he Latest Stats From The Criminal Underworld Of American Sports.B
By Tom Danehy
HERE'S THE LATEST from the police blotter:
DEFENDANT: Philadelphia 76ers guard Allen Iverson.
BEST KNOWN AS: The worst pick as Rookie of the Year in NBA history (and that includes Geoff Petrie in 1970).
CHARGED WITH: Drugs, weapons, being in a car going 93 mph, having a posse.
OTHER OFFENSES: Carrying the ball when he does that crossover dribble; going to Georgetown; wearing a shower cap in public.
DEFENSE: Not once in his entire sorry career.
PRIOR OFFENSES: Started a riot at a bowling alley. (Do you realize how hard it would be to start a riot at a bowling alley? Well, I guess you could announce that they're out of French fries.)
SHOULD GET: Big fine, suspension from the league; some jail time, community service.
WILL GET: Huge free-agent contract from the Dallas Mavericks (who won't win, either).
DEFENDANT: Sportscaster Marv Albert.
BEST KNOWN AS: Pathetic suck-up to the Chicago Bulls on national NBA telecasts.
CHARGED WITH: Forcible sodomy, assault, biting his victim.
OTHER OFFENSES: Wearing the same wig that Howard Cosell had on when Cosell was ringside at the Thrilla in Manila in 1975; thinking that Patrick Ewing is a Hall of Famer.
DEFENSE: "I talked her into performing that act on me with my famous basso profundo voice. She even said I could bite her all over her back if I threw in a, 'Starks for three...YES!!!' "
SHOULD GET: If guilty, the damn book thrown at him; if innocent, a smoother love technique to go along with his Barry White-like voice.
WILL GET: If acquitted, a new toupee; if guilty, real friendly with a guy named Turk.
DEFENDANT: New York Yankee Mark Whiten.
BEST KNOW AS: The 24th-best player on the Yankees' 25-man roster (as long as Hideki Irabu is around, Whiten avoids the collar).
CHARGED WITH: Rape or sexual assault, depending on the whim of the Milwaukee prosecutor.
MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES: Whiten was on leave from the Yankees to be with his wife as she gave birth to their child. Apparently he either raped or had consensual sex with this other woman within a matter of hours after watching his new baby come into the world. He may be the 24th-best player, but he's definitely the No. 1 asshole on the Yankees (and that's saying something).
DEFENSE: "It wasn't rape; that woman wanted to congratulate me on being a new father."
QUESTION THE PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SHOULD ASK: "Did you at least wait for the afterbirth to emerge before you went off to do something to or with that other woman?"
SHOULD GET: Oh, I don't know...a zipper? A sexually transmitted disease? Castrated?
WILL GET: Another chance from a wife who's waaaay too good for him.
DEFENDANT: Dallas Cowboys Coach Barry Switzer.
BEST KNOWN FOR: Running the most corrupt college football program in the history of the NCAA. His Oklahoma Sooners set records for yards gained, points scored, classes skipped, illegal money taken, and rapes committed in an on-campus jock dorm. The old joke went:
Q. What do they call organized crime in Oklahoma?
A. Football practice.
CHARGED WITH: Attempting to carry a loaded gun onto an airplane.
DEFENSE: "I forgot."
PRIOR OFFENSES: Do you have all day? There have been lots of brushes with the law, but his worst offense has to be when ran a play on 4th-and-1 inside his own 30-yard-line.
PUBLIC SENTIMENT: Let the guy go. He had a good reason. See, ever since the Reign of Terror at OU, he's been wanting to see if he could do the same (cliché of the year) at the next level. Sure enough, the Dallas Cowboys made his Sooners look like (and you'll pardon the expression) amateurs. Having achieved that, he needs the gun to protect him from his coked-out, oversexed players.
SHOULD GET: A $75,000 fine and forced to coach the Dallas Cowboys for another year.
WILL GET: Endorsement deals from the NRA, the IRA, the PLO, and Hammas.
SPECIAL NOTE: To my favorite columnist, Jeff Smith. I've always found your gun-nuttiness mildly charming and somewhat terrifying. I loved your "demonization of inanimate objects" line, but you're not really suggesting that people should be allowed to board planes carrying loaded weapons, are you?
DEFENDANT: Baltimore Ravens running back "Bam" Morris.
BEST KNOWN FOR: Having the world by the scrotum after starring in the Super Bowl for the Pittsburgh Steelers, then throwing it all away so he could put some dust up his nostrils.
CHARGED WITH: Violating the NFL's drug policy by testing positive for a drug (reportedly alcohol) in a random drug test, which is mandatory for anyone who's been busted for doing illegal drugs.
DEFENSE: "What's wrong with a drink or two for someone who's so drug-addled that he allows himself to be called 'Bam?'"
PRIOR OFFENSES: Using illegal drugs, transporting illegal drugs, losing to the Cowboys in the Super Bowl.
SHOULD GET: A clue.
Home | Currents | City Week | Music | Review | Books | Cinema | Back Page | Archives
| © 1995-97 Tucson Weekly . Info Booth