We're all just prisoners here--and there's no free ice. By Emil Franzi IMAGINE YOU'VE JUST checked into a spacious resort with stunning views, gourmet cuisine and all the amenities. You're there to relax your body and rejuvenate your mind. But suppose our local governmental entities were managing the hotel--we're guessing you'd find a series of odd messages on voicemail... First Message: Hi, this is the front desk. Listen, you're going to have to move your car. That part of the parking lot is being converted into our new spa. Parking up by your room will be limited, so you may have go to the other end of the lot. Oh, and since there's now less parking we'll have to add another $10 a day to your bill. Sorry for the inconvenience. Second Message: Hi, this is the front desk again. We got your call about the ice machines being out. Sorry, but we've got a big convention and a lot of people brought their kids, so we're short on ice. We can deliver from room service for $4 a bag. Oh, after tonight there'll be meters on the ice machines that only accept a room key--for a buck-a-bucket charge. Third Message: Hi, listen we got your complaint about the room service. Two hours isn't bad when you figure how many people are staying here--I mean we are booked up, okay, with more coming. And we know all the toast was white--hey, we ran out of whole wheat and rye and muffins. And please note that we reserve the right to change our prices without notice, so the extra three bucks a plate for the eggs is perfectly legit! You're here on AMEX, so you won't hit a limit. Fourth Message: You people are starting to bug us. No, we don't change the linen every day. We quit doing that when these big conventions hit us. We don't have enough maids. Soon as we get some aboard we'll go back to daily service, but it'll cost you an extra $6 a night. Got it? Fifth Message: All you people do is bitch-bitch-bitch. Yeah, we just reduced the cable TV options--so what? You still get more channels than a Motel 6. What'd you want? Sixth Message: Yeah, we got the report about your stolen car. The cops are swamped. Hey, they'll get to it. Next time pay the extra $10 a day and park where the lights are brighter. Seventh Message: Okay, we should've told you we closed off one of the rooms in your suite and rented it to somebody else. But we're busy--I mean, we got tons of new people checking in. Who's got time to keep track of guests who are already here? And no, they didn't see your camera. Message Eight: Hi, I'm Marge, the customer service rep. Gary, our manager, no longer wishes to talk to you. He thinks you're pushy and expect too much. I can't say myself--I haven't dealt with you yet--but we won't be able to adjust anything on your bill. We're not responsible for the car or the camera or the gunshots in the parking lot. And I'm sorry--we no longer run a free shuttle to the airport for outgoing guests, just incoming. If you'd like to reserve our airport shuttle, that'll be $14 per passenger plus $2 per bag or large object. We hope you enjoyed your stay, but we really don't care. The weather here is so bitchin' we figure that's all we need.

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