You Should Watch It
Chupacabra vs. the Alamo
Saturday, March 23 (Syfy)
Movie: Erik Estrada is back on the bike! And killin' blood-thirsty Mexican dog-monsters! In the awesomely-titled Syfy cheapo-thriller Chupabra vs. the Alamo, a hog-ridin' DEA agent (Estrada, who's done 700 movies and TV shows since CHiPs in the '80s, but who cares?) investigates a string of possibly drug-gang-related murders in San Antonio, only to learn that chupacabras have sneaking in via smuggling tunnels and eating the townsfolk—more victims of Obama's failed immigration policies. Naturally, this all leads to a standoff at the Alamo between the hordes of bad-CGI critters and Estrada and his rag-tag team of heavily-armed gang-bangers and cops. Lesson: A 64-year-old Latino with a shotgun gets the job done when the border patrol and the Tea Party couldn't.
Sunday, March 24 (HBO)
Movie: Writer/director David Mamet and HBO are adamant that the over-the-top Phil Spector is "not based on a true story," even though it's all about the murder trail of Phil Spector, legendary record producer, as well as wielder of guns and crazy-ass wigs. So ... yeah. That said, Al Pacino absolutely, well, kills it as defendant Spector, as does Helen Mirren as defense attorney Linda Kenney Baden. Phil Spector himself refused to be involved with Phil Spector (which essentially concludes that the creaky old man would have been physically incapable of shooting actress Lana Clarkson in 2003), but somehow all of his music made it into the soundtrack—there's your mystery to solve.
Wednesday, March 27 (Reelz)
Season Premiere: In the second season of this Canadian(!) WWII soap you didn't know existed on a cable channel you're contently unaware of, the women of Victory Munitions continue to crank out weapons for the war effort while dealing with love drama, workplace drama, family drama, societal drama, headscarf drama—all the dramas, really. Thing is, Bomb Girls is smarter and more engaging than a kitchen-sink period piece (The music! The clothes! The cartoon male figures!) should be; once you get past the occasionally indecipherable '40s-speak ("Cut a rug" ...what?), there are performances here that would be hailed on a real channel (but not a Reelz channel).
You Should DVR It
Monday, March 25 (NBC)
Spring Premiere: This was a hit four months ago—anybody remember Revolution? That post-apocalyptic drama set in a future with no electricity, with a wannabe Katniss (Tracy Spiradakos) and a good-lookin' rogue (Billy Burke) leading the sword-swingin' battle against militant bastard people (including Breaking Bad's Giancarlo Esposito) who want to enslave the people and find a way to turn the lights back on? The series kicked off with a bang and a rush, but slowed down considerably by its late-November winter finale (sadly, a dead battery analogy won't work here). Exec producers Eric Kripke (Supernatural) and J.J. Abrams (everything else) promise a faster, explode-ier second half, and tonight's return mostly delivers. But don't expect any answers about how everyone maintains such fantastic hair just yet—gotta save something for Season 2.
You Should Read A Book
Monday, March 25 (NBC)
Season Premiere: The karaoke competition that distinguished itself with swiveling chairs and a judging (sorry, "coaching") panel made up partially of mutants is back for Season 4, and still no one can find or even name the winners of the first three seasons—The Voice is a massive, international success! Just ask NBC! This time around, new human life forms (Shakira and Usher) replace the mutant coach-judges, but the game remains the same: destroy as many once-beloved pop songs as possible over a mere four primetime hours a week. But hey, if 'Merica wanted good singing, they'd have watched Smash.
When a corporate diva-bitch (Lauren Holly) becomes embroiled in a Detroit sex-trafficking ring posing as a modeling agency, only her tyrannized assistant (Kaylee DeFer) can rescue her. Or just find a new, nicer boss. Yeah, go with that. (Asylum)
The Borgias: Season 2
The Sexy Pope (Jeremy Irons) returns for another season of Renaissance-era power struggles, intrigue, violence and decadence that's actually more historically accurate than most of what's on the History Channel currently. (Paramount)
Dose of Reality
When a strange woman (Fairuza Balk) is found beaten up in the cleanest bar bathroom ever captured on film, it's up to the bartender and the owner to figure which of them did it, as well as why the owner's around at closing time. (Monarch)
The grandparents (Billy Crystal, Bette Midler) agree to babysit the grandkids while their parents (Marisa Tomei, Tom Everett Scott) go to work; poop jokes, Valuable Lessons and the ultimate test of my Marisa Tomei movie loyalty ensue. (Fox)
Veep: Season 1
Julia Louis-Dreyfus stars as the hapless vice president in the hysterical West Wing/Arrested Development/Curb Your Enthusiasm mashup that almost makes you feel badly for Joe Biden. Almost—let's not get carried away here. (HBO)
More New DVD Releases (March 26)
Bangkok Revenge, Bled White, The Collection, The Comedy, Continuum: Season 1, Easy Money, Fetish, GLOW, Killing Them Softly, Lincoln, Men at Work: Season 1, Mystery Science Theater 3000 XXVI, Pawn Shop, Penthouse Playboys, Population 2, A Royal Affair, Tokyo Noir, Union Square