Just Trying To Help

Our Boy Does What He Can To Save The Stupid From Themselves.

By Tom Danehy

MUST I DO everything myself?!

Do you realize how hard it is to read every newspaper and magazine in the house each day and then go watch your kids play games all afternoon and night? It's like Joe Walsh said: "They say I'm lazy, but it takes all my time."

And now I have to fix the self-inflicted messes of the various professional leagues. So listen up, you overpriced slugs. I'm only going to tell you this once.

NBA: You probably deserved the trouble you're in. When the Latrell Sprewell mess went to arbitration, you never should have agreed to let some whiny economics professor do the arbitrating.

Danehy The dude was obviously afraid of black people. Plus, he had those neo-liberal leanings that are guaranteed to lead to nonsense. His decision in the case was basically, "Yeah, he choked his coach. Yeah, he tried to kill him. But gee whiz, he grew up in Alabama where somebody probably called him the 'N' word once when he was a kid, so he has the right to strangle any white devil he chooses."

Y'all shoulda challenged the decision when it was made. If trying to kill your immediate supervisor isn't grounds for (at the very least!) dismissal from the job, then nothing is. But you let the moron arbitrator get away with the insanity of his decision just so--what? So he could feel like he was down with the bruthas? And then all you did was try to put a happy face on the decision by saying, "Well, at least we were allowed to suspend the attempted murderer for part of the season."

Even then, you probably thought the worst was over. But even after allowing ignorant, greedy low-lifes to wander unchallenged through your league for the past 10 years, you still don't realize how low they can go. You're soon about to.

Apparently, Sprewell feels that he didn't deserve to be punished for trying to kill coachey. He has now filed a lawsuit against the NBA for having suspended him at all. He wants back pay and damages. He doesn't even think he deserved any punishment. Not even five minutes in the penalty box.

This action is so mindless that even Sprewell's agent, Arn Tellum, is distancing himself from it. And Tellum is such a sleazebag, he'd pick his nose and wipe the booger on the Pope's robes for a buck.

Now, Commissioner Stern, I realize you've got stuff to worry about, what with the upcoming work stoppage and all. But you've got to deal with this right now and you have to do it right.

So just stay with me here. First, you get Sprewell's lawyers in a room and show them big pictures of the backs of ambulances, so they'll know what they're supposed to be out chasing.

Then you talk to Sprewell and tell him that if he doesn't drop the lawsuit and apologize to the league, he'll never play in the NBA again. Then just watch the lawyers ooze out of the sewers like the Demons From Hell in Ghost.

But here's how you handle this. You take up a collection from all of the owners in the league to pay for Sprewell's contract. You pay off the entire contract, including the back pay he's asking for, and then no one signs him. Ever. This is not collusion. This is honoring a contract as per the arbitrator's instructions.

He wants to go to Europe? Take his sorry ass on. He just never plays another NBA game as long as he lives. He gets his money, he gets his freedom, he gets his (ahem) respect. What he doesn't get is another chance to embarrass his team, the league, or the sport.

The Players' Union wants nothing to do with him. They spoke up a little at first, but then quickly realized that not even the outspoken Charles Barkley had anything positive to say in Sprewell's behalf. All the Union is concerned about now is that the teams won't be allowed to break contracts unilaterally.

If the league says that it will honor all contracts, but won't put up with offending players, that should send a great message and take the wind out of the Union's gripes.

They want to keep fighting? Fine. Close the league down. Shut it down tight. Go to the public and say very clearly, "Hey, we want to run a great league. It used to be the greatest in the world, but now we're losing control because of greed, selfishness and stupidity. So we're going to scrap this mess and start over.

"We want to run a league populated by great athletes and good people. We're going to insist on both. There are millions of great athletes out there; not all are good people.

"Some of the players might not want to go along with the new plan. They're welcome to move over to the fledgling Thug Basketball Association. As for the new NBA, we're going to set our standards high and we're going to stick with them. We're hoping that you, the basketball-loving public, will go along with us."

If the public doesn't go along, then screw 'em. They deserve the thugs. I'm betting they'd go along most enthusiastically. I know I would.

Now, on to the other leagues.

NHL: Try to get this season over before the next one starts. I know you took a month off so the Americans could humiliate themselves in the Olympics, but enough, already. It's June, for crying out loud, and you haven't even started the Finals. Get it over with so all those guys whose names end with "ov" can go home and give their native economies a boost.

MAJOR-LEAGUE BASEBALL: Make all Big Leaguers pass a test on the history of the game which is making them all rich. Explain to them that being hit by a pitch is not a good reason to start World War III. Players: Pull that Spandex waistband out forward and peek down inside. If there is anything there at all, try to act accordingly.

Your teammate got hit by a pitch. No one threw at his head. Stay your sorry butt in the dugout and eat your seeds.

Now run along and quit bothering me. Scientific American came in the mail today and I can't find the machete I usually use to hack my way through it. TW

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