Pointless Palavering From The Prince Of Perception. By Tom Danehy FOR EVERY QUESTION, there's an answer. (Except for the one about why Touched By An Angel is so popular.) Q. Dr. Answerdude, now that you've had a couple weeks to ponder things, what do you think of the Wildcats' stunning loss to Utah? A. Hey, it happens. That's why the tournament is so cool. When I saw Miles Simon after the loss, it reminded me of something gun-toting crackhead comedian Martin Lawrence says on his comedy album. See, he's giving his friend a ride home after the friend just took a serious whuppin' in a boxing match. Martin worries about what he should say, then finally ends up blurting, "Did he hit you as hard as it looked?! 'Cause from where I was sittin'...." It was weird down at the gym the next day. Almost all of the real ballplayers just smiled and gave a "been there, had that done to me" shrug. Everybody who's played a lot of ball has been in a game where nothing goes right. You feel like you're running in quicksand, your shot's not falling, the other team can't miss. You keep telling yourself dumb stuff like, "Okay, now let's go!" But you just never do. It's like being in a nightmare you can't wake up from. I'm sure it's not the first time Simon, Bibby and the rest have had something like that happen to them. It's just that the odds were pretty long against it happening to that entire team in a national spotlight game. Q. Some say it's karma from the UA's improbable title run last year. A. Please be sure to phrase things in the form of a question. As for the notion of karma, that's nonsense. Last year the Cats beat three No. 1 seeds, but all three teams played well in those games. North Carolina played okay, Kansas played well, and Kentucky played great. Besides, there's no such thing as karma. If there were, Fife Symington wouldn't be out on bail. Q. Could those ESPN promos for the women's NCAA Tournament with Sandra Bernhard possibly be any worse? A. Yes. She could be naked. Q. Did you watch the Oscars? A. Parts of it. I can only stay awake for two or three days straight, then I need a nap. Q. What did you think of Titanic winning everything? A. Well, it didn't win everything. Three other awards went to other people from other movies. The self-proclaimed King of the World didn't want to be greedy. I liked that movie. I think it's a stunning achievement. I bought into the love story, I was able to thumb my nose at the haughty rich people, and the last hour with the ship going down was spectacular. Having said that, let me add that I thought L.A. Confidential was a much better movie. It should have won, even with its clunky ending. If you haven't seen it, go see it. Or rent it when it comes out. You'll be thrilled at how well a mature movie can be made. And then you'll have a few more questions, like why none of the actors from L.A. were nominated. Kevin Spacey and James Cromwell both deserved Supporting Actor nods. Now I have a question for you: What if Titanic had bombed? It's entirely possible that it could have. What if it had been ready for release in July and had been swamped by Men In Black? Or if the love story just hadn't caught on the way it did? Or, perhaps most importantly, if it hadn't made enough money to put a down payment on Yemen? It would have been the exact same movie, but would it have won the Oscars it did? The answer is: Of course not. Hollywood loves patting itself on the back, and such a huge success requires some serious patting. Still, Titanic beating L.A. Confidential isn't nearly as bad as the injustice of last year, when Fargo lost to The English Patient. Now, that truly sucked. Q. Do you know if Mike Bibby is going to leave the UA early and go to the NBA? A. Yes. I know. I'm not going to say, however, because he's already made up his mind for certain and then changed it at least once. Let me just say that the smart thing for him to do would be to come back for another year with the Wildcats and avoid all the trouble which is going to hit the NBA hard this summer and fall. That would be the smart thing; now you take it from there. Q. Have you read the new ESPN magazine? A. Yeah, I picked one up. It weighed eight pounds, of which 7.999 pounds of it were ads. It's like Spin to Sports Illustrated's Rolling Stone. Quicker, hipper, faster. (Which means articles which are not as long, not as intelligent, and not as good.) Lots of pretty pictures, though. Q. What do you think of this year's baseball season? A. I'm still trying to find a way to make them go on strike again. That way, SportsCenter will always be on at the right time. Q. What's your favorite part of The Weekly? A. I love the Mailbag section; it's so informative. Why, just a couple weeks ago, I learned that because The Weekly is an alternative newspaper, its writers are expected to support illegal drug use. Plus I learned a new definition. Someone who chooses to live his life without breaking the law and wasting his time with mind-altering substances is a "puritan." All this time I thought they were those people with funny hats. Q. What do you think of all those articles about UA players fathering children? A. I would suggest that it might be better for young people to fall in love and get married before they start having children, but then that crackhead letter writer would have to search for a word stronger than "puritan." And with the limited number of brain cells he's got left.... Q. Who's going to win the NCAAs next year? A. The UA, of course. Even if Bibby leaves, John Ash will be back off his redshirt year. And Ash's high-school team beat Bibby's. And you know what that means. (Neither do I.)

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