Like Any True Male, This Dude Knows It All!
By Tom Danehy
THE ANSWER DUDE is being deluged with questions, so let's get right to them:
Dear Answer Dude: After absorbing that whuppin' at the hands of UCLA, is the UA football season over?
Dude: No, they still have seven games left. I checked.
Q: What's the most surprising thing about the way this season is shaping up?
A: Some of the pre-season magazines were really down on the UA. A couple said the Cats might even go 3-8 this year. The amazing thing now is trying to figure out who they can beat to get up to that magical three-win plateau.
This week's opponent, San Diego State, appears to be better than its 1-3 record, while oddly, Arizona, also at 1-3, seems to be just about right. Then come home games with Top 20 teams Stanford and Washington, and a trip to Pac-10 leader Washington State.
The Cats might be able to sneak in a win or two against Cal and Oregon State, although the suddenly respectable Beavers gave ASU all it could handle last week before losing, 13-10. Then comes the season-ending trip to Tempe. This could be one seriously dismal year.
Q: What about ASU? They started strong, but now are struggling.
A: The Dude's homie, Todd Judge, told him before the season started that ASU would go 9-2 and shock the world. When the laughter died down, The Dude said, "Dude, like...Dude, y'know, Dude!" Which means, "Are you nuts?! The Sun Devils had the season of a lifetime last year and had to pull three miracle finishes to do that."
'Course, when ASU beat Miami in the Orange Bowl in the second game of this year, I got nervous. Now it turns out that everybody beats Miami in the Orange Bowl. It's like, whose turn is it next?
The Devils then came crashing to earth when they got beat by the BYU Raging White People. Actually, there are a couple of black people on the team, but only so they could have running backs who can do the 40-yard dash in less than five seconds.
Oh yeah, another friend told me this great story about a run-in he had with an obnoxious BYU fan at an ASU game a few years ago. It was scandalously funny, but I promised I wouldn't tell the story. Just think polygamy and then take a sharp turn down Sick Street.
ASU looks like a middle-of-the-pack team at best. But boy, wouldn't the Cats love to be that good?
Q: Are you one of those after Dick Tomey's scalp?
A: Hey, I've got scalp problems of my own, thank you very much. I like Dick Tomey. I think he's a nice man and I think he's a good football coach. This is shaping up to be a tough season, but it happens to the best of them. Just look at God-like Notre Dame. They're 1-3, also, and they haven't exactly played a killer schedule. They've lost to a Michigan team that isn't as good as it thinks, a Michigan State team that's not as bad as usual, and a surprising Purdue team. At best, those teams will finish 4-5-6 in the Big 10.
And I don't know which is better: Watching Notre Dame choke in a big game or watching them lose all of their games.
Back to the UA, I don't know what's going to happen. It's a sure thing that Tomey will be gone if this goes on another season. It would be a shame, too. I think he has the ability to pull the Cats out of the slide, but the clock is ticking and not everyone is as patient and forgiving as The Dude.
I heard that after Arizona's shocking season-opening loss at Oregon, Burt Kinerk and some other Wildcat booster biggies cornered UA Athletic Director Jim Livengood and, as they saying goes, used their masticular capacity to construct him a new rectal orifice.
Oh yeah, and who's the genius who decided Arizona would open on the road five years in a row? If we have to live through that heat from April through September, the least we could do is share it with a visiting team around Labor Day. There's nothing more fun than watching Pacific Northwest teams wilt in the heat as the Cats roar by in the second half. Whoever decided to pass up that home-field advantage opportunity should be ashamed.
Q: What's the surprise in the preseason basketball magazines?
A: Nobody is picking the Cats to win it all, even though they return virtually the entire team from last year's championship squad. Too weird. Athlon Sports magazine has the Cats finishing second in the nation, but only third in the Pac-10. How does that work, design-wise?
Actually, it's not that big a surprise, seeing as how the Cats finished fifth in the Pac-10 last season. Still, it has a certain Rodney Dangerfield quality to it.
Another good thing is that the Respect Shuttle has stopped to pick up the UA women's basketball team. Coach Joan Bonvicini's team is ranked 18th in the country in the Athlon preseason magazine, and is poised to make a run at the top of the Pac-10. It's taken a while, but it looks like the Cat women have muscled their way into the national picture and aren't about to go away.
Q: What's the best thing about the new TV season?
A: Oh man, they have this killer new commercial for SnackWell something-or-others. But in the background they have Dusty Springfield singing "The Look of Love." Sexiest voice of all time.
That's why there was a Sexual Revolution--because Baby Boomers were going through puberty when Dusty Springfield was singing. (Second sexiest: Suzanne Pleshette saying, "Good night, Bob," on the old Bob Newhart Show.)
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