DEGENDERIZING: When I'm not practicing random acts of writing and senseless acts of eating, I amuse myself by reflecting on the differences between men and women--not the brain or physical stuff, I already know who can run, think and bear children better. I'm talking about who gets what and why.
Take the Oscars this year--please. I saw men and more men, walking stiffly to the podium to accept the long, hard, bald-headed statues from the warm hands of a hostess who stood by smiling, waiting to lead them astray, I mean off-stage. Speechwise, they thanked their wives and children for putting up with them while they gumped their way to stardom. Hi Buffy, Hi Randy, Hi Martha, I miss you, they crooned.
As I looked over the printed list of major categories the next day, my suspicions were confirmed. Only in the Best and Supporting Actress and Documentary Feature (Maya Lin) categories did women stand alone. And rumor has it Maya Lin's creator was an academy insider. Even more male film stars died this year than female. Amazing.
Then there's the new sterilization technique that features squirting a Super Glue-like substance into the waiting ovaries of women. Now I love Super Glue. I use it in lieu of sewing. But as much as I'm into birth control, would someone mind looking into some new devices for men? If the birth control dudes want to inject someone with a bit of glue, it might be a whole lot easier to do it in an organ obvious from the outside. Plug the thing up and be done with it.
Clothes have also worn thin on me. For years my friends and I have complained at length and width that men's jeans, socks, shirts and underwear are less expensive than ours. And the butts are bigger in men's pants besides. My fashion industry sister yawns, "So what's new?" Nothing's new, we're just sick to death of it. Have you seen the prices on women's bathing suits this year? What are they made out of, vintage polyester from 1976? Pass the boxers.
Recently I went to get a new pair of sneakers, because my female version of a top brand lasted about as long as a bar of chocolate does in my house (surely you read about the mountains of chocolate women eat). This time around I decided to try on men's shoes, which occurred to me when I started hearing women with big feet asking for men's sizes. Sure enough, the men's sneakers were better built, and they didn't come with that stupid pale pink or aqua trim . Has anyone in the shoe industry noticed we've been wearing basically black for the last five years? The female clerk applauded my male shoe choice saying all the women at the store wear men's athletic shoes because they're better in every way.
And let me tell you, until you've walked a mile in men's shoes, you'll never know how good it feels.
See you on the uphill foot path, warriors.
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