I've heard it countless times since 2004: If (insert candidate name here) wins, I'm getting the hell out of here.
I've even said it myself, and considered getting on the first bus to California if Joe Arpaio won re-election to the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office (which it appears that he just did).
When Barack Obama won re-election, many folks promised to move elsewhere rather than face the prospect of living under the torturous, socialist regime that the white-hating, Muslim-in-secret black man will inflict upon us during the coming four years (or more, if his plan to become American Dictator for Life comes to fruition).
With that said, here's a short, handy guide to the places that God-fearing, capitalistic and not-at-all reactionary folks can consider:
• Australia: An 18-year-old girl from Georgia (in the Southern U.S., not the former Soviet state) declared in a tweet that, upon Obama's re-election, she wanted to move to Australia, because "their president is a Christian and actually supports what he says." Sure, she's completely wrong—Australia's prime minister is a female atheist—but she's got the right idea in her heart. After all, any country that produced Crocodile Dundee and Steve Irwin can't be that bad, right?
• Canada: America's hat has all sorts of great things going for it—decent (if cold) weather; loads of ice hockey; poutine; a Tim Hortons on every corner; and a stereotypically friendly populace. You just have to watch out for those pesky gun-control laws, universal health care, taxes and the potential for the Buffalo Bills to move to Toronto.
• China: Oh, I know, they're Godless Commies, just like the people taking over here. But they've got so much more going for them—namely, the growth of glorious, glorious capitalism! Companies there are free to reverse-engineer products from freer Western companies (their knock-off car market is incredible), and there's no better place to find cheap sweatshop labor.
Sure, there are so many more options—but screw it! There's nothing more American than blindly choosing a place to jet off to without research. After all, anything's got to be better than life under a man who is the living embodiment of the goddamn American dream, right?
On The Range, we followed the hell out of the never-ending Barber/McSally race; kept prodding you with updates from the local political victory parties on election night; gave you a look at the films screening at the Loft Film Festival; looked at Wilko's weekend brunch; gave out tickets to NASCAR; informed you that Gabby Saucedo Mercer is hopeful beyond anyone's wildest expectations; chatted about Puerto Rico's potential statehood; got excited about Hotel Congress' Whiskey Weekend; ranted about Donald Trump; gave former state Rep. Daniel Patterson a bit of attention; read Mark Kelly's address to Jared Loughner on behalf of Gabby Giffords; and so much more.
On We Got Cactus, we previewed John Doe's trip to Bisbee; took a look at the show featuring Old Man Markley and Larry and His Flask; watched Donny Osmond urge us to vote; played with Web-browser-based music machines; asked Joe Pagac a few questions; called attention to Billy Sedlmayr's Kickstarter project; rocked out with the Modeens; and revealed Jimmy Boegle's fear of musicals.
"Standard nut-job talking points. America is not the wasteland they try to tell us it is. We are the greatest country that ever existed. Why do they hate America?"
—TucsonWeekly.com user "Old Fart" dismisses the wacky claims of Gabby Saucedo Mercer in "Dispatch From Crazyland: Gabby Mercer Believes She Can Still Win" (The Range, Nov. 9).
If you haven't noticed, we've been working our tails off to update you regarding the vote totals in the Congressional District 2 race between current Congressman Ron Barber and his challenger, Martha McSally. As of this writing, Barber is currently up by more than 300 votes, but that could change at any moment—or, more specifically, whenever Pima County decides to have folks sort through the provisional ballots. We'll remain ever-vigilant out on The Range 'til the bitter end.