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Wiccan Wonderland 

Danehy Contemplates Fans Of Full Moons And Football.


THINGS YOU'VE JUST got to know right now ...

· Tomorrow will be the harvest moon, a full moon and Friday the 13th. This hasn't happened since 1905 and won't happen again for about another 100 years. So if you're a Wiccan farmer, tomorrow's your night to howl. So to speak.

In fact, between 1900 and 2025 there are only seven occasions when the full moon lands on a Friday the 13th of any month. This is the kind of information that has made the Internet such a valuable and worthwhile tool for modern society.

· Speaking of Wiccans, I know this married couple and both are Wiccans. Actually, they refer to themselves as witches. And I'm not really sure if they're married; maybe they just sacrificed a goat together or something.

(Before you start writing those letters about it being a religion, let me answer the question with which just about every one of those letters ends: Yes, I do make fun of the Catholic Church all the time. I believe God has a sense of humor; otherwise, why would he have made the French?)

Anyway, I was wondering how these two married witch-people argue. I mean, all married couples argue, but do their disagreements take on a different tone?

Him: Honey, have you seen my eye of newt?

Her: Yes, dear, I used it on Tuesday. I had this very important incantation to finish. I've been busy at work and the equinox just snuck up on me.

Him: That's not very nice. That was special eye of newt. I was using it to help me write a song for the solstice festival. The Druids are coming and you know how picky they are.

Her: You need eye of newt to write a song? Where'd you get it?

Him: Well, I went down to the Sacred Store, where I'd heard the music years before ... never mind. Just ask next time!

Her: Or what?! You'll put a spell on me?

Him: Maybe I will. Maybe I already put a spell on you to make you say whatever you're going to say next.

Her: Besides you weren't here at the time. You were probably out with that witch, Sheila.

Him: Don't call her a witch! You're a witch!

Her: Yes, I am.

· It was hoped that Arizona, which currently has six Congressmen in the United States House of Representatives, would gain a seat or two in the House after the 2000 census and reapportionment is completed. However, in a shocking turn of events, Arizona has suddenly lost a substantial number of people.

Over the weekend, all of the Dick Tomey bashers in Tucson and the surrounding areas just simply disappeared. It's as though they fell off the face of the earth. I did some investigating and learned that it might just have something to do with the fact that the Arizona Wildcats, who kicked the livin' piss out of USC at the L.A. Coliseum on Saturday, are currently 4-1, tied for first in the Pac-10 with a 2-0 mark, and ranked in the Top 25 in the nation again. This after being picked by the experts to finish eighth in the Pac-10.

Where have you gone, you sorry dogs? All you people who were calling for his hide after last year's admittedly disappointing 6-6 season should be ashamed of yourselves. Tomey works hard, he runs a cleaner-than-most program, and over the years his teams have avoided the good-horrible-great-horrible roller-coaster ride that other teams take. Can you say ASU, anyone?

Who knows, maybe they'll go .500 from here on out and finish at 7-4, which is what I predicted before the season started. Even if they do flatten out a bit from here, they will have proven the critics wrong again. Maybe Tomey's teams are like that character in Mystery Men, the one who could only be invisible when no one was looking. Tomey's teams seem to thrive when no one's expecting them to.

Whatever the case, we're back to the good old days where the offense sucks and the defense rules. I'm starting to love this team.

· OK, let me get this straight. Last Saturday was summer, but Sunday was autumn. Nothing in between. Winter should arrive a week from Tuesday.

· The word out of Russia is that the Number One-rated TV show in Moscow features the news being read by strippers. Real news. Real strippers. Real high ratings.

Just imagine if they did that here. Kris Pickel's numbers would go up, Patty Weiss' would go down, and Guy Atchley ... well, Guy Atchley is a living god, so it doesn't matter what he's wearing.

· Tomorrow night will be the night of the year for high-school football. Undefeated Sunnyside takes on also-unbeaten Palo Verde in the Class 4A, while in 5A, Amphi travels to Salpointe for a game that should determine the 5A-Southern championship.

Naturally, I'm going with Amphi because everybody hates Salpointe.

· They had the Dixie Chicks on VH-1's Rock & Roll Jeopardy over the weekend. The brunette member of the group finished with more money that the two blondes put together. You can draw your own inference here.

By the way, The Chicks' album Fly received the designation of diamond album last week, denoting 10 million in sales. There are only 79 albums in history with that designation, including two each by Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey and Shania Twain. See, you can learn stuff by watching TV.

Sadly, Alanis Morrissette has a diamond album but Aretha Franklin doesn't.

· Don't forget to get your first look at the UA men's basketball team at Midnight Madness tomorrow night. It's a team that center Loren Woods claims could be "the best in the history of college basketball," causing Lute Olson to wince just a bit. Go to a high-school football game, then head over to McKale.

· Finally, Garth Brooks is getting a divorce. Dude, if you look like that, you're supposed to get a divorce while you have a career.

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