the boring side. -- DiGiovanna
THE 13TH WARRIOR. In an odd take on the Beowulf legend, an Arab diplomat (Antonio Banderas) accompanies 12 Vikings as they assist a Nordic kingdom plagued by a horde of inhuman attackers. Though co-directors John McTiernan and Michael Crichton skillfully depict the sights and textures of medieval Europe, the movie is stultifyingly dull. Banderas doesn't help with his weak performance, which is endemic of his work since he adopted a lame, "macho" persona after leaving Spain for Hollywood (it's hard to believe that he's the same actor who was so engaging in all of those Pedro Almodovar films). -- Petix
THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR. Pierce Brosnan plays billionaire art thief Thomas Crown in this remake of the 1968 Faye Dunaway/Steve McQueen film about a wealthy man who decides to get wealthier by stealing an impressionist painting. Rene Russo plays the insurance company detective sent to investigate him. Apparently, her dictionary defines "investigate" as "get it on with." Beautifully photographed in the style of late-'60s American cinema, TCA works well as a romance, a thriller and a meditation on aging. An interesting note about the evolution of the art market is contained in the difference between this film and its earlier counterpart: in the McQueen version, the painting is worth $3 million; in the Brosnan version it's worth $100 million. To make up for the increased cost, the filmmakers insert an obnoxious amount of product placement, coming just short of re-titling the film The Thomas Crown Pepsi One Affair. -- DiGiovanna
UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN. This isn't even bad in a fun way -- it's just bad. Let's look at the rap sheet: a middle-aged, blue-haired "punk" hacker who spouts madcap lines like "That's gotta' hurt"; painfully loud gunfire made more excruciating by the generic techno-metal on the soundtrack; a completely gratuitous visit to a raunchy strip club; a minority sidekick/cypher who exists solely to sacrifice herself in a lame finale; and bald villains who crack macho one-liners after cracking people's skulls. Stay as far away from Universal Soldier as you can. -- Petix
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