April 13 - April 19, 1995


Mr. Answer Pants

By Tom Danehy

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS sending in their questions to Mr. Answer Pants.... Q: When do you think the Arizona Wildcats will get back to the Final Four? A: What are you talking about? They made it this year. Oh...the Final Four?! I thought you said the Final Sixty-Four.

Q: What do you think of the fact that UCLA forward Ed O'Bannon revealed he lives in an off-campus apartment with his 11-month-old son and the boy's mother because he wants "to be a positive role model."

A: We think Ed doesn't know the meaning of the word "shame." Of course, after listening to him talk during the Final Four, it's apparent there are lots and lots of words to which Ed does not know the meaning.

Q: Which do you think will last longer, Mike Tyson's conversion to Islam or the probation period of his sentence?

A: Now, now, let's not be cynical. Mike deserves our support and understanding. After all, here's a guy who just spent three years in the slammer, contemplating his life, and when he gets out, he still hires Don King. As Dad used to say, the poor guy doesn't have the sense to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the bottom.

Q: Who's the best-looking woman on network TV?

A: I'll have you know that Mr. Answer Pants doesn't get into such trivial and demeaning things. However, some of his friends do, and they held a spirited debate the other day at the gym.

Curly, who is the producer for the top-rated morning drive-time radio show in Tucson (Bobby Rich on KKLD-FM), likes Teri Hatcher, who plays Lois Lane on Lois and Clark. E-Dog likes Courteney Cox on Friends and Pete prefers Helen Hunt of Mad About You.

I'm proud to report that despite the relative porcine nature of these guys, there wasn't one vote for Tupperware queen Pamela Anderson of Baywatch or Heather Locklear of whatever the hell show she's on.

Still, they were all wrong. It's quite clear that the best-looking woman on TV is Delta Burke, extra pounds and all.

Q: What do you think of the court decision claiming that Brown University is not in compliance with Title IX because more men play sports than women?

A: Not much, frankly. I've been a strong supporter of Title IX for more than 20 years, and I want my daughter to have just as much opportunity to play sports as my son.

However, I also have common sense, which tells me more men than women will play college sports because of the income-generating football program. It's insane (and suicidal) to ask that all revenues and scholarships be divided equally, when, at most schools, football supports itself and most of the other sports, men and women.

Some athletic director somewhere is going to get so tired of it all that he (or she) will decide to live by the letter of Title IX and set up a women's football program at the school. This will either bleed the athletic department dry (creating a huge uproar) or force the women's programs to live off the income from their sports and the men from theirs. Either way, the folly will be exposed.

All over the country, women's sports teams are coming into their own, generating income and developing a fan base where just 10 years ago none existed. Just look at softball at Arizona or basketball at Connecticut. This is the way it should be.

To try to force some utopian quota system could well prove fatal to entire athletic departments and all the men and women they benefit.

Q: Whew! Are you always this serious?

A: Yes. Except in church.

Q: Who do you like in the NBA?

A: Well, Sean Elliott has always been nice to me and Steve Kerr is cool, but Khalid Reeves is sorta standoffish...oh, you mean teams.

Until Danny Manning went out for the season with a blown knee, I honestly thought this was the year for the Suns. Now that the entire pack has caught up with Phoenix, I have no idea. And with Michael Jordan back in the East, this should be one of the most exciting, unpredictable NBA playoff tournaments ever.

Just another nail in baseball's coffin.

Q: What do think of "Neon" Deion Sanders' new album?

A: Look, I hate that arrogant asshole so much, I refuse to even accept him as a good football player. So when it comes to music, let's put it this way: I'd rather listen to Yoko Ono sing "Those Were The Days" a capella.

Does that answer your question?

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April 13 - April 19, 1995

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