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 If It Disappeared From The Face Of The Earth Tonight, Would Anyone Miss Parsley? By Tom Danehy I'VE BEEN GETTING grief over my column lately, so I thought I'd try some new stuff. This week I'll do it in the classic style of the one and only Larry King of USA Today. (I was going to try to copy The Weekly's flagship columnist, Jeff Smith, but then I realized I hate guns and don't have anything against Jews, so it would be a doomed enterprise.) Anyway, as Larry King would say, here we go:
The only good thing about the NBA season finally getting underway is that the playoffs might drag into July, meaning that we only have to go a few weeks between the end of basketball and the start of football...Dreyer's chocolate ice cream has to be God's favorite flavor...I have never bought anything featured on an infomercial...Rush Limbaugh drones on and on about Bill Clinton's immorality, but has Rush ever stopped to consider that millions of people consider divorce to be immoral? [Tom's Note: I said I'd write it in King's style. No way would King ever actually say that. King and Limbaugh have something like 10 divorces between them.] Have you ever said the word "succinct" out loud?...Bravo cable network is showing reruns of the old Max Headroom TV series, the ultimate example of a show that was not only way ahead of its time, but was too good for television...What do you bet that when I finally update my music collection by buying everything over again on CD, they'll come up with a new format?...Is anyone surprised that Marana changed the name of "Price Club Drive" to "Costco Drive?"...Remember when athletic shoes used to be called "tennies?" Is there a better sensation on this earth (not involving food and/or sex) than coming home from swimming, lying down on your side, and then suddenly having warm water drain from your ear?...New weird food craze among Amphi High athletes: pizza dipped in ranch dressing. You explain it; I can't. Has Gene Hackman ever made a bad movie? (Okay, there was that one with Dan Aykroyd as a nut-case cop partner, but other than that)...Am I the only one who finds it impossible to sit in a movie theater without munching on popcorn?...On the bad advice of a former school board member, All-State basketballer LaShonda Flowers left Cholla High to spend her senior year at crosstown Sahuaro. Now, because of the transfer, Flowers is unable to play for Sahuaro, and her former Cholla team is enjoying its best season since the 1988 state Final Four squad. There must be a lesson in there somewhere. I don't know what to make of the fact that multi-millionaire, hard-core rap impresario Master P is toiling for a grand a week in the Continental Basketball Association...Sandra Bullock doesn't match anyone's description of a classic beauty, but she never fails to hold our attention when she's on the big screen...Do you know a woman who owns an apron? Tragic news from The Happiest Place On Earth, where a customer was killed Christmas Eve when a rope cleat on a ride broke and struck three people. We all have to die, but how would you like your tombstone to read "Died on a Ride at Disneyland?"...If it disappeared from the face of the Earth tonight, would anyone miss parsley?...Would El Pato hot Mexican tomato salsa sell as well if it were marketed under its English name, The Duck?...According to a guest on Oprah, the proper amount to tip a pizza delivery person is one dollar...For all you parents scratching your heads over the success of Adam Sandler, think back 20 years and ask yourself if you used to quote Steve Martin albums and/or go to Cheech and Chong movies. It was a brilliant move by the University of Arizona athletic department people to market those slick commercials during the bowl season urging people to buy their season tickets for next year right now...Sweaters should be folded, not hung...You can have skin-and-bones blondes Gwyneth Paltrow, Cameron Diaz and Anne Heche; I'll take Jennifer Lopez. Remember when the release of a Stevie Wonder album was a Newsweek cover-worthy event?...The most outrageous letter to the editor of all of last year was in The Arizona Daily Star sports section from a Mesa woman who claimed that the Star didn't "provide enough coverage of Salpointe athletics." Did you know that stunning Catherine Zeta-Jones of The Mask of Zorro was dating Mick Hucknall of Simply Red? See guys, there's hope, after all. It doesn't matter what you look like; all you have to do to get a pretty woman is be the greatest white soul singer in the world...Which came first: Men losing their manners or some women getting angry because men had manners?...I will buy every album Van Morrison ever makes. In the futuristic movie Demolition Man, Taco Bell had won the fast-food wars and gained a monopoly in the field. Judging by lines at every Taco Bell I see, we could be headed in that direction... Please tell me that Dan Quayle isn't going to run for President... Do you think we'll ever have another huge rock concert in Tucson? Santana at the County Fairgrounds doesn't count.
Does anyone still smoke marijuana? And, if so, why?...If the
House managers call Clinton to testify in the impeachment trial,
do you think they'll ask, "Boxers or briefs?"...That's
it for my Larry King...Next week: Martha Stewart.
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The naming of Out of Sight as Best Picture of 1998 by
the National Association of Film Critics must have come as something
of a shock to those who thought Saving Private Ryan would
sweep all of the awards...Have you ever seen a man wearing a fez?...The
short-lived series Elvis may have been one of the best
things ever to appear on the small screen. Kudos to Ted Turner
for trotting it out on his TNT network every January and August
to commemorate the King's birth and death anniversaries.
