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WE'D LIKE TO KNOW YOUR SOURCE ON THAT

"Dale Earnhardt's death changed many lives this past year. It even changed his own." --ESPN's Rupen Fofaria.


BARNEY RUBBLE WAS HERE

"Someone put some time into this place. It reminded me of the Flintstones." --Marine Sergeant Charles Calfee after searching for Al-Qaida in Afghanistan's caves, some of which were concrete-reinforced and had elaborate irrigation systems.


STRAIGHT TALK EXPRESS...TO JAIL

"If you had these kids on your bus, you'd drink, too." --Calgary, Alberta school bus driver Marvin Franks, after police arrested him for driving his bus while drunk.


SO HIGH HE NEEDS OXYGEN

"My water bill's higher than Robert Downey Jr. on a Saturday night." --Gilbert, Ariz. mayor Steve Berman, during a town council discussion of water issues.


DID THEY FORGET TO TAKE THE TOWEL OFF HER HEAD, TOO?

"He's bald. Of course he wouldn't know the pain of having damaged hair." --Hong Kong resident Chu Ieu, speaking of the judge in her losing lawsuit against a hair salon. Chu asked for a Julia Roberts' hairdo, but claimed the salon made her look like Osama bin Laden.


V-8 ENGINE, 4-WHEEL DRIVE, TINTED WINDOWS. MOUNTED GRENADE LAUNCHERS OPTIONAL.

"Toyota is good for the Jihad." --Unnamed Afghan warlord, on the number of Toyota SUVs flooding the Pakistani city of Peshawar, on the Pakistan-Afghanistan border. U.S. forces gave Afghan warlords $200,000 payments in exchange for their support against the Taliban.


TITTY TORT

"The sole reason I paid $8.99 was for the alleged Anna pictorial. I bought it for a friend of mine, not to say I didn't take a peek at the pictures." --Miami lawyer Reed Stomberg, who filed a class action suit against Penthouse magazine for publishing fake pictures of tennis star Anna Kournikova.


DEAD BANG

"One act of necrophilia does not make him a necrophiliac." --Julie McDonald, lawyer for Sierra Vista resident John Camden Bibby, an autopsy assistant with the Cochise County Medical Examiner's office, who admitted fondling the corpse of a teen-age girl.


BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED

"I have seen many strange things...objects such as nails spat out. The devil told a woman that he would make her spit out a transistor radio and low and behold, she started spitting out a radio transistor." --Father Gabriele Amorth, one of the Catholic Church's leading exorcists

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More by Jim Nintzel

More by Leo W. Banks

  • 2016: What a Bust!

    2016 is nearly over and you'll find plenty of lists of the so-called Top Stories of the Year. We, on the other hand, have spent the year reading the newspapers, browsing the online sites and watching the TV news to collect what can only be described as the Bottom Stories of the Year.
    • Dec 29, 2016
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