Saturday, Sept. 14 (Syfy)
Movie: It may be a summer leftover, but this cheese-saster flick has the best title after Sharknado: In Robocroc—see what I mean?—a minding-its-own-business crocodile accidentally becomes infected with military nanobots, transforming it into a "metal killing machine" (note to self: future band name) bent on chomping bikini babes at a nearby resort, because there are always bikini babes and a nearby resort. Robocroc is all the awful you've come to expect from Syfy and, now that every animal mashup has been explored, a perfect scene-setter for Sharkborg.
Under the Dome, Siberia
Monday, Sept. 16 (CBS, NBC)
Season Finales: One is a heavily-promoted Summer Event watched by millions every week, the other is overlooked Summer Filler forgotten by even its own network—the "huh?" look on your face suggests that you now know which Siberia is. Under the Dome started off strong but went sideways at the midpoint of what was supposed to be its only season—after promising one-and-done, CBS picked the series up for second run next summer, presumably titled Still Under the Dome—but Siberia, a faux Survivor-type reality show loaded with wacko plot twists and a mounting body count, has at least remained consistent, if not great. And, since there's zero chance of a second Siberia season, The Only TV Column That Matters™ is looking forward to even more dead contestants (if only So You Think You Can Dance worked the same way).
Monday, Sept. 16 (Fox)
Series Debut: Thanks to a spell cast during the Revolutionary War, Ichabod Crane (Tom Mison) is transported 250 years to the present—but, surprise, so is the Headless Horseman! Turns out that HH is but one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and Crane must stop him while adjusting to this crazy new world of laws, technology and SuperCuts. Mison is intense and broody, and Sleepy Hollow's production is dazzlingly high-dollar and chilling—if the show doesn't flinch and commits to going full-tilt bizarre, it just might avoid becoming this year's Mob Doctor.
Dads, Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Tuesday, Sept. 17
Series Debuts: Seth MacFarlane's live-action sitcom is already catching heat for a stereotypical depiction of an Asian woman in a schoolgirl outfit, but come on—there's sooo much more to hate about Dads. 1. The setup (cranky fathers move back in with their wisecracking 30-something sons) is straight out of TV Land. 2. So is the grating laugh track, which is completely at odds with the rest of Fox's comedy lineup. 3. It's an unfairly terrible lead-in for the far funnier Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Despite being about cops and starring Andy Samberg (if you're an Andy-hater, prepare to be impressed—or at least not annoyed), the show captures the effortless, single-camera comedy of Tuesday-night compatriots New Girl and The Mindy Project, with more than a little Adult Swim edge. But really, it's all about Terry Crews.
New Girl, The Mindy Project
Tuesday, Sept. 17 (Fox)
Season Premieres: Speaking of Jess and Mindy, Fox's funniest non-animated ladies return for Seasons 3 and 2, respectively, tonight. On New Girl, Jess (Zoey Deschanel) and Nick (Jake Johnson) are not only still a thing, they're also taking a "romantic" trip to Mexico that will end just as you imagine. Later, Mindy (Mindy Kaling) and her ... cute? ... new haircut are already back from Haiti, just in time to meet the practice's new oddly-named OB/GYN, Dr. Paul Leotard (guest star James Franco). Oh, James ...