Unanswered Questions

Please, Will Somebody Give Us A Clue?
By Tom Danehy

AS WE HEAD into 1997, there are several questions left unanswered from last year. We need answers NOW!

1. Why were the people at Grambling State University in Louisiana trying to fire legendary coach Eddie Robinson?

Danehy The man is the all-time winningest coach in college football history. He's had two losing seasons in 50 years! His tiny school is a breeding ground for future NFL greats.

It's unbelievable that they (the school's administration, regents, and certain alumni) would want him to leave under anything but his own terms. They should be ashamed of themselves that even the rumor that his job was in danger got out.

Besides, how do you expect to get good people if you threaten their job security every 54 years?

2. When is stupid-ass Bob Dornan going to just shut up and accept defeat?

As you may know, the 10-time congressman from conservative Orange County got dragged in his reelection bid by relative newcomer Loretta Sanchez. Dornan, who went by the nickname "B-1 Bob" (which apparently referred to the highest grade he ever got in school, coupled with his IQ), tried to run for the Republican nomination, but even the GOP thought he was nuts. Somehow, he managed to flank Pat Buchanan on the right, to no avail.

When he finally got the message that nobody outside of that armed compound in Montana cares about a word he says, he went back to Orange County and ran a half-hearted campaign, figuring he could mail it in.

When he lost, he screamed bloody murder about voter fraud, insinuating--no, make that stating flatly--that Sanchez had won on the strength of a huge bloc of illegal aliens who had somehow managed to register and vote.

Never mind that exit poll data showed Dornan had lost because he lost part of his main constituency, Asian-Americans, who for years had swallowed hard and gone along with his bitter anti-communist routine. Without the Communist bugaboo, Dornan was exposed as the crackpot that he is.

Not that Sanchez is any great prize. Until late 1995, she had gone by an Anglicized hyphen name and had been a lifelong Republican. After repeated efforts to shill herself as the brown face trotted out by Orange County Republicans at party functions, she gave up and switched to the Democrats. Even then, she had to run an independent campaign in the primary against a guy hand-picked by the Demo Party, which then gave her lukewarm support in the general election.

Face it, Dickhead Dornan (his new nickname), if you can't win in that situation, the time has come to move on.

Besides, you have a lucrative talk-radio career ahead of you. Why, militias everywhere will be tuned in to your daily spleen-fests. You're already the poster boy for their website--www.inbredtoothlessgunnut.com.

Remember that old song, "How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?" Well, we won't miss you, but you should go away, anyway.

3. Did anybody take up that national blowhard Rush Limbaugh on the $1-million bet he offered after the 1994 elections?

You may recall the lard butt (I can say that because he's actually fatter than I am) offered an open bet to anyone willing to take it that Bill Clinton would lose in 1996 and that the economy would suffer a serious downturn. Wrong on both accounts, Porkchop Breath.

As a lifelong Democrat, I wasn't thrilled with Clinton's victory. I think he turned his back on a lot of the party's principles, sold himself out to that great "center," and refused to offer even a little bit of his coattails to Congressional candidates who could've used a small boost to get over the top. Still, he wasn't Dole, and that was enough for me.

As for Limbaugh, he's running out of gas (figuratively speaking, anyway).

Hey, maybe Donald Trump can lie about that, too, and say he took the bet. (Trump, if you haven't heard, claims he bet $1 million on Evander Holyfield against Mike Tyson when the odds were 20-1 against Holyfield. None of the casinos or bookies in the country have any evidence of any such bet being placed.)

4. How in the world is Vicki Cox-Golder going to use her humiliating defeat in the Board of Supervisors race and the equally withering attack on her ethics and character involving land deals while on the Amphi School Board as a springboard to a state office?

Does this woman have stones or what? First she outspends her two opponents combined and can only muster about one-third of the vote. Then her political crony gets caught with his joint in the grinder over a disastrously stupid land deal, and all Vicki does is smile and announce that she's running for the state Legislature in 1998. She'll probably have a shot at winning, seeing as how 137-year-old Freddy Hershberger is finally retiring.

Only in Arizona.

5. Along the lines of Grambling's Robinson, why are people calling for the head of Arizona football coach Dick Tomey?

The man has had two losing seasons in 10 years. And this year's 5-6 mark included two one-point losses which easily could have gone the other way.

True, the Cats missed the window of opportunity for the Rose Bowl in 1994, but I think that if he got the team to that point once, he can do it again. All this whining is ridiculous. If he has several losing seasons in a row, or if his program becomes scandal-ridden, then ask him to leave. TW

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