ANAL RETENTIVE RANCH: In the rapidly metastasizing suburban paradise that is Continental Ranch, the all-powerful Board of Directors has spoken, decreeing residents can't keep any of those lovable pot-bellied pigs on their property. We don't know why--maybe it's hard to tell the pigs from the transplanted Californians. Anyway, the supreme rulers also have proclaimed none of those trashy People's Choice TV antennas will be going up in their tidy enclave, either.
These news flashes come from the Continental Ranch Community News & Happenings for October. In the same grim issue, we also learn what the development's ever-vigilant Covenants Committee has been up to in its self-proclaimed mission "to promote and maintain a congenial community."
They found a couple of poor schmucks in violation for parking cars in the wrong places, and assessed fines against five other homeowners for various landscaping and garbage violations.
All of which goes to show it's damn serious work being a white person in this day and age.
And we can't wait to read the next heavy-duty edition of CN&H, when we'll undoubtedly find out what the Board of Directors has decided to do about residents who dare abandon that bastion of middle-class respectability, the missionary position.
FIFE PHONICS: "I don't read any of the local papers. I get a briefing in the morning and then I read The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal every day." Who is this--your stockbroker who's served you so well recently? Hardly.
It's J. Fife Deadbeat III, the financially-challenged governor of our fine state.
Speaking on the John C. Scott show last week, the Fifester said he has very good people around him who give him all the news he needs. Perhaps it's just that the self-proclaimed "education governor" is not up on all his phonics, but may we suggest he not be quite so arrogant and consider reading a little bit of news about his own state in his home papers? After all, the only thing we saw in the Journal last week pertaining directly to Arizona was how the uniforms for the Colorado Rockies were chosen.
And if he's adamant about this deliberate ignorance thing, could he please cancel his subscriptions? No sense padding the budget just to catch all the bird cage splatter he keeps spewing.
SUCH A DRIP: Gov. J. Fife Deadbeat III is apparently unhappy with the outcome of Prop 200, which will force city government to recharge our CAP allotment. Appearing before a group of state water types last Tuesday, November 14, Fife announced they shouldn't lose sleep over Prop 200's passage.
The will of the voters to see the CAP allotment recharged is irrelevant to Fife, who said he was eagerly looking forward to the day we could once again directly deliver CAP water to Tucson homes.
If we're crazy enough to go forward with these recharge plans, Fife told the assembled water buffaloes, he might just have to work at renaming our fair city "Venice."
Yuck it up, deadbeat--we know we're getting plenty of laughs watching you twist on the stand in bankruptcy court.
MAMMY YOKUM, R.I.P.: Marana Town Council member and defrocked former mayor Ora Harn has changed her mind and will not run against incumbent Ed Moore for the GOP nomination for county supervisor in District 3. Sources tell us she was talked out of running by GOP First Vice-Chair Toni Hellon. We're also told Harn will support Amphi School Board member Vicki Cox Golder against Moore and Ann Holden. Hellon's arguments reportedly were based on the premise that Moore could win if opposed by three female candidates.
Others didn't see it that way. They saw three stooges for cementheads and builders--Moore, Cox Golder and Harn--versus a controlled-growth advocate, Holden.
All of which now means there's one less candidate for the development lobby to feed. Harn will remain on the Dogpatch Town Council until they get enough new voters to throw her out.
MORE POLITICAL SLEAZE: We've reported there are a stack of lawsuits filed against Pima County Supervisor "Special Ed" Moore over his unpaid 1992 campaign bills--one by Supervisor Paul Marsh aide Rod Cramer and another batch by Digitgraph Computer Services owner John Kaur.
Named as a co-defendant in Kaur's suits is the lady who was Special Ed's campaign chair in that election, Vicki Cox Golder, who is now one of his opponents. Kaur is including her in his legal action because it was her name on all those mailers that he printed and never got paid for.
And Cramer's lawsuit, filed by attorney Rueben Emanuel, has several "John Does" listed, so we surmise others may be thinking of her, too.
Wouldn't it be great if Vicki were forced to cough up for some of Ed's bills for the last election while she's running against him in this one?
TUCSON AND MARANA CUT A DEAL: By a vote of five to one, the Tucson City Council ratified a staff decision (do they ever turn one down?) to cut a deal with the Town of Marana over the lengthy lawsuit Tucson initiated regarding annexation of the Ina-Thornydale area, which cost city taxpayers $77,000. Tucson City Councilman Steve Leal was the one hold-out. Leal complained Tucson was rolling over for the development lobby. We suppose the cementheads like all that sales tax revenue going to Marana, where they own all the pols.
Oh, well. Under the agreement, Tucson gets to annex everything south of Orange Grove--assuming city bureaucrats can get property owners to go along. Meanwhile, Marana keeps all the shopping areas to the north. That means they won.
Key figure in cutting the deal was City of Tucson annexation czar John Jones, who, just coincidentally, was named regional man of the year by the home-building industry.
THIS DIAMOND THING DOESN'T SHINE ANYMORE: According to a certain GOP candidate who should know better than to blab to The Skinny, the results of a recent private survey conducted on Tucson's northwest side indicate that among those who've heard of him, legendary land speculator Don Diamond has an 81 percent negative rating. Compare that to former Governor Ev Mecham, who was only at 72 percent the day he was impeached.
Which is why the Big D will be asked to take a low profile in the next election, filtering campaign money to his chosen stooges through his many toadies. That will probably suit the Big D fine--now he'll have an excuse for not writing a check.
CLARIFICATIONS AND BACK-PEDALING: We recently reported that $500,000 in legal fees generated from the University of Arizona over the acquisition of the IBM "New Campus" site went to attorney and former Arizona regent Donald Pitt. We were incorrect--the half million went to the law firm of Miller and Pitt. Seems Mr. Pitt has not been an active partner in that firm since 1987. Although he still has an interest in the firm, he was not the direct recipient of the legal fees.
We also reported the screw-ups in the GOP mailing to city voters this past October and commented that the local GOP was better run under former chair Linda Barber. It was pointed out to us that Barber oversaw that ill-fated mailer. True, the ultimate responsibility was hers. She made an error in assuming the state GOP would be able to follow the explicit instructions she gave them in printing the mailing labels and in trusting in the competence of the state GOP's staff.
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