An Agenda For The Mentally Flabby. By Tom Danehy IN AN EFFORT to make the world a better place, I offer a few things for you to think about this week. If everyone would take some time to think about these things, the odds are that some might do so on Monday night. That means fewer people would watch Melrose Place, which in turn means the overall average American IQ would go up. This would cut down on the number of hackneyed (not to mention hack) right-wing politicians who bitch about declining American schools. Then, since they'd have one fewer thing to complain about, maybe fewer of them would get elected, which would make the world a better place. This is the political/philosophical version of Seven Steps From Kevin Bacon, which I don't have time to go into now, because I'd rather you think about this: • The Arizona State Sun Devils are just about guaranteed to go to the Rose Bowl. I, of course, hate them and their mothers. But I pray to the God of Football that the Sun Devils go undefeated for the next four games so they can come to Arizona Stadium with a nice, shiny 10-0 record. It's like this episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents I saw once. This woman helped send a man to prison, where he stewed and plotted his revenge. But when he got out, he found the woman destitute. So he helped her get on her feet and eventually helped make her rich and famous. Only then did he push her out of a skyscraper window. He had always wanted to kill her, but waiting until she had a lot to lose made it that much more satisfying for him. The Devils have already beaten both L.A. schools and Washington and they'd probably need to lose two games to get knocked out of the Rose Bowl. Of course, that wouldn't be bad either. I just hope they come to Tucson needing a win really badly, only to end up on the business end of a Wildcat ambush. The Arizona season is going nowhere at moderate speed (note the win-loss-win-loss-win-loss pattern), but a win over a highly ranked ASU team would certainly salvage part of it. If the Devils go to the Rose Bowl, it'll be their second trip in 11 years. But in all those years in between, they stank worse than a public-park bathroom in July. I had an argument with a friend the other day. He said he'd prefer his favorite team make two trips to the Rose Bowl in 11 years and suck the rest of the time, rather than rooting for a team like Arizona, which has had only one losing season in the last 15 years, but has never made it all the way to the top. • The Phoenix Cardinals don't completely suck this year. In fact, this team, which continues to misname itself the Arizona Cardinals, is only one game behind the world-champion Dallas Cowboys as the NFL season nears its midpoint. And with the winless New York Jets (another misnamed team, since they play in--and stink like--New Jersey) coming to Phoenix on Sunday, the Cardinals have a decent shot at climbing up to 4-4. Generally, the only time the Cards are ever at .500 is when they start the season at 0-0. This doesn't mean people are warming to them. Football fans all over the state still curse the fact the NFL forces them to watch Cardinal away games instead of much more interesting match-ups (which are defined as every other game being contested at that particular time). That's why the Beautify Arizona plan is working. Guys who used to watch football on Sundays are now turning on their sets, seeing the Cardinals, then switching it off in disgust and going out to clean their yards. The relative success on the field hasn't translated to success at the ticket window. Only 27,000 people witnessed the Cards' win over Tampa Bay. And half of those people were probably left over from the ASU-USC game the day before, having decided to spend the night rather than battle the drunken revelry and Demolition Derby traffic jam outside the stadium. • Peggy Springer. No reason, just Peggy Springer. • There's a rumor going around that Tupac Shakur is still alive. In fact, a young woman I know ran up to me in the supermarket the other day and said, "I've got good news! Tupac is alive!" I told her to remain calm while we waited for the nutwagon to arrive. Then I asked her if I could have her coupons, since she wouldn't be using them where she was going, what with their having sharp edges and all. She got all indignant, so I told her as loudly as I could (people who listen to rap music have hearing problems, otherwise they wouldn't listen to it), "He's DEAD! D-E-A-D. Or if he were spelling it, 'D-E-D.' Or maybe he'd put another 'D' at the end in honor of his homie Snoop." I never liked Tupac Shakur, but I certainly didn't wish him ill. He was young; maybe he could have become something good and productive. We'll never know. What we do know is that he lived and died the "thug life" he had tattooed on his abdomen. To make him into an icon or martyr just because he went out like a thug is repugnant. But to believe he faked his own death...well, that's just sorta pathetic. • There is a somewhat lighthearted movement trying to get the Nobel Prize Committee to give an award for advancements in math. That's not a bad idea, really, considering how important math is to the other areas recognized with Nobel Prizes. I've always wondered how they give one in economics and not one in math. For that matter, if they give one in economics, why not one in witchcraft? Or astrology? • Tom Beal of The Arizona Daily Star thinks Bob Dole is going to win Arizona, despite what the polls say. I'm not usually one to agree with Tom in matters not concerning swamp coolers, but I think he's right this time. I hope not, but I think so.

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