Tucson Weekly: Sweet Sixteen (October 22

Happy Birthday To The Greatest Daughter In Southern Arizona.
By Tom Danehy
HERE AT THE Weekly, we each have a specific job to do. After years of toiling, I've managed to carve out a niche where I get to cover sports, television and radio. Yes, in this intellectual endeavor, I've managed to corner the moron market. Oh, and how the others here do envy me!
What with Art Bell's mysterious departure from his late-night, all-kooks-all-the-time radio show, the UA basketball season only a month away, and the raging controversy over whether Ally McBeal's Calista Flockhart is anorexic or merely bulimic, you'd probably figure that my columnal plate would be full.
Danehy Well, you'd be right. But I want to take this opportunity to tell you that today is my daughter Darlene's 16th birthday. A couple friends suggested that I put this column off until after the upcoming election, but I checked and darned if today isn't the only day that she turns 16. Like, ever.
I know I've mentioned her (and my son, Alexander) a few times in the past. Okay, a lot of times. What, you might ask, gives me the pull to write about my kids?
The secret is the editor. Did you know that Mr. Long Dong, or whatever he's calling himself this week, has a law degree and used to work for the Star? Drawing on those life-draining experiences, he has adapted his own Nietzsche-ian personal philosophy of: That which does not bore me to death only serves to make me more mellow.
There's also the matter that his folks and my folks may have crossed paths back when they lived in someplace called Mason City, Iowa. That's not that hard, though. From what I know of Mason City, there's only one path. But just to make it sound better, the street sign says, "Path NW."
When I first started with The Weekly, we had an editor who had a then-teenaged daughter. He would complain from time to time about how the kid was committing relatively minor teenage screw-ups. I, as his friend, would ridicule him at every opportunity.
Then he would smile and say, "Yeah, wait 'til your daughter is a teenager. She'll do all that stuff and more."
So, I've been waiting 10 years to write this column.

Dear Howie:
Darlene is now 16. Despite your predictions, she has never smoked a cigarette, tasted alcohol, tried drugs, or skipped a day of school. And I'm willing to bet all I own that she never will.
She's No. 1 in her class academically while taking all Honors and AP courses. She lettered in four Varsity sports as a sophomore last year, and when she graduates in 2000, she'll be the most decorated athlete in the 60-year history of the school. Last year she went to Regionals in track and field, made all-conference in volleyball and softball, and despite being the only sophomore on the squad, was captain of the basketball team.
She plays the flute in the school band, is in Student Council, the National Honor Society, and MESA (some engineering thing).
Oh yeah, she's the second youngest in her entire class of 500. We used to think she was the youngest, but then we found out there was somebody younger, some kid from India or Pakistan or one of those countries which shouldn't have nuclear weapons.
Lest I forget, she's still a Girl Scout and, after having been the first girl to do so at our church, she's in her sixth year of serving Mass on Sundays. And in her spare time, she volunteers as a tutor, helps clean up the local park, and organizes canned-food drives for the needy.
So Howard, with all due respect, I told you so and you can bite me.
Your friend, Tom

Now, in all fairness, Darlene isn't perfect. I've dubbed her room "Dresden 1945." I told her that if somebody dropped a bomb on that place, it would do $300 worth of improvements. She drinks too much soda pop and doesn't get enough sleep. That's about it.
Sadly, I know there will be people whose first reaction will be, "How do you know she doesn't do any of those negative things?"
All I can say is that if she were your daughter, you'd know, too. My wife and I have taught both of our kids that the easiest thing in the world is to keep on not doing something you've never done. Why bother starting? You know it's bad, you know people who do it are stupid, you know it's nothing but a waste of time, energy and talent. Why be ignorant?
I've had some people accuse me of pushing her too hard. All I can do is shrug and say that in all honesty, I'm not pushing; she's pulling. I'm just along for the ride.
Here's one final anecdote which should send you screaming for the exits. My wife and I told Darlene that we'd buy her a new car when she turned 16. When we mentioned that a few weeks ago, Darlene shrugged and said, "I don't want a car right now. I like riding around with Dad. We get to talk and do homework and stuff."
Yeah, uh-huh!
For her birthday today, she'll arrive at school an hour-and-a-half before class starts to participate in early Open Gym for basketball. She'll then do her full load of AP classes. After school, she'll attend a club meeting and then make banners for the night's game. Then she'll play the season's final home volleyball game against Tucson High, after which she'll go home, watch ER, and do her homework. We've penciled in a birthday celebration for sometime in November.
She'll be on display tonight at 6:30 p.m. Thursday, October 22, in the Amphi High East Gym. For a small fee, you can walk up and pinch her forearm to prove she's really human (or a wonderful facsimile thereof).
She'll donate the proceeds to charity.

Home | Currents | City Week | Music | Review | Books | Cinema | Back Page | Archives